UPJOKE
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So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick last week.

She still isn’t talking to me.

Chapped

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kis...

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

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The cowpoke rides up to the saloon...

dismounts and ties up his horse, and before entering the saloon, walks around behind the horse, lifts up his tail and plants a big ol' kiss right on the horse's butthole.
He walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Howdy pardner! Can't help but notice you're mighty friendly with your horse t...

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So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps...

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

A cowboy rides into town wearing a paper suit. Paper hat, paper jacket, paper pants and chaps, everything he wore was made of paper.

He wasn't in town five minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

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My friend called me a queer for using chapstick...

I'm not gay, I just like the way it feels in my ass.

A chap is flying in a hot air balloon but is lost. He sees paddy below and shouts, "Hey, do you know where I am?"

Paddy says, "You can't fool me, you're in that box."

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

A doctor walks into a bar...

He orders a daiquiri, and the bartender serves him up. After finishing his drink, he compliments the bartender, saying, "that's the best daiquiri I've ever had!"

The next day, the doctor returns and orders another daiquiri, the bartender serves him, the doctor drinks it down and again complim...

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

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The Desert, a Camel, and Chapped Lips

A man is trekking across the Arabian desert with a guide and his camel.



After some time walking through the blistering heat and blowing sand, the man began to notice his lips were getting chapped. Not to be deterred, the man pushed forward, wetting his own lips with his tongue. As t...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

What do you call someone who only chaps their bottom lip?

A uni-balmer.

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

Duck walks into a drugstore, asks for some Chap Stick.

Guy behind the counter says "That'll be fifty-nine cents"

Duck says "Put it on my bill.'

Next day, duck walks into a drugstore again. Asks for a package of condoms.

Guy behind the counter says "That's three bucks; you want I should put them on your bill?"

Duck says "So...

I saw a chap dashing though town with what looked like a dolphin tucked under his arm.

I thought to myself, "now there's a guy with a porpoise".

What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?

Put it on my bill.

A chap walked into a bar with a newt

On his shoulder and asks the barman for a pint of beer and saucer of milk for Tiny the barman fetches the drinks and puts them on the bar the man starts to drink the beer and the newt starts to lap the milk ,on seeing this the barman asks the man why do you call him Tiny.... the man replies Cosz he'...

When I think about it, Gaston really was a peaceable chap...

It's a shame. He was a shoe in for the No-Belle prize.

The Irish Stevedore

A diminutive native of Ireland applied at the wharf for work as a stevedore. He was only about five feet in height, and the foreman was dubious.

“We’re loading 300-pound anvils onto that boat, and a little chap like you couldn’t handle them,” he said. “Try me, “ answered Pat.
So the fore...

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What does Joan Jett use when her lips are chapped?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry balm!

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

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Want to know why I put lip balm on my bum hole?

Keeps the chaps away

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?

Chap. 1

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What do you call British men without butts?

Assless chaps.

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

Ballerina

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Bu...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

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A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.


With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?

Cause they'll get chapped lips

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey?

Assless chaps.

Source:

http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

100% True Story - Funniest Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Not long after my younger son was born I left the Army and, not having a new job to go to and my wife having a great job, I looked after the house and my two boys for some years.

When my older son started school, we would walk home together and discuss what he'd learned and talk about life. ...

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

A lottery winner celebrates by buying himself a Rolls-Royce and membership of the local golf club.

Obviously when he gets the car he has to drive it straight round to the golf club and make sure all the members get to see it, and he's ostentatiously buying drinks for the whole bar but sticking to lemonade himself because he's "got to drive the Roller home later, you know", and when it's time to g...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

What do call a landscaper’s nicest pair of pants?

His Grassless Chaps.

I had a job interview yesterday...

The chap conducting the interview had a copy of my CV in front of him. He said to me

"It says here you're a man of mystery"

"That's correct" I replied

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"No"

The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.
...

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An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplie...

Pat and Mike the Irishmen are walking down Regent Street...

...when suddenly Pat sees a sign. "Full suit: £25, Shirt: £10, Trousers: £10." He gives Mike a nudge. "Look at that, Mike! Clothes are so cheap here! We should buy this guy out and sell this stuff for a fortune when we get back to Ireland!"

"Great plan!" says Mike. "But if he thinks we're Iri...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

The cowboy

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the s...

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship.

The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner:

Captain: "These Germans think they're so smart, but they're no match for the British Navy. Do you actually believe they've sent any spies here?"

Spy: "Uhh, Nein, of course"

Captain: "Nine spies!? Bl...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

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Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”

The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

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What do you call a man with no butt?

An assless chap!

What's the difference between a girder and a joist?

it's my cake day, so here's my favorite joke.

An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply. The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn't care for Irishmen, thinks they're drunks and dumb and unreliable. But he knows he can't just come out and say that.<...

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey?

Assless Chaps



My coworker used to tell me this one.

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Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

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Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

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I refuse to participate in my girlfriend’s western fantasy, where she dresses up as a cowgirl.

I’m just not a fan of chapped lips.

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What's they call a British mans penis

A chap stick

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Two horses are chatting after winning their respective races at the grand national...

"I say old chap, you did fantastically on your race! How did you manage?"

"Well to be honest I'm a little confused, I couldn't break out of the pack, couldn't make any ground when about a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat, right up my arse, so I powered on trying to g...

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A scottsman walks into a pub, looking down in the dumps.

The bartender looks up to see the miserable chap and asks him about his woes.

"Wanna know what's fucked up?" The man says with a sigh, "If you build three houses for the community, do people go 'oh, there goes McDonough: the homebuilder?' No, never. If you save five wee lads and lasses from a...

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A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

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MI6 is Hiring

MI6 needed a new recruit, they had thousands of applicants. Needing only one person, they held multiple tests, and interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three men, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman.

The Chief of MI6 had one final test. A test that would surely...

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

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Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything... (long)

... and the manager tells him that at the end of his first day he'll come down and see how he got on. The guys first day ends and the manager does indeed come down and proceeds to ask the man how many sales he made.

"Only one".

The manager's furious. You only made one sale? The rest o...

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't ...

Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.

The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.

I said, “excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this”
...

A postman is going on holiday

A postman is going on holiday. He has a good relationship with a homeowner along his route and decides to let him know about his upcoming absence. During work hours, he arrives at the man's home and chaps on the door and after a few moments he opens it.



"Hey there, what have you got f...

An American, An Englishman, and a German are walking down a country road...

...When they see storm clouds on the horizon. Not wanting to spend the night out in the cold rain, they run for the nearest shelter they can make out: A farmhouse. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and he replies, "Well, I DID have three beds, but one of them got infected with bedbugs....

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A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best country in the world

An American, Chinese man, Englishman and Australian are sitting at a bar, arguing who has the best country in the world.

American: Sorry partners but we've got the best country in the world because we've got the greenest grass.

Chinese man: I don't about you three but we've got the bes...

OC joke

A very tired chap comes into a hotel late at night without a reservation and asks for a quiet room.

The receptionist checks the computer and says:

you're very lucky, we have one room left in the second floor, and on the third floor there's only a library, so it's very quiet at night....

Two prisoners on death row

On the day of their execution, the warden visits the cell of the 2 inmates to be sentenced to death.
The warden asks the first prisoner, "Any requests?"
The first prisoner says, "I'd like to listen to Despacito one last time"
The warden being the considerate chap that he was, concurs and tu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks his horse up to a bar, dismounts, hitches it, and then he walks around the horse, lifts up the tail and sticks his finger in the horse's ass.  The bar keep notices this and soon everyone in the bar is watching through the window. He then takes the befouled finger and smears the excrem...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar

and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

The Scotsman said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
The Irishman replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'...

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

Stevie Wonder is in China for a concert...

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy kno...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thin...

A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He's waddles up to the counter and asks for a Chap Stick. The pharmacist gives the duck the Chap Stick and says, "That will be two dollars."
The duck replies "That's okay, just put it on my bill."

A few hours later, another duck walks into the same pharmacy, (it's right near the park.) ...

Two english hunter types are sitting in a hospital waiting room

The first fellow says "I believe it's 'whoooom!'"



The other chap replies "no, no ,no - it's definitely 'WHHOOM!' "



A nurse passes by, hearing the conversation. She pauses, and tells the gents "actually , it's pronounced 'womb' "



To that, the first gent s...

Trekking through the Desert

Two Englishmen and a Bedouin guide are trekking through the desert. The sun is beating down and the throats are parched and their lips are dry and cracked when one of the Englishmen notice that the Bedouin's lips look fine - no chapping, no cracking, nothing. He asks, how do you keep your lips from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy gets a cow boy outfit for his birthday...

and goes into the local ice cream shop. He's dressed in his chaps, a vest, a cowboy hat, a kerchief, a black mask and a double set of holster with two plastic guns. He runs through the doorway of the shop and the woman behind the counter recognizes him immediately as the little boy down the street. ...

Two englishmen lost their donkey at a fetish convention

What a pair of assless chaps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy goes down to the stable

He lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

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