UPJOKE
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Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, and Gilbert Gottfried walk into a bar

There's no punchline, I'm just really sad now.

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

[nsfw] Why did Norm MacDonald never have a farm?

Because he never got old.

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

So Norm Macdonald died

As he would have wanted, there is no punchline.

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?

So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your ori...

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

Still haven't gotten over Norm's passing, need something to take my mind off it.

Meet me under the Queensborough Bridge

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

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I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

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A recent study has shown that men are more likely to procrastinate than women

except when it comes to orgasming


-credit Norm Macdonald SNL 1997

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.

8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Chess players say checkers players are dumb. But I like checkers...

Plus the red ones taste good.


Credit: Norm MacDonald (RIP)

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

RIP Bob Saget

He had a face like a flower



(Also, RIP Norm)

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Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.

The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.

The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.

“Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”

I don't know why it's said they lose the battle with cancer when someone dies from it

I mean, at the moment of death, both you AND cancer ceases to live, thats a draw.

Rip Norm.

I signed up for my company’s 401k

but I don’t think I can run that far.

-Norm Macdonald

What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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I heard Bill Clinton got really drunk one day and had sex with Hillary

- Norm Macdonald

Ding ding ding

So this woman tired of the norm puts an ad in the newspaper for a husband. It says, "He must never beat on me, he must never follow me when I go out with friends and he must be amazing in bed".

The next day her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man in a wheel chair with no arms and...

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

A guy goes into a bar with a dog, the bartender says what are you doing here? The guy says, "I've got a talking dog here"

to which the bartender says "I'll tell you what, I'll bet you $10,000 that dog can't talk. But if he can't talk I'm going to throw the two of you through that plate glass window."

The man says "aright" and he sits the dog on the bar and says "Fido, what's on top of a house?" The dog says "r...

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

Memory joke from Norm MacDonald's new memoir

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.

Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."...

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
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A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk s...

A joke my grandpa told me, hope you like it!

Today is Billy’s 8th birthday. To celebrate, he and his dad went to McDonalds for dinner. When they arrived, they waited in line behind a large, fat man.
Billy, not being knowledgeable about social norms, says to his dad, “Look daddy! That man’s sooooo fat! Look at him!”
Billy’s dad tells him ...

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"

"My name is Pat...

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