Craziest Jokes - 43 Hilarious Craziest Jokes

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

The craziest thing happened today..

I went to get a prostate exam. I took off my pants and asked the doctor where I should put them.

He said, “next to mine.”

This has been the craziest day of my life.

First, I find a hat full of cash. Then, I’m chased by an angry man with a guitar

Which animal is the craziest?

The lunatick.

What type of bird is the craziest?

Ducks. Because they’re all Quacks.

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A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life.

“It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could cat...

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The craziest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages in our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

The craziest dream

Three young guys traveling together walk into a motel and find out there is only one room left and that room has only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to suck it up for the night and share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and quickly fall asleep.
The next m...

What kind of vegetable is the craziest to eat? [OC]

Plantains – it's just bananas!

Thought this up while at work today, might not be original but it gave me a chuckle :)

Walking through the woods……..

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off...

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

Remember when Sarah Palin used to be the craziest person in politics?

Those were good times.

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

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President visits an asylum convinced there must be some sane people committed at the asylum.

He comes upon a well-dressed man in his forties sitting under a tree and praying. Thinking the man looks normal the President asks the man what was going on and the man says, “Please don’t disturb me. I am the last messenger and prophet.”

The President realizes the man must be bat shit crazy ...

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Out of all the poop in the world...

Who thought batshit was the craziest?

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Dark humor

The craziest thing happen to me, the other day I was just chilling thinking in my head I decided I was gonna commit suicide, never gonna do that shit again because I almost died.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

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Three outlaws in the wild west were sitting around a campfire one night

They are all cooking some dinner and reflecting after a long day of robbing and pillaging.

The first outlaw says, "I am the craziest outlaw that has ever roamed the west. I robbed a bank in town today and I killed the guard just for looking at me funny!"

"You think that's crazy..." ...

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A woman wakes up hysterically laughing...

Her husband, hearing the laughter, immediately asks her what she finds to be so funny. “I had the craziest dream,” the wife says. “ I dreamt I was at a penis auction. The nicest penises were selling for $1,000 a piece, the ok penises were selling for $100, and the meh penises were selling for around...

I ran into an old buddy today...

I hardly recognized him, he looked mostly the same, except he had a giant round orange head. I said, “what have you been up to? You look a little different...you have a giant round orange head.” He said, “well, it’s the craziest thing. I met a leprechaun, and he gave me three wishes.” I said, “that’...

An engineer is walking across campus

And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story.

I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you w...

A guy goes fishing with Jesus in a small boat.

In the excitement of bringing in a fish one of the paddles gets dislodged and starts to float away. No problem I'll go get it says Jesus, and he just steps out and walks over to where it is and picks it up casually walking back to the boat.
Later his friends are asking him about their time on the...

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next t...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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Freudian Slip (possibly NSFW)

Two friends were chatting it up, as friends often do, when one brings up Freudian Slips. He says, ”The craziest thing happened to me the other day. I was going to the big game with my son, and we finally got up to the ticket window. You would not believe the size of the tits on the lady working the ...

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

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A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

There once were two people out in the woods...

When they happened to come upon an old well. One person looks at the other and says, "I wonder how deep that well is."

The other responds, "We can figure that out quick enough. Grab one of these logs here, toss it down the well, and count how long it takes to splash."

So the two find a...

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"

Jim saunt...

How to get two black eyes in church

Today, my aunt’s father passed away, after a long life and leaving behind a great family. He was a very funny man, and told me one of my favorite jokes of all time. I’m going to post that joke here; stay to the end, it’s worth it. RIP, Marcel.

A man walks into his neighborhood bar and sits do...

A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first campe...

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In the gateway to heaven, stands Gabriel the angel...

...and a guy comes along who recently passed away. "Welcome to Heaven," said Gabriel, "may I ask how you died?"
The guy says "look you won't believe it, I came home and saw my wife dressing up hastily and realized she was cheating on me. I looked for the fucker everywhere, until I heard screams f...

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This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...

When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him.

When he does, the other guy says to him, “You...

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Three Horny Women at a Bar (Long and Dirty)

Three horny women were sitting at a bar. It was closing time and the bartender was trying to close up shop. He tells the women to leave but the first replies.
"We're all very horny! But we don't have any boyfriends to go home to, can you help us out?"
The happily married bartender explains t...

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Man tells his wife he's going for a walk

but as he's walking around town he finds himself at his favorite bar taking a seat in front of the bartender.
"shot of Salior please", the man requests.
the bartender pours him the shot and takes a 20 from the man.
the man downs the shot and orders another.
time passes by, more shots are...

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Australia sensation

So, this guy from Europe was working in Australia for a few months and one day as he finishes his work he decided to go to the bordel. He was far from home, far from his wife, so he thought to himself "well, my wife will never know if I fuck a hooker here". So, there he is in this bordel and he goes...

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The Gorilla Hunter

An avid big game hunter decided to book a trip to the Congo in order to hunt Gorillas. He had never been to the Congo so upon arrival he asked several locals who the best guide for hunting Gorillas would be. Everyone told him to find a man named Joffe as he was an expert in hunting gorillas. Soon th...

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