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A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The guy asks, “Why?”
And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”

Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.

Did you hear about the guy who got shot by a starter pistol ?

Police believe it was race related.

Why should every starter house come with a cat?

Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

The job posting said they were looking for a self-starter

so I called and told them I was hired.

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

What's an epileptic's favorite starter?

Seizure salad.

As we were sitting down for dinner, my girlfriend told me, “I think we need to see other people... For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.”

I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

I tried to make Indian sourdough

But that was a naan starter

If women are diesel engines

Then men are starter motors. Good for about 30 seconds of action before they need a 15 minute break.

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TIFU by sticking a chimney starter up my butt to cure my coronavirus.

Turns out it's only effective against the flue.

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt...

I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...

A Hipster and a Duck

Part 1.
A hipster walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender goes “Hey, where did you get that?”
The duck goes “In Brooklyn, there’s thousands of them!”

Part 2
A hipster walks into a Brooklyn bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks “What can I do for you?”
The...

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"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

A starter cable walks into a bar

The bartender says" I'll serve you but dont start anything."

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

What is wind?

Air in a hurry.

(My godmother told me that this joke back in 1930s used to be a sure fire starter)

if you don't have any conversation starters try the Titanic

wait nvm it's not a good icebreaker

Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class

The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.



"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"



As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and...

What are some good conversation starter jokes you can think of?

Just some light jokes with bit of humor . Nothing too dark.

I have a new starter business idea that's going to go viral! It's a unique product, created by harvesting the eggs from dead women…

I'm calling it: Cadaviar.

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine.

Only used once.

I'm seeing this girl and she redecorated her bedroom and I really don't like the new look.

Should I tell her?

It's kind of an awkward conversation starter from someone she has never met.

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Did you hear about the guy who's making "Colostomy Bag Pipes" on Kick Starter?

They sound like shit.

What's the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

For starters, one of them is an elephant.

A man goes into a restaurant and orders off the starter menu.

The waitress brings him a bowl of soup but the man notices she has her thumb stuck in it. When the soup is finished the waitress suggests beef stew as a main course. The man agrees but when she brings the stew to the table he notices she has her thumb stuck it that too. Once the stew is finished the...

Four Engineers

4 Engineers get into a car. A Mechanical Engineer, a Petroleum Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, and a Network Engineer. They go to start the car and nothing. The Mechanical Engineer says, "Hey guys, we've got a bad starter, we're going to need to fix that before the car will start." The Petrole...

Don't Spoil Endgame

Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down... some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.

Me: So... who died?

Friend: For starters, the kid.

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

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I'm thinking about starting a donation website for men who can't afford Viagra

I was going to call it "Dick starter"

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus.

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

Cannibal Jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"



A cannibal invites a friend around for dinner. As they're tucking into the starter, the guest says
"Wow. Your wife make a lovely stew."
"I know." answers the host. "I sure will miss...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

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Me and my wife have been seeing a marriage counselor lately and when we went in there he says "So tell me what do you two have in common?"

I said "Well for starters… Neither one of us suck dick!"

What's the difference between a bucket and a tub?

For starters, the bucket pails in comparison.

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

A student gets called into the teacher’s office

Teacher: “Do you know why I called you here today?”

Student: “No.”

Teacher: “It’s because you cheated on the last test.”

Student: “How could you possibly know that?”

Teacher: “Well, for starters, on the last question Sam wrote ‘I don’t know.’ On your paper, you wrote ‘‘Me...

Five boys lined up for a race

The starter said “1,2,3 GO!!”

Three of the boys raced away but two boys stayed put

The starter asked “Why didn’t you guys run?”

One of the boys replied “You said 1,2,3 go, didn’t say nothing about me and number 5”

A lion goes into a restaurant

He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!...

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Two friends are having their weekly beer in a bar NSFW

They talk about everything, so it's only a matter of time before one of them asks the other:

"So, how's the sex been lately?"

"Terrible" says the other. "Every time my wife and I hook up, she loses her attention!"

"Well," said the first guy, "I remember having that problem with...

Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure?

Because they had a naan starter.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA?

Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters.

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

At an Indian restaurant, can you order bread as an appetizer?

Or is that a naan-starter?

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I d...

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At the logging camp...

A Newfie goes to northern Ontario to work in a logging camp. His first day, the foreman gives him a chainsaw and sends out to cut trees. He comes back at the end of the shift and the foreman asks him how it went.

“Jeeze, dat was hard work, but I did cut down two trees.”

The foreman say...

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A man walks into a restaurant...

... with an ostrich that can magically speak. He asks to be seated and the waitress asks if the seat she shows him is alright. The ostrich replies instead saying "Whatever he says is fine with me!".

When it is time to order the man chooses, and the ostrich chooses the exact same drinks, star...

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LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

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A married couple goes to a marriage Counsellor to work out some problems.

The Counsellor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, let's talk about something you both have in common."

The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."

What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

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A wealthy widow decides to get remarried.

So she decides to post an ad in the newspaper.

I am a wealthy widow looking for a new husband. All I ask are three things. 1: he musn't beat me. 2: he musn't walk over me. 3: he must be good in bed. Apply in person at xxx widow's peak.

At 8:00 am the following day, her doorbell rang. W...

Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick?

One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

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Still single

I was in a restaurant the other day and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. After starters and my first beer I convinced myself that I had to talk to her.
So there I was talking to her. We actually had the rest of diner together and after dessert I already knew that I had to marry this ...

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So a man is sitting on a plane...

And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him.
The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him!
Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginnin...

A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...

...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.

The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the sev...

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A fine taster once entered a restaurant and challenged the restaurant owner.

He told the restaurant owner to serve him anything, and he'd be able to identify it. The restaurant owner accepted the challenge, and the starter meal was served. The guest tasted it, thought about it for a few seconds and then said: "This is a paté from a wild boar, duck and common quail. The wine ...

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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New husband has a problem.

So he goes to the hospital to see his primary physician.

"Doc, my new wife is a dynamo. Every time she touches me I go off. You got anything to help me last long enough to satisfy her?"

"Just the thing," the doctor replies, pulling a starter pistol from his desk. The big red kind that...

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City man starts a farm

A city man moves to the country to start a farm. He goes to town and buys some animals.

First, he buys a rooster, but the lady tells him "Around these parts we call it a cock."

Next, he buys a young hen, but the lady tells him, "Around these parts we call them a pullet."

Finally...

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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A guy walks into the doctor's office...

He's got a strawberry shoved up each nostril, carrots sticking out of his ears, and a hotdog shoved halfway up his ass.

Hey says, "Doctor, I don't know what it is, but I feel terrible!"

"For starters, you're not eating right."

A man walks into a hardware store

A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.

The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard ...

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Bob is suffering from premature issues in the bedroom...

Him and his wife are tired of it, it's starting to hurt their marriage. Bob decides to take his lunch hour from work and head to his doctor about it.

"Well Dick, it's just happening too fast, I can't seem to get it under control, what do you think?"

"Bob, we have pills and treatments a...

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Sponsor tattoos

A pro marathon runner gets sponsor tattoos and can't wait to show his girlfriend. He says," Look honey, I have Nike on my arm and Starter on by back!" Later that night in bed, he pulls off his pants, the girlfriend sees "Aids" tattooed on his penis, screams and runs into the bathroom. The runner ye...

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St. Patricks day jokes!

This is for y'all to add on to, but I've got us a few starters here. Enjoy!

* So two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

* An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives a...

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