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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

Boss hired a secretary

10 days later the Boss *committed suicide* by jumping from his 27th floor office...

Police : Who was there at that time in the room ?


Secretary : I was there.


Police :What happened ? Why did he commit suicide ?


Secretary :He was a good man. One day he bought ...

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I committed animal violence this weekend

And let me tell you, I kick ass.

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court -

- it would have been a hung jury.

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?

He’s going to be XcQted.

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

I was trying to impress this girl...

She said: I like guys who are committed...


I said: I wanna commit suicide

Did you hear about the dyslexic that committed suicide?

He jumped behind a sub.

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I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

Did you hear about the physics student who committed suicide by jumping of a building?

A shame, really. He had so much potential.

A Mexican Train Conductor Committed a Murder

We don’t know his loco motive

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide

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Two guys chatting at the bar....

One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular breasts and I accidentally asked for two plane-titties" His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my w...

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine.

He was soda pressed.

I'm not really a fully committed capitalist...

...I'm what they call buy-curious.

Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ?

He had no guts ....

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

Henry Winkler committed investment fraud

It was a Fonzie scheme

I love when people are super committed to carrying out a joke...

For instance, my parents told me I was a disappointment and kicked me out 4 years ago on April 1st. They haven’t spoken to me since.

The keyboard player in our band committed suicide...

...after his Hammond c70, Moog 361 and Casio with a built in valve and leslie keyboards all broke down at once.


The coroner said he died of multiple organ failure

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