UPJOKE
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Cracking Jokes

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

So I’m not that god at cracking jokes…

Nor do I seem to be fluent in spelling.

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

An Italian guy cracking a joke

Q: Why Russia is-a not safe?





A: Because of crime-a

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Cracking walnuts

A young boy says to his mother, "Mommy, why would Daddy crack walnuts and feed them to Mrs. Gilroy?" The mother responded, "That's silly, Ryan. Why would you even ask a question like that?" Ryan said, "Because I heard Daddy telling Uncle Eric that he busted a nut in Mrs. Gilroy's mouth and that she ...

A man walks into a sperm bank cracking jokes with his buddy.

One of the employees says, “Get a load of this guy.”

You hear about the guy that made a song out of remixing his cracking knuckels?

It was a pop song

I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.

I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing as it turns out one-third of users share logins

Recent news from the company shows they are not worried about the other two-thirds who are Redditors with no friends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Mark Zuckerberg is cracking down on Facebook bots.

I wasn’t expecting him to turn against his own kind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Point to something and tell the person next to you "Oh no, that's cracking."

Hopefully they say "What's cracking? and then you can hit them with "Not much, what's cracking with you?!?"

Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes

I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny

They just kept staring at me.

The thief was cracking the safe...

in a warehouse. Suddenly, a parrot in the rafters squawked "Hey! What'cha doin' down there?"
The thief waited a bit, but nothing else happened, so he went back to work on the safe. Occasionally, the parrot would repeat his question.
After 15 minutes or so, he feels hot air on his ea...

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

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