Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to the hell. As usual, he gets a tour from the devil to know, where he actually came to.

They visit a first room with many tables and people are playing all the card games in a big style.
The man asks, what is going on and the devil explains: "Those are people, who got ...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

I got an awesome stereo made of cake.

It's a gateau blaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman was waiting for his buddy at the pub,

but after an hour of waiting, he became irritated.

Low and behold, his friend Dave FINALLY arrived.

The gentleman asked; "what took you so long, I've been waiting here for an hour!"

Dave began to apologize and told him; "I'm sorry bro, I met this wonderful woman by the railway...

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

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I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

I recently took up knitting...

...and I've gotten really good. I make awesome blankets with beautiful colored patterns. I made a bunch of them, but they're all at my ex-boyfriends house and he's really mad at me. I'm worried he might destroy them or throw them out just to get back at me.

I'm deeply concerned about the safe...

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

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I prayed to God to send me a really awesome lover...

He told me go fuck myself.

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

I told my husband I knew he was awesome because I took a poll...

And hit people with it until they agreed with me.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

A man completely blindsided his wife of 2 years, asking her for a divorce.

Although she was shocked and heart-broken, she asked the man *why* he wanted a divorce.

**Man:** Do you remember when we first met?

**Wife:** Yes…

**Man:** Well back then I had awesome long hair, I didn’t have a car but I had a janky motorcycle that I loved, I worked in a Bar,...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

Trumps personal assistant: „Hey Mr. President, All will be good! I had an awesome dream last night!“

T: „Oh really!? Tell me!!“
A: „There was a big parade in Washington with a hell of people celebrating your presence! Millions of people yelled out of joy when you passed them on the road, bands were playing, kids throwing confetti in the air! It was the most epic celebration ever been held in Was...

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A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' ...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

American guy walks into a bar

An American guy walks into a bar, he has a big beautiful, colorful, parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Wow! That thing awesome, where’d you get it?’

The parrot says “In America, they got millions of ‘em!”

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Really, most things escape baby goats.

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

My crush came to my work today and I fingered her

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off...

A mechanic makes for an awesome FWB.

He screws, nuts and bolts.

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

At the Spelling bee

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

I watched this awesome show called Origami Wrestling yesterday

It was on paper-view

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine is getting pretty awesome

last night I got to fuck my sons teacher!

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

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I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm fucking awesome,

Well, my wife is awesome.

I tried 360° noscoping a guy using an AWP and accidentally landed a headshot , it was awesome. Then I proceeded to T-bag him.

However the judge was not impressed and gave me a 14 years in prison.

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

You can't spell awesome

Without me.

I have an awesome knock knock joke

but one of you has to start it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man boobs are awesome

Shit I forgot the comma.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?

She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife she was awesome while we were having sex...

Guess that means I was fucking awesome last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chicks at my junior highschool are awesome - today the hottest girl in my English class passed me a note saying she would blow me after school.

I fuckin love my new teaching job!

Have you ever thought of an awesome joke but had to race the final 1% of your battery to post it?

Back when I had an Android I sure did but look at me now, my iPhone still has 27% lef........

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

Awesome name

Thanks, it was a birthday gift

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes and finds himself in hell

One day a man with many vices dies and finds himself in hell.

Wallowing in despair that his decisions in life have landed him in hell, he has a meeting with Satan.

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a l...

The human brain is awesome..

The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day, from the day we were born and it stops only when we have math exam.

I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!

I can't put 'em down!

Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

It sounds more like the concept for an awesome store rather than a government agency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sharing Secrets

Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a boob job.

Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.

After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but...

Have you guys heard about Fight Club? I went last night. Its pretty awesome, everyone should go.

I got there a few minutes late and missed some of the rules, but no problem!

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Going on a one night stand with me is like Game of Thrones

Everything is exciting, conversations are awesome, you really like where things are going and you are excited for things to come.

Then you get home with me, and all the build up is ruined with sloppy action which ends way too soon with utter disappointment and you never want to think about it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.”

It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy shit...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the fuck out!"

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

What's blue, yellow and awesome?

Green

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."

I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."

"Good! I like being a Christine."

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

I just watched an awesome documentary on cocaine.

From now on, I'm watching all documentaries like this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?

Anticlimactic

What makes awesome good and awful bad?

What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?



Moderation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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