Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

I got an awesome stereo made of cake.

It's a gateau blaster.

I told my husband I knew he was awesome because I took a poll...

And hit people with it until they agreed with me.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer

She’s a keeper

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prayed to God to send me a really awesome lover...

He told me go fuck myself.

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My mate said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

A mechanic makes for an awesome FWB.

He screws, nuts and bolts.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?

She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too.

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

It sounds more like the concept for an awesome store rather than a government agency.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off...

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

I watched this awesome show called Origami Wrestling yesterday

It was on paper-view

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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy shit...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the fuck out!"

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We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.”

It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine is getting pretty awesome

last night I got to fuck my sons teacher!

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

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Being a baby in a nappy was awesome, when I had to go to the toilet, I just went.

Never had to worry about that shit

My neighbours listen to awesome music.

Whether they like it or not

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

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Sharing Secrets

Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a boob job.

Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.

After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but...

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

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NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

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I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house...

Internet Discussion

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

I tried 360° noscoping a guy using an AWP and accidentally landed a headshot , it was awesome. Then I proceeded to T-bag him.

However the judge was not impressed and gave me a 14 years in prison.

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Have you heard about the invasion of alien women that only abduct people with big dicks?

Just wanted to let you know that you’re not in any danger. But this spaceship is fucking awesome.

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A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

Took my mom out yesterday!

Being a sniper is awesome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm fucking awesome,

Well, my wife is awesome.

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

I hate being bi-polar.

Its so awesome.

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife she was awesome while we were having sex...

Guess that means I was fucking awesome last night.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Great 1st Date Last Night

I had a great first date with a woman last night. We started kissing and she stopped and said......

"I just want to let you know that I don't give blowjobs or have sex during the 1st six months we date".......

I said, " Awesome, I look forward to seeing you again in May"

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Dad, why is my sister named Shore?

Your mom always wanted to have a horse, but I could never give her one, and Shore is an anagram of horse.

Wow, that's awesome!

Thanks, Morgas.

I have an awesome knock knock joke

but one of you has to start it.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Man boobs are awesome

Shit I forgot the comma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

Mr. President, what do you think about the constitution?

"It's truly awesome. I defeated the virus in only four days and I feel better than 20 years ago."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chicks at my junior highschool are awesome - today the hottest girl in my English class passed me a note saying she would blow me after school.

I fuckin love my new teaching job!

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

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A man walks into a bar. And orders a shot of vodka...

The bartender pours and serves the man a shot. The man shoots it quick, and orders another shot. The bartender pours and serves another shot. The man drinks it just as quickly as the first, and orders another shot. ...

After being inside for months, I decided to go out today.

The graphics were awesome, but the storyline is terrible.

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

Awesome name

Thanks, it was a birthday gift

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

The human brain is awesome..

The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day, from the day we were born and it stops only when we have math exam.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

I Was Late...

I was late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed all the intro rules, but Fight Club was awesome and I can't wait to tell everyone what a great time I had!

A guy goes to a department store and sees a display of thermoses...

"What is this thing?" he asks the sales rep. "Why that's a thermos, it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold." "Oh neat!" the guy says, "I'll take one!" The next day he goes to work with his new thermos under his arm. His boss sees him and says "Hey what is that you got there?" The guys says, "It'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!

I can't put 'em down!

I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.

Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far

Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person gets a choice to select between hell and heaven

A person dies and when God sees the account of his good and bad deeds, then it is known that he has equal amount of good and dirty actions. God gives him a chance to visit both hell and heaven and select where he wants to go.


When he goes to heaven, he sees everything is beautiful and all...

I just watched an awesome documentary on cocaine.

From now on, I'm watching all documentaries like this.

I thought I was buying a super awesomely high-powered jock itch cream.

but apparently the "AF" stands for "antifungal."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True latin story

Some friend of mine and his wife have some OnlyFans account, if you dont know about that, its a sucessful market, and obviously to create that awesome porn scene a real male needs some viagra. You know that long ass strokes aint real fam, come on man, 40s is the normal time for healthy men.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of my top jokes of all time. The first ten are great, and the last one is fucking awesome!

1) Great.

2) Great.

3) Great.

4) Great.

5) Great.

6) Great.

7) Great.

8) Great.

9) Great.

10) Great.

11) Fucking Awesome!

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

A young man goes off to college

A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.

"Dad, you won't be...

What's blue, yellow and awesome?

Green

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."

I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."

"Good! I like being a Christine."

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

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