UPJOKE
awfulamazingterrificfantasticincredibleimpressivetremendouswonderfulmarvelousphenomenalscaryawe-inspiringawingunbelievableawe

Awesome Jokes

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

Six topless women sounds awesome!

Dozen tit?

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME.

I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' ...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa


Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

I made this awesome new material that is immune to chicken attacks.

It’s impeckable.

Horses are awesome during the day.

But then, they become night-mares.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always thought waking up to a blowjob would be awesome.

But thats the last time i fall asleep on a park bench.

I have an awesome knock knock joke

but one of you has to start it.

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say makeup sex is awesome

but it just leaves my dick covered in lipstick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm fucking awesome,

Well, my wife is awesome.

Awesome name

Thanks, it was a birthday gift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man boobs are awesome

Shit I forgot the comma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prayed to God to send me a really awesome lover...

He told me go fuck myself.

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

I got an awesome stereo made of cake.

It's a gateau blaster.

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said: “Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"

“I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

A mechanic makes for an awesome FWB.

He screws, nuts and bolts.

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine is getting pretty awesome

last night I got to fuck my sons teacher!

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

What's blue, yellow and awesome?

Green

The human brain is awesome..

The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day, from the day we were born and it stops only when we have math exam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

I watched this awesome show called Origami Wrestling yesterday

It was on paper-view

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front o...

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!

If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off...

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

‪All the distilleries reworking to make hand sanitizer is crazy awesome

The stuff I’ve just bought to clean my hands in the car smells like Vodka, but it tastes just like Rum!‬

I'm reading this awesome book series on invincible dogs!

I can't put 'em down!

I told my husband I knew he was awesome because I took a poll...

And hit people with it until they agreed with me.

That awesome moment when you realise...

...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.

I just watched an awesome documentary on cocaine.

From now on, I'm watching all documentaries like this.

Awesome Comeback

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?!
Me: it committed suicide, had too many problems.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Really, most things escape baby goats.

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.

Why is a foot so awesome?

Because it's a legend

If King Awesome sat on a couch

He'd be Sofa King Awesome.

Morris says to his teenage daughter "There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is "awesome" and the other is "gross."

"OK" she replies, "what are they?"

I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years.

Thanks for everything dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a really awesome sexperience with my girlfriend, she turned to me.

"Honey, I used to be a Christian."

I thought about this and said, "I'm not worried about it. I love you just the way you are."

"Good! I like being a Christine."

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

What is the most awesomely amazing word in the English language?

Anticlimactic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Awesome Band...

I went to go see a Muslim tribute act last night. They were called Bomb Jovi and man, they were awesome. Their last song, the classic "Living on A Prayer Mat" almost brought the fucking house down. Afterwards I got chatting to this girl... well, I think she was a girl. I couldn't see much but she ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awesome shitjoke including A DEAD FROG ON A LEACH!!

So yeah there's this way too young boy entering a brothel while carrying a case full of money and dragging a dead frog on a leach. After the brothelmother asks what he wants he claims wanting to have fun with one of her girls to catch some nasty illness from her. First the brothelmother wants to ref...

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awesome reply from camel to elephant

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

The new Italian car tires are awesome!

Dago through rain!
Dago through snow!
Dago through ice!

But when dago flat,
Dago WOP WOP WOP WOP!

What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix?

Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It turns out I'm awesome at sex

I come first every time!

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bros are talking after an awesome party...

Bro 1: "Bro, you won't believe how crazy my night was!"

Bro 2: "Bro, it can't be crazier than mine."

Bro 1: "I got totally shit-faced and stumbled into one of the bedrooms to pass out on the bed. When I got there, this chick was already there, completely blacked out."

Bro 2: "Br...

My date last night was awesome. All it took was a little spark and she was laying on the floor.

I love my new taser.

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife and I had awesome anal sex last night

And she said tonight I get to do it to her

A genie gave me the "awesome" power of invisibility

I didn't see the fun of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks.

They are all very well done

The people who are born in September are really awesome

Their parents started their new year with a BANG!

My boss pulled up in his awesome new car today

My boss pulled up in his awesome new car today and i complimented him on it.

He sat himself down on the corner of my desk, put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "Well, Ponyface, if you set goals, you're determined, you work really hard and put in the long hours, I can get an even better on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome?

A radish

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.