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Daft Jokes

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

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A drunk man with a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom

Where his wife is in bed. He says "this is the pig I have sex with when I'm not with you"
His wife hardly looks up and says "you daft twat, that's a sheep"
"I know," says the man, "I was talking to the sheep..."

I am one-half of Daft Punk.

I am daft...

I can't stop listening to Daft Punk.

Just One More Time.

Daft Punk calls it quits

Maybe if we get lucky, they will get together one more time.

The Avengers must love Daft Punk

They were up all night to get Loki

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme"

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft cunt!"

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Paddy and Mick.

Paddy: "Look at that flock of cows!"

Mick: "Herd of cows you daft bastard!"

Paddy: "Course I've heard of cows,

there's a fucking flock of them over there.

Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors?

They're up all night to get Lockheed.

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Two Irishmen are sitting having a pint

when a Turf truck drives by. The first Irishmen says "When I win der lottery dats what I'm gonna do".
The second Irishmen says "Whats that, drive a truck"?
"No ya daft bastard, send my lawn away to be mowed"!

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

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Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

'Hardy's, Bitter, Fosters, Strongbow'

Daft Punk ordering a round at the bar

Two Englishmen crash in the desert...

They begin to trek through the sands trying to find help. After a day and night of walking the two men are dying from thirst and so incredibly hungry when they spot 3 camels crest the nearest dune and head towards them.

One man turns to the other and says, "Thank goodness, we're saved!" and b...

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

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Corona Virus

Apparently the first member of this group has sadly died because of the coronavirus.

In their house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!”

The whole lot coll...

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Any body got a good go to story when on a date to make them laugh … here s mine .. true story buckle up

So I went on holiday to Benidorm with my mate Paul

Now we’re on the beach , red hot day and I’m laid there getting nicely frazzled with a cold beer in one hand and an iPhone in the other hand ,watching the sun give it its best

Now ,all of a sudden my mate Paul gets up and says
<...

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This guy had a trained parrot that swore a lot.

And he also had a lady friend coming over. So he warned the parrot not to cuss at her. In fact, he tied a ribbon to each of the parrot's legs and instructed him to pay the woman a compliment if she tugs on one of them.

So the lady comes over and sees the parrot. "What will happen if I tug on...

What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey?

Assless chaps.

Source:

http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"

Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"

The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.

Doctor bursts in laugh...

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3 Bears

Three bears where traveling on an airplane that was going to crash. Mummy beat, daddy bear, and baby bear. The plane only has two parachutes onboard so the family has to make a decision.
Mummy bear says she has to have a parachute because she can give birth to more bears. She then grabs a parach...

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

car trouble

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. I think it has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s plain daft.”

Wife: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Don’t be silly, You don’t even know what a carburettor is. how would you...

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English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

A blonde was driving along in the countryside

just enjoying the views and the rolling hills, when suddenly she happened upon another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of the field, pulling the oars like her life depended.

Our hero slammed the brakes and exited her car, storming towards the boat and the still-rowing fair-haired woman...

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An Irishman walks into a therapists office...

**Therapist**: "So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Andrews?"

**Mr. Andrews**: "I feel guilty. I start drinkin' at noon 'til the missus comes 'ome, then she berates me for drinkin' all day instead of findin' work. We argue for a while 'til I'm fed up an' head down to the pub with the ...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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