What do you call a tasty Mexican demon dog served in a restaurant?

A chalupacabra.

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

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The Fish and The Fly (Long)

Out in the woods one day there’s a Fish watching a fly. Fish is thinking to himself man if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna jump up out of that water and get me a tasty dinner.

Now there’s a bear watching the fish watching the fly. Bear says man if that fly drops six inches I’m gonna get me...

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

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A joke about cake for my cake day

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks,


“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises...

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while sh...

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Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

What's the difference between Trump and a cheeto?

One is fragile, orange and can't run a country. The other one is a tasty snack.

my gf always worries that I will cheat on her if I am on a night out

I reassure her "why would I have a kebab when I have the best steak ever at home"

But when you are drunk those greasy kebabs sure are tasty

3 vampires met for dinner...

..they wanted to figure out, who manages to drink more blood in a certain time, so they agreed to meet again in an hour. They transformed into bats and flew away fast, in different directions.As the hour expired everyone arrived and the competition started.

The first vapmire opened his mouth ...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

My wife just had a baby

She said it was surprisingly tasty

Tasty Tattoo

My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other.

She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, “This place is a cookout...”

First there’s a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.

I can't understand people who don't like dogs

I've tried them in China and they're pretty tasty.

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Tasty food....

Two homeless guys are walking down the street in the new town they hitchhiked to going door to door begging for food. They come to the last house on the last street in a little neighborhood. A beautiful blonde woman answers the door wearing nothing but a towel. The first man pleas with the woman for...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

What happened to the tasty noun?

Verbatim.

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

It hurts me to say this but

Cacti are not tasty

The Hint

Young Lady is calling her boyfriend:

\- Hey, Jack, come to my place. Let's drink some tea...

\- Well, I feel quite alright at home.

\- C'mon, come to my place I've got some tasty jam...

\- Well, you know that I don't like sweets

\- Come to my place - let's f\*ck! <...

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

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The Moral Of The Story (shortened version)

2 fishermen were in the forest fishing in a river.
They had a line in the water in one of their favourite secret fishing spots.
Now a fish came along and saw the line... And the fishermen saw the fish hoping that it would take the line because if it did the fly would drop 6 inches and they wo...

A man is eating at a restaurant.

A man is eating at a quiet restaurant. In his moment of joy from incredibly tasty food he rips out a huge fart. Really embarrassed, he starts dragging a chair next to him back and forth to simulate a fart noise.

A gentleman eating at the neighboring table says to him:

"It makes a total...

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

Yeah, I’m a part of PETA

People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

Vets waiting room

Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad.

2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, '' Why are you here today '' Old dog replies, ''I am going to be put to sleep, i'm in very bad health, and my time has come''

Young dog...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

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A Russian, a Pole and a German are sitting in a prison cell.

The Russian comes up to the German holding a candy bar and asks “You want this?”. The German is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me for this” and says no.


The Russian then comes up to the Pole and again asks “You want this?”. The Polish guy is thinking “He’ll probably want to fuck me...

I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

Blacksmithing & sausage

One day at work, a coworker tells our team about their hobby - blacksmithing. Their usual approach is to load up a crucible with coals, get a good fire going, then pound out ingots for a few hours. When they're all done, they throw a few sausages into the crucible because - and this is the reasoning...

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A bear, a frog and a genie.

A bear and a frog found a genie in the middle of the forest. As they both found it the genie grant them 3 wishes.

"I wish for a really tasty fly to come by,"
Said the frog.

The bear looked at him amused at his dumb wish and went on to ask,
"I wish female bears preferres me over ...

Why yes I’m also a member of PETA and an animal rights person

Yup I’m a Preferred Eater of Tasty Animals and all animals have a right to be served on my plate.

A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who’s got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.

Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat’s throat.

Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.

Communist sme...

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

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Sharks

A baby shark swims up to a group of sailors fallen in the water. He observes mama shark swim circles around the sailor for several minutes before proceeding to chomp down.

Baby shark asks mama shark “why do we swim circles around humans before eating them?”

Mama shark responds, “becau...

"Are you going to eat those chocolates with grandma?" asked my wife.

I said, "No, I can't imagine she's very tasty."

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One man he is rapper

He go to rap battle

He say to he enemy: i will make sick rap now

So what he do: he pull out chicken and salad and he put all in burrito bread and he roll and he say: here this wrap it is very tasty: eat it!!

He enemy: oh yes, this taste really good, it is a sick wrap!

so ...

A rabbit escapes a laboratory

Upon running away he stumbles across a group of rabbits in a field. The leader welcomes him and says 'the outside world isn't like the lab, you can do what you want here, try some of the grass'. The grass tasted like nothing the rabbit had tasted before, it was so refreshing and tasty. He then went ...

The old dog, the leopard and the monkey

An old dog got lost in the savanna... Noticing easy prey, a leopard prepared for an ambush behind a tree. However, the dog could also smell the leopard and being quite crafty he took a quick survey of the area and found a bone. With the bone in his mouth he soliloquized "Oh my goodness, this is so t...

Penguin Needs Car Repairs

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and th...

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walked in to a bar...

They each ordered a pint of beer. As the bartender served them up, a fly landed in each glass.

The Englishman looked down upon his glass and said "Pardon me, bartender, but there appears to be a fly in my beer. Perhaps might I have another?"

The Scot looks at the fly, flicks it off t...

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The new pope visits a small church.

Upon hearing the news that the new pope would be visiting his small parish Father O'Leary decided to something special for the dinner. The morning of Pope Francis' arrival he went down to the docks and found a young member of his congregation and said, "I would like to help honor the new pope by con...

A woman takes her dog anywhere and everywhere...

On one trip she goes to Africa with her dog for a week long safari. One morning the dog goes outside and sees a lion running straight for the camp. The dog looks around and finds a pile of bones. Once the lion is within earshot the dog yells, "That was one tasty lion!" And continues to gnaw one a bo...

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Damn Fish

The mom goes to the store asks the deli guy about specials. He says, there's a sale on Damn fish. She says what? Damn fish, the deli guy says, that's the name of it. The mom buys a pound.

She gets home and is frying the fish. The dad comes home. That smells great, he says. What is it?
...

So there's this blonde...

and she's sick and tired of being stereotyped as the dumb blonde, so she decides to dye her hair and move to another city. After she died her hair brown, she packs up her things and leaves for the new city. Driving down a barren country road on the way there, she starts to get really hungry. With no...

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The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.

"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."

Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.

"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said wit...

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A man passes by a village

He is thirsty, sees a little kid and asks him to bring something to drink.

The kid brings a whole pot of brew (national Russian drink).

"Thanks, so tasty. Do you have enough of it at home?"

Kid: "A rat drowned in the barrel yesterday, Mom dived to get it out of there. And the ...

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(Long) If the fly drops six inches (Best if you can rattle it off fast)

There's a fly hovering over a lake. In the lake looking up at the fly is a fish, and the fish is hungry. It's looking at the fly thinking "if that fly were to just drop six inches, i could jump up and grab it, and have a tasty meal".

There's a bear on the shore. It's looking at the fish, who...

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A rabbit and a bear dig up an old lamp

A rabbit and a bear are digging for some tasty roots when they come across an old lamp. The bear immediately claims it and yanks it out of the rabbits grasp. Wiping off the dirt from the lamp with them in the process.
Immediately a genie bursts from the lamp shouting: *"Thank you for freeing me ...

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A man walks into a restaurant for the first time...

And asks the waiter about their staple dish, "The Bull's Balls".
"Oh yes" Says the waiter. "Every day we send out our finest men to fight a bull to the death, and we cut out the dead bull's testicles, cook it, season it, and put it in our best sauce. It's really quite tasty."
Why not, the man ...

Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.

To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the...

Fries

Bobby was a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn`t speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, Bobby and the French guy ha...

Cool Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7....

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery (edited for cultural sensitivities)...

An arab man and a jewish man both decide to head into a bakery together, holding hands no less.

After a brief disagreement on who would hold the shop's door open for the other, they proceeded to pass through the doorway facing each other, so as to enter at the same time.

The two frie...

I put my tongue in coco

I found it peasant and tasty. Then I put my tongue in Ice-t...and he punched me. His wife still calls though.

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

I tried to find out why my cat kept licking itself...

turns out its actually quite tasty.

There was a very strict order of months who lived by a rules that permitted speaking only once on one day a year, one monk per year.

When the day came around, the monks whose turn it was stood up and said, "I don't like the mash potatoes here, they're too lumpy." And he sat down. A year later, another monk stood up and said, " I rather like the mash potatoes here, they're very tasty." Another year went by it was a third month tur...

I heard that Hillary Clinton is actually made of tofu.

She's white, bland, uninspiring and not tasty unless dipped in melty cheese.

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The danger of eating Chili

I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in
hindsight may not have been very wise.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which ...

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A Panda walks into a bar

where a man and a woman had already been sharing drinks. They whip their heads around and exclaim, "A panda! Bartender, there's a panda in here!" Not wanting to be rude, the bartender invites the panda to have a seat at the bar. The panda, to the disbelief of those watching, orders a beer and some w...

I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the Nacho Cheese joke.

"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"



"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-



"...Well...you aren't wrong!"



Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

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A verse of unit puns

The Units Verse
by Kevin Ahern

Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup
Will make a restaurant run

In Beijing, China order it
In units of Won ton


Religious leaders measure clout
From Nome to Amsterdam

By how much clout they have with God
The units - billi-gr...

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