Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says:
- "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says:
- "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says:
- "Impurities in the Gasoline"
The IT engineer says:
- "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women…

I'm calling it: Cadaviar.

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of?

Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.

if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic

wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker

For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine.

Only used once.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter?

They sound like shit.

A man goes into a restaurant and orders off the starter menu.

The waitress brings him a bowl of soup but the man notices she has her thumb stuck in it. When the soup is finished the waitress suggests beef stew as a main course. The man agrees but when she brings the stew to the table he notices she has her thumb stuck it that too. Once the stew is finished the...

Don't Spoil Endgame

Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.

Me: So... who died?

Friend: For starters, the kid.

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

A student gets called into the teacher’s office

Teacher: “Do you know why I called you here today?”

Student: “No.”

Teacher: “It’s because you cheated on the last test.”

Student: “How could you possibly know that?”

Teacher: “Well, for starters, on the last question Sam wrote ‘I don’t know.’ On your paper, you wrote ‘‘Me...

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was young.

Andre and Tony are good seven year old best buds with each other. one day they are playing hide & seek by a park. The December weather makes hiding in the snow extra fun. Eventually after playing the game for awhile, Andre notices how Tony seems to always find him. So, Andre asks Tony how he is ...

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

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A man was having premature ejaculation problems

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night...

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

Five boys lined up for a race

The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”

Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed put

The starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”

One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”

Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure?

Because they had a naan starter.

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:

"So, how's the sex been lately?"

"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"

"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with...

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

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Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

Blonde walks into a pawn shop...

Tells the cashier she would like to purchase the TV in the corner.

With out hesitation the clerk tells the blonde that they dont sell tvs to blonde people.

Puzzled, the blonde walks out. She returns the next day with a brown wig on, and ask the owner if ahe can buy the TV in the corner...

At an Indian restaurant, can you order bread as an appetizer?

Or is that a naan-starter?

What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus.

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

What does a red apple have in common with a green apple?

For starters, they're both red. Except for the green one.

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss...

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I d...

A man at a restaurant

A man at a restaurant sits down at a quiet table in the corner. The restaurant is empty, just him and the waiters inside.

The waiter takes his drinks order, a shaken martini, and heads for the bar to get cracking. As he leaves the man hears a voice call out:

>"Hey Jim, those are gr...

What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA?

Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters.

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A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems.

The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!...

What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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Still single

I was in a restaurant the other day and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. After starters and my first beer I convinced myself that I had to talk to her.
So there I was talking to her. We actually had the rest of diner together and after dessert I already knew that I had to marry this ...

Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

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New husband has a problem.

So he goes to the hospital to see his primary physician.

"Doc, my new wife is a dynamo. Every time she touches me I go off. You got anything to help me last long enough to satisfy her?"

"Just the thing," the doctor replies, pulling a starter pistol from his desk. The big red kind that...

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LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

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A man walks into a restaurant...

... with an ostrich that can magically speak. He asks to be seated and the waitress asks if the seat she shows him is alright. The ostrich replies instead saying "Whatever he says is fine with me!".

When it is time to order the man chooses, and the ostrich chooses the exact same drinks, star...

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Sponsor tattoos

A pro marathon runner gets sponsor tattoos and can't wait to show his girlfriend. He says," Look honey, I have Nike on my arm and Starter on by back!" Later that night in bed, he pulls off his pants, the girlfriend sees "Aids" tattooed on his penis, screams and runs into the bathroom. The runner ye...

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So a man is sitting on a plane...

And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginnin...

Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick?

One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

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Bob is suffering from premature issues in the bedroom...

Him and his wife are tired of it, it's starting to hurt their marriage. Bob decides to take his lunch hour from work and head to his doctor about it.

"Well Dick, it's just happening too fast, I can't seem to get it under control, what do you think?"

"Bob, we have pills and treatments a...

A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...

...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.

The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the sev...

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City man starts a farm

A city man moves to the country to start a farm. He goes to town and buys some animals.

First, he buys a rooster, but the lady tells him "Around these parts we call it a cock."

Next, he buys a young hen, but the lady tells him, "Around these parts we call them a pullet."

Finally...

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A fine taster once entered a restaurant and challenged the restaurant owner.

He told the restaurant owner to serve him anything, and he'd be able to identify it. The restaurant owner accepted the challenge, and the starter meal was served. The guest tasted it, thought about it for a few seconds and then said: "This is a paté from a wild boar, duck and common quail. The wine ...

A guy walks into the doctor's office...

He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.

Hey says, "Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!"

"For starters, you're not eating right."

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St. Patricks day jokes!

This is for y'all to add on to, but I've got us a few starters here. Enjoy!

* So two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

* An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives a...

Two brothers in a village

So there were two brothers who lived in a little village with their parents. The older brother had a cat, and what a beautiful cat it was! He loved his cat, absolutely adored it. So one day the older brother's boss told him that he had to go on an assignment to the capital city for the weekend. The ...

A man walks into a hardware store

A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.

The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard ...

A man goes into a new restaurant for dinner...

He orders his starter, and when he gets it, he notices that his plate is still dirty.

He asks the waiter why his plate is dirty.

The waiter replies,
"Sorry sir, that's the best cold water can get it."

When he gets his main course, he notices his plate is dirty. He asks the w...

TV shopping.

Mary Sue, a young woman with notable blonde hair, decided that she needed a new TV for her bedroom.

So she goes down to the local applience store and looks around before poking the nearest salesman in the shoulder. "Excuse me sir, I'd like to ask you a few questions about that TV."

The...

10 year old told me this one at the cap I work at: "Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?"

"Well he tried, but the new Google car doesn't have any feelings, and well... You know..."

Edit: camp I work at

I know its not the fubniest thing ever but i thought it was pretty creative for a kid his age. The other counselor thought otherwise tho. Didn't stop me from giving him permi...

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Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 ...

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