Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

Watched a pretty good Daft Punk documentary last night.

I think I'll watch it one more time.

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

The Avengers must love Daft Punk

They were up all night to get Loki

Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors?

They're up all night to get Lockheed.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme"

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

Two Englishmen crash in the desert...

They begin to trek through the sands trying to find help. After a day and night of walking the two men are dying from thirst and so incredibly hungry when they spot 3 camels crest the nearest dune and head towards them.

One man turns to the other and says, "Thank goodness, we're saved!" and b...

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A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"

Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"

The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.

Doctor bursts in laugh...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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Mr.Dickson

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.
One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answ...

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A man goes to the pub for a drink

A man goes to the pub for a pint with and it turns into one too many - a few hours in, he's absolutely hammered but wants to go home, so he stumbles off his chair and onto the ground.
Crawling all the way across the floor, he finally makes it past the entrance doors - and his home is only a bloc...

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey?

Assless chaps.

Source:

http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png

A man approached me today and said "I am harder than you, I am better than you, I am faster than you, I am stronger than you."

What a Daft Punk

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English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

A blonde was driving along in the countryside

just enjoying the views and the rolling hills, when suddenly she happened upon another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of the field, pulling the oars like her life depended.

Our hero slammed the brakes and exited her car, storming towards the boat and the still-rowing fair-haired woman...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

car trouble

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. I think it has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s plain daft.”

Wife: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Don’t be silly, You don’t even know what a carburettor is. how would you...

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

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