Phd Jokes - 59 Hilarious Phd Jokes

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

I'm starting a charity for PhD students so they can finally afford to live on their own without the need for roommates...

It's called "Doctors without Boarders."

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

How to get a PhD in Music

In some colleges of music, part of the doctoral requirement is to compose an original full length symphony. Because modern music sounds so weird, a good ploy is to take a well-known classical symphony, write it backwards and submit it as an original work. One student took the daring step of taking h...

What is the most common question that a person holding a PhD in Philosophy asks other people?

"Do you want fries with that?"

What does PhD stand for?

Fancy Degree.

It's so fancy it's spelled with a Ph.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

My socially anxious friend got a PhD in palindromes.

He now goes by the title 'Dr Awkward'.

What do you call somebody with the PHD in the field of drink carbonation?

A Fizzician.

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

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I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

I have a PhD

Public Highschool Diploma

I have finally completed my PhD in Literary Criticism...

And I beg you not to speak of the irony.

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay....

Luckily I'm a statistician.

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

Who called it phd

and not 3rd degree torture?

What's the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What do call a fish with a Phd?

A brain sturgeon.

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

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I have a phd

Pruty huge dick

A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the PhD student.

“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a go...

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

So my crush wants a guy with a phd

And apparently that doesn't mean pretty huge debt

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Why are black people unable to get a PhD

Because they can't get past their masters.

I’m like Dr. Strange without the PHD and magic cape.

Strange...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.

So, I have this friend who studied to become an egyptologist

The only way he can make a living is by becoming a PhD and teach others to become egyptologists.

As far as I'm concerned, it is a pyramid scheme.

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What do you call a black man with a PHD ?

A doctor, you fucking racist!

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

He's really good, knows his stuff forwards and backwards.

What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in?

Theoretical fizz-ics.

An awkward friend of mine just finished his PhD in palindrome theory..

Now he's Dr. Awkward.

A Harvard grad with a PhD and a redneck with a 5th grade education are in a contest

This was one of my dad's favorites, and I've never seen it here. This is basically how he told it:

A Harvard grad with a PhD (we'll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we'll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn't matter), their ...

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD

Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

My PhD student claims to have made a breakthrough in hyperbolic mathematics

Turns out he was just exaggerating

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal d...

Why dentist don't like PHD holders ?

cause people call them doctors.

I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.

Dr. Prepper, at your service.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind....

How do you make a venetian blind?

Poke his eyes out

Credits go to my 90 year old grandfather, currently completing his PhD

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

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A man walks into a brothel with $100

He comes out with $200 and shows his friends.
"How did you make money in a brothel?" his friends ask.
"It turns out if you can give one of the pros working there an orgasm they'll pay you" he brags.

Over the next few weeks his friends try their hands at it over and over again, but they ...

After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..

As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.

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A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

My chemistry professor e-mailed this joke to me.

***A joke from my chemistry professor:***

There is a far-off place that consists of a triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but ...

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

Educated Sons

1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief

Neighbour: Why can’t you throw the
4th son out of your house?

Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

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Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw)

He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly rega...

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

Why there are led lights now!

Two physics PhD guys and mathematician PhD after a conference sit in a hotel lobby and having drinks. Suddenly the light bulb burns out over their head and maintenance guy comes and changes the light bulb. While changing it, he hands the burnt out light bulb over to the mathematician who puts it car...

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