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Committed Jokes

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

Where do coins get committed after a crime?

The pennytentiary

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

A man was taken into custody and questioned about a robbery committed by a man wearing a skirt. The man was freed without charges.

He never made an admission of kilt.

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My therapist committed suicide today.

Hi suicide note read.
"Do as I say, not as I do."

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

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My friend committed suicide...

Swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet...

...and then he choked on a tampon

I have a joke about commitment

Steve was deeply committed to playing golf. Ever day, seven days a week, fifty two weeks a year. After several years went by, Steve was still playing golf. As he was about to putt the ball in the hole. He notice a funeral procession going by. He then took off his hat and gave a moment of silence for...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run off the mill suicide.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

The confession

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for h...

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...

I'm not really a fully committed capitalist...

...I'm what they call buy-curious.

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My best friend committed suicide by overdosing on Viagra...

I'm not sure he chose the best method though, it seems like a hard way to go.

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

Did you hear about the physics student who committed suicide by jumping of a building?

A shame, really. He had so much potential.

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

My wife says I'm not committed enough.

But I flew 9,256 miles just to be away from her.

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

Did you hear about the coffee bean that committed murder?

It was sentenced to death by decaffeination.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ?

He had no guts ....

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Want to know the real reason Hitler committed suicide?

He got the gas bill.

Did you hear the one about the mathematician who committed Sudoku?

He did a number on himself.

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