I just spent half a day creating a belt made entirely out of watches

A total waist of time

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs

Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms

God: Ye, you're right

Angel: But give them toes

God: Why?

Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious

God : LMAO, nice idea

When God was creating man he said to assistant

Put little toe on his feet too.
Assistant: why?
God: for furniture.
Assistant: furniture?
God: just put it on you will see it would be pretty funny.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

I got rich by creating an anonymous imageboard website.

I made a 4chan.

Netflix is creating a movie about Reddit starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It will be called *Total Repost*.

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What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

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I'm thinking of creating a Japanese-Spanish fusion cat cafe.

I'd call it Arigato.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]


^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.



(Edit: Woo original content!)

Facebook is creating a dating site

They should call it DataFarmersOnly

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

Creating a new password

Enter password

'Snowflake'

Re-enter password

'Snowflake'

Your passwords are not alike

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I've been making extra money on the side by creating erotic spreadsheets...

I don't feel great about it, but what can I say?

sExcels

God was creating all the countries and it was the United Kingdom’s turn.

He turned to his angels and said, “ They shall live on a miserable damp island, they’ll barely get along with each other and be constantly on each other’s throats if not dealing with other countries, have bland food, the worst dental hygiene and have this insufferable fantasy about their country bei...

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

Trump is so good at creating jobs

He’s even creating daycare jobs down at the border

I creating a new extreme outdoor/camping company

It's going to be Intense.

This guy visited my house with the intention of creating his own large scholarly book.

When he arrived I said, 'Make yourself a tome'.

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

God was creating the countries when it became Brazil’s turn

God: This land will be a land filled with natural resources, the women will be beautiful, there will be no hurricanes or tornados, they will also have a lot of forests.

The angels were thinking this was a little too much and asked God, “Isn’t this a little too good?”

God calmly answer...

India is credited with creating the concept of 0.

Thanks for nothing, India.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

After God had finished creating 24 hours of alternating light and darkness...

One of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

My friend blamed himself for creating a fight club

I told him "Don't beat yourself up"

Creating a bad password...

It's as easy as 123.

I'm creating a new dating app for chefs!

It's called Tender! Swipe right to keep cooking or swipe left to leave raw

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

God is creating the world

The Archangel Michael flies up to him just as god is creating a piece of land. "So what are you going to call this place, sir?" asks Michael. "I am going to call it Israel. I'll make it the most beautiful land in the world, an oasis in the desert, with rich land, beautiful women and magnificent beac...

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

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God was just about finished creating Adam and Eve...

...and told them "Okay guys, I've got two attributes left to give you--one for each of you. I'm going to let you choose which you each want. The first is, you get to pee standing up."

Adam jumps on that one right away. God says, "are you sure? You haven't heard the second one yet!" to wh...

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

A few local barflies laughed into their glasses, hunched over like a waning reed in the wind, rosy cheeked and bleary eyed.

The horse walked up the bar and awkwardly sat down on a stool which creaked loudly under their weight.

"I'll tell you why" the horse said in a perfect English acc...

Oregon have legalised marijuana and are creating a new strand

It's called Oregon-o... ^^^I'm^^^Sorry.

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

While creating husbands, God promised....

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world...............then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Did you hear about the blacksmith that was arrested for creating iron calligraphy?

He was charged with forging signatures.

I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions...

The time machine alone set me back 15 years.

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God has nearly finished creating men and women...

...and he proclaims that he has one gift to offer to each sex, and that each can choose which one it wants. "First," he says, "I offer the ability to urinate standing up." "OH! OH! That's ALL us!" the men shout, jumping up and down in their excitement. "Right, then," says God, turning to the women, ...

An angel walks in to God's office while He's creating the world...

and sees God drawing on his notepad a roundish thing with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The angel says "Hi God, what are you doing?"
"I'm working on the human being," says God,
"But that's not due until the sixth day, today's only the third!"
"I know, I'm just planning a head!"

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It's all in creating a need

A young man in need of a job, appies at a tooth brush company. The sales manager takes a look at him and doesn't think he is up to the job.
Then he ask the young man how he plans on selling his product and he replys "it's all in creating a need". The manager likes his idea so he give him a box...

Help creating a biology joke to end my exam .

So, I'm sitting here, needing to write one more essay question for the exam I am giving shortly and have decided that I don't want it to be a serious question. It's only worth a couple of points and I don't mind giving students a couple of freebies. Exam is covering Mitosis/Meiosis/Mendelian genetic...

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A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

The One Ultimate Secret to Creating Clear Headlines that will make other joke-tellers hate you.

Corduroy Pillow Case.

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A New York cop walks by a playing ground and sees a kid bulding something from sand in the sand pit

So he walks up to the kid and asks "What are you creating there little one?". The kid absorbed in his work promptly says "I'm making a cop sir!". Police officer, with his heart filled with pride asks further "Wow, very nice to see the youth appreciating cops, but how are you building him?". Kid with...

The creation

While god was creating the world, the fire fly was asking him every five minutes:
\-Where will i put the lamp?

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Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...

Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?

Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...

As he stumbles into the bed...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

An odd dentist appointment

A woman is at a dentist appointment and is looking scared. The dentist, trying to alleviate some of the tension, asks if she knows how latex gloves are made. She replies, “No,” and he tells her men dip their hands in a vat of latex and wait for it to dry, effectively creating a latex glove. The woma...

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

Angel Gabriel approached God

“What are you doing there?” he asked.

“Well” said God, “You know this planet I’ve been creating?”

“Yeah, what of it?”

“I’ve discovered that I can cause it to rotate in space, and given the position of that star I made earlier; Sol, it allows, in the most part, for a 24hr period ...

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A priest enters a fish market.

When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name ...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

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Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.

Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...

Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

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Three women are working construction. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

The three of them are sitting down to have lunch, and the redhead opens her lunch to find she has the same tuna sandwich she always gets. She exclaims “I swear, if I have to eat a tuna sandwich for lunch again, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself.”

The brunette opens her lunc...

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Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

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AND GOD CREATED MAN

2 weeks after creating Eve,God returns for a visit. "Hows it going Eve?"
"Great, except for this third boob. It throws off my balance when I walk. I think 2 would be better."
"Very well." God holds out his hand before Eve and her middle boob falls into it. God flings it into the bushes.
2 w...

Karl Marx dies and stands trial before St. Peter.

St. Peter: "The ideas you preach have brought misery to billions. I send you to the deepest pits of Hell!"

After a few months Satan calls God:

Satan: "God, please remove Marx from my realm as soon as possible."

God: "Why would I do that? He is a sinner, his fate is to burn in H...

Once upon a time was a magical land called Mad'ha

Said magical land, was in fact, not magical at all, and was a part of the African continent. There lived many primitive tribes who, despite their primitive primitiveness, had many advances in different subjects such as agriculture and architecture.

For centuries, this land experienced what we...

A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.

 

He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect jok...

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final exam. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every thing you’ve learned in this course to prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

Students diligently put their pencils and pens to work creating...

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same g...

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

A priest had been very loyal and humble his entire life and began earnestly speaking out loud to God.

He said, "Lord, I've been good and have followed your word, and I expect nothing in return, but if you feel gracious enough, I have a request."
A blinding shiny light appeared before the priest and before him stood God. "What is it I can do for you my child?" He asked terrifyingly.
"God, I've ...

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

A young kid from the inner city only ever dreamed of being a dancer

Lacey worked really hard and started to gain some attention until a tragic accident destroyed her left knee. She lost her job at the dance company and thus her insurance, leaving her with a shattered knee and broken dreams.

Then she saw a commercial for these brand new knee replacements, Mah...

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Adam was sitting under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden.

He was looking very content, smoking a cigarette. God saw this and appeared before Adam. God asks Adam "So, how do you like Eve?" Adam replies "Eve is just great, thank you so much for creating her." God then asks "Do you like the vagina? Any complaints, I spent a lot of time trying to get it r...

A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a...

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God's rules for Adam

When God finished creating the world he approached Adam to give him the rules for the newly minted world. "If you can follow 2 simple rules, all of this world will be yours to use as you see fit. Do you see that apple tree over there?" "Yes." Adam replied. "Don't eat them." "Simple enough." "Second,...

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with interval...

I was arrested for blocking a bunch of children on a sidewalk

"You're creating a major disturbance." The police officer says.

To which I responded "no, I'm only creating a minor disturbance."

A 30 centimeter tall doctor

Goes to the captain of the ship he is in charge of. With genuine sadness in his eyes he asks:

- Captain why do I have to be so short? I can't handle it anymore, everyone keeps making fun of me.

The captain, understanding his problem, replies.

- Listen closely. This ship is spec...

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jo...

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Three men are travelling through a desert...

... They come upon a tent, and inside is a group of 72 beautiful virgin women that are scantily clothed. The men decide to get friendly with the girls, and not too long afterwards a man adorned in golden jewelry and exotic silks steps into the tent with body guards flanking him. "What are you doing ...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

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