Disturbed Jokes - 48 Hilarious Disturbed Jokes

The boss was busy and did not want to be disturbed.

He told his secretary to tell visitors he didn't want to be disturbed. If they persisted with some story about how important it was, she should tell them "That's what they all say."

Later that day, the boss' wife stopped by to visit her husband. The secretary told her that he didn't...

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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The redneck farmer was disturbed ,,,

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farme...

Where does Disturbed always play when visiting Mexico?

Oaxaxaxaca

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

disturbed joke

doctor: say ahh

me: ow-a-a-a-a

doctor: it appears you are down with the sickness

Our infant son is quite disturbed

He keeps crying "OH WAH AH AH AH"

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

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"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm"?

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

My friend almost died coming back from a Disturbed concert

He came down with the sickness

People who say they don't care if they get COVID are clearly disturbed...

Because they're down with the sickness.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

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I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

I did an IQ test and when i got the results the doctor in an extremly disturbed face said :

I'm sorry sir your results came back as negative

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

Royal Union

In two kingdoms, one had a prince and the other had a princess, they decided to have the prince and the princess and forge a single kingdom.

After the ceremony and the reception, the new couple retired to the princess’ quarters. Her father wanted to know if the new couple were compatible, so...

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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

This guy is walking by a graveyard

He hears a guy moaning…

Why did you die?
Why did you die?

Why did you Die?????

The guy was disturbed and ran over?

I have to ask are you mourning a spouse ?

How about a child?

The man responded : no nothing like that.

Why did you die??? <...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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A traveling salesman finds himself in an elevator

While he's all alone, he rips a huge stinking fart. He quickly opens his briefcase and takes out a can of air-freshener and give it a few squirts.

A few moments later another man enters the elevator, visibly disturbed by the strong smell.

"Smells nice doesn't it? It's a special blend o...

Fear

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large BOOM. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowd...

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.

Howdy ne...

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

Bad Behaviour

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it, and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...

And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "We...

An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum

‘Why are you laughing?’ Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep

“I just told myself a joke” replies the patient, before falling back asleep.

A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.

‘Why are you laughing now?’ Asks the neigh...

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he ma...

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

There was a contest in high jumps in pool

(small explaantion before joke start - in my contry Bosnian man are usually laughing stock )

There was a contest in high jumps in pool!

Winner will be the one who disturbs less water in pool and fewer drops of water get out of the pool.

Three man applied - man from USA, man from...

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

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Freudian Slip

Tim needs to get to Cincinnati. He decides to take a train. When he walks up to the ticket counter the woman behind the counter had huge breasts. He tells her " I would like Cicket to TITSanati, um I mean a Ticket to Cincinnati." The woman blushes and laughs it off. Tim gets his ticket and boards t...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

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His First Time

“Now listen very carefully,” said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. “Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories.”

“Why’s that?” asked the architect.

“That’s where I had sex for the first time. And don’t touch that ...

Magic Trick

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, ov...

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