I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'

​

'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'

​

He said, 'Swear down.'

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.

The next day he pooped his pants.

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied th...

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.

I saw a chap dashing though town with what looked like a dolphin tucked under his arm.

I thought to myself, "now there's a guy with a porpoise".

Duck walks into a drugstore, asks for some Chap Stick.

Guy behind the counter says "That'll be fifty-nine cents"

Duck says "Put it on my bill.'

Next day, duck walks into a drugstore again. Asks for a package of condoms.

Guy behind the counter says "That's three bucks; you want I should put them on your bill?"

Duck says "So...

What do you call two British men, searching for a donkey?

Assless chaps.

Source:

http://www.mrlovenstein.com/images/comics/345_daft_for_donkey.png

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

When I think about it, Gaston really was a peaceable chap...

It's a shame. He was a shoe in for the No-Belle prize.

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Ballerina

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. Bu...

A chap walked into a bar with a newt

On his shoulder and asks the barman for a pint of beer and saucer of milk for Tiny the barman fetches the drinks and puts them on the bar the man starts to drink the beer and the newt starts to lap the milk ,on seeing this the barman asks the man why do you call him Tiny.... the man replies Cosz he'...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

​

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

​

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”

The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English...

Two mathematicians and blonde waitress.

Two mathematicians were in a restaurant. One of them was a hard-core misogynist and claimed that women were never any good at maths, especially the blonde ones. His friend claimed that there was no difference and that women were just as capable as men. When the misogynist went for a cigarette, the o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the com...

This fellow walks by an optometrist's shop.

Displayed in the storefront is a gigantic pair of sunglasses accompanied by a sign, "Nudie Sunglasses!" The chap is intrigued, goes inside and asks the optometrist about them. The optometrist says, "Try them on and see for yourself."

The guy tries on the giant sunglasses, looks at the optomet...

Two englishmen lost their donkey at a fetish convention

What a pair of assless chaps

Two prisoners on death row

On the day of their execution, the warden visits the cell of the 2 inmates to be sentenced to death.
The warden asks the first prisoner, "Any requests?"
The first prisoner says, "I'd like to listen to Despacito one last time"
The warden being the considerate chap that he was, concurs and tu...

What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?

Put it on my bill.

Smokin’ Old Ladies

Two ladies in their 80s, best friends Ethel and Delores, are smoking while enjoying each other’s company.

“Delores,” Ethel starts, “how do smoke regularly but your lips never chap or crack?”

“Well, I use these,” Delores responds as she pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip of the c...

A man comes home from the pub....

...to his wife. He’s very drunk and she’s very annoyed. She says to him “if you go out again tomorrow and get drunk again I’m leaving you...”

Next day, the man goes to the pub and says to his friends “if I get drunk tonight and go home the wife will leave me so I can’t get drunk”.

Nee...

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Massless chaps.

Credit: a student always writes a "joke/pun of the day" on the board every morning. The original punchline was "boo jeans". Other students like to compete throughout the day to come up with a better punchline. I thought this one was so good I'd see if it got any love from redd...

Walked into a dry cleaners the other day and I was amazed.

The chap behind the counter had fluorescent blue gel like hands. To my further amazement, he was using them as detergent on the clothes.

I said, “excuse me sir, may I ask you to hold my bag whilst I take a photo of your appendages?! I feel like the internet would be amazed at this”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

There’s a “drink free for a year” sign over the bar

Chap inquires and the bartender tells him he has to do three things; (1) fight the strapping bar back and win, (2) go to the cellar and pull a sore tooth from the mouth of a pit bull, and (3) make love to his 83 year old grandmother. Off he goes and manages to beat the bar back, but just barely. Sta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are working in a construction yard...

It gets to lunchtime, the men sit down on a half-constructed skyscraper and the Englishman opens his sandwich bag.

He says "Oh great, I've got cheese sandwiches AGAIN"

The Scotsman and Irishman also have cheese sandwiches.

The Englishman says "Tell you what chaps, if I have c...

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't ...

The Old Fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.
...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's they call a British mans penis

A chap stick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best country in the world

An American, Chinese man, Englishman and Australian are sitting at a bar, arguing who has the best country in the world.

American: Sorry partners but we've got the best country in the world because we've got the greenest grass.

Chinese man: I don't about you three but we've got the bes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW 69

A shy young man who on his 25th birthday confides to his best friends hes never been laid. They all have a laugh and poke fun, one chap asks "not even a 69", the shy young man just looks back puzzled, with that its decided they're pitching in and taking him to the whore house to get a "69". When the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplie...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The go...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’

After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.

The host is letting peopl...

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

It's 1917 and at this point, the Great War could go either way...

British generals were growing concerned when one day a bright chap came up with an idea.

"What's a common German name?" said Pvt Smith.

One of his mates pipes up, "Schultz is fairly common."

So the two soldiers crept to the edge of their trench and called over the top, "HEY SCHU...

Stevie Wonder is in China for a concert...

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy kno...

I had Kevin Spacey show up at a house party

I don’t see what all the fuss about him is. I was chatting to him for an hour about all things from art and music to politics.

He’s a very articulate and intelligent man but I must say his sense of direction is a bit off.

He cut our conversation short saying that he had to use the li...

MI6 is Hiring

MI6 needed a new recruit, they had thousands of applicants. Needing only one person, they held multiple tests, and interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three men, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman.

The Chief of MI6 had one final test. A test that would surely...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's World War 1...

British and German troops are set deep in the French countryside within their respective trenches. Separating them is no man's land, a small field littered with barbed wire, mortar craters, fallen heroes and their armaments.

Shots are being sporadically fired in each direction with no side ga...

Man starts work at a store that sells practically anything... (long)

... and the manager tells him that at the end of his first day he'll come down and see how he got on. The guys first day ends and the manager does indeed come down and proceeds to ask the man how many sales he made.

"Only one".

The manager's furious. You only made one sale? The rest o...

An American backpacker stumbles upon a patch of magic mushrooms while traveling through the jungle.

He decides to make his adventure even more adventurous and eats the mushrooms.

A couple minutes later, everything starts to seem vibrant and oddly colorful.

He starts to hallucinate.

He follows what appears to be a trail and runs into a French chameleon.

The chameleon s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

Guy walks into a bar out west

It's deserted except for the barkeep.

"Where's everybody?" the guy asks.
"Down at the town square. There's a hangin' today."
"Yeah? Who they hangin'?"
"Brown Paper Jack."
"Why do they call him that?"
"Well, everything about him is brown paper...chaps, shirt, hat, belt--he even ...

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar

and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

The Scotsman said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
The Irishman replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'...

An American, An Englishman, and a German are walking down a country road...

...When they see storm clouds on the horizon. Not wanting to spend the night out in the cold rain, they run for the nearest shelter they can make out: A farmhouse. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and he replies, "Well, I DID have three beds, but one of them got infected with bedbugs....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl informs her parents that she hasn't menstruated in two months

Her parents are shocked and furious. Her mother is crying, her father swears to kill the pig who did this to her. He bids her daughter to call that sonuvabitch at once. So the girl calls her boyfriend, they talk for a few minutes, then she hangs up.

After half an hour, an amazing Porsche stop...

An Irishman wants to rob a London bank...

An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman.

After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in ...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots.
"My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we a...

So a duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and asks, "Hey bartender, got any chap stick?"

Bartender looks a little puzzled and replies "No, I don't have any chap stick. You need a drink?"

The duck doesn't say anything and walks out of the bar.

The next day around the same time the duck goes bac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does your wife have dry lips?

Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips

One day Paddy goes into a pharmacy..

He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid aro...

Puttin' Together a Posse

This guy comes into the sheriff's office and says, "Sheriff, we're puttin' together a posse and goin' after an outlaw."

The sheriff says, "What's he look like?"

The guy says, "Well, he's wearin' a brown paper hat, a brown paper kerchief, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper belt, brown p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday...

...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk.

First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier:

'How ol...

What do you call a European fellow with no ass?

An assless chap

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He got Lucky on women's day

A professor walks in to a class. He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have sex most often are the happiest.
To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having sex once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having sex once a week are put to another ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy gets a cow boy outfit for his birthday...

and goes into the local ice cream shop. He's dressed in his chaps, a vest, a cowboy hat, a kerchief, a black mask and a double set of holster with two plastic guns. He runs through the doorway of the shop and the woman behind the counter recognizes him immediately as the little boy down the street. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
...

A good will gesture . . .

A friendly chap from a local charity asked for a donation towards restoring the community swimming pool today. . . I gave him a bottle of water.

Falklands veteran

A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was th...

A cowboy rode into town; at first, the streets seemed deserted, but moments later he saw a large crowd...

...It looked like the entire town was milling about the town square. A shopkeeper was nearby, one of only a few people who weren't in the square.

"What's goin' on?", queried the cowboy. The shopkeeper replied, "Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Bill."

"That's an unusual name," said the...

Wrapping Paper Cowboy

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.

Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were als...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three guys sit down at a bar...

an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American.
The Englishman turns to his two bar mates and says "I say, Last night I Rogered my old lady three times. This morning she cooked me up a plate of hot flapjacks and said I was the best man she had ever slept with. Ripping time."

The Frenchman rai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Washing cars

One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. "Wow," he thought to himself, "that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minut...

Falklands Heroes

Three soldiers of the Falklands Conflict saved their battalion from a minefield, and their commanding officer decided to reward them. They were waiting for their CO in his office in London when he strolled in. "Well chaps, since this wasn't officially a war I can't give you any medals. So, I will me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....

When they both suddenly die part way through the song.

They are reincarnated as ass-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Her Majesties Corgis

One day a man was enjoying a pint at a pub located near Buckingham Palace. While he sat there, he couldn't help but notice another man drinking pint after pint with a gloomy face. Being a nice fellow, he decided to chat with the gentleman, and had the barkeep buy him a pint, as he sat next to him....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magumba

2 jungle explorers are tied after being captured. One native gives them a choice in broken english- " Death or Magumba?" "Well,I say, old chap, Magumba, whatever that is, certainly beats death-" the natives cheer and lift him high in the air, strip him naked and tie him ass up to a log- then, more t...

A teen boy wants to borrow the car, so he opens his parents' bedroom door to ask.

He sees his dad wearing only chaps and a cowboy hat, on top of his mother, who has a feathered headdress and an indian squaw outfit on. He quickly shuts their door and disappears.

The parents decided to finish what they were doing, but a few minutes later, the wife asks the dad to go talk t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Cowboy are riding the range,one gets off his horse,lifts it's tail and kisses it right on the ass....

Cowboy 1: Hoe Lee Shit! Why did you do that!?

Cowboy 2: I have chap lips..

Cowboy 1: And that cures it?

Cowboy 2: No, it keeps me from licking them!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a guy walks into a bar and can barely contain his excitement...

The bartender says to the guy, "You seem pretty excited. How can I help you, my man?" The dude says, "Give me six shots of the strongest stuff you've got." The bartender replies, "Damn, what's the occasion?" The chap says, "I just experienced my first blowjob!" The server says, "I'll give you anothe...