UPJOKE
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So I’m not that god at cracking jokes…

Nor do I seem to be fluent in spelling.

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.

I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.

An old man dies and goes to heaven...

When he gets there, he is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

He turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of cherries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, he sees someone wh...

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

You hear about the guy that made a song out of remixing his cracking knuckels?

It was a pop song

Netflix is cracking down on password sharing as it turns out one-third of users share logins

Recent news from the company shows they are not worried about the other two-thirds who are Redditors with no friends

A man walks into a sperm bank cracking jokes with his buddy.

One of the employees says, “Get a load of this guy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Mothers day

I gave my mom flowers yesterday for mothers day and she and my dad jokingly asked whose yard I stole them from.

I said I stole them from the graveyard.

It took me a second to realize what I had said, they looked horrified then we all started cracking up laughing.

I'm glad my ...

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

An Italian guy cracking a joke

Q: Why Russia is-a not safe?





A: Because of crime-a

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey to Moscow, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at president Putin. The man is annoyed that he can’t sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

“Com...

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

Jack, a renowned atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,

until we pulled up to the morgue.

Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes

I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Point to something and tell the person next to you "Oh no, that's cracking."

Hopefully they say "What's cracking? and then you can hit them with "Not much, what's cracking with you?!?"

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a cracking pair of tits!

That new eczema cream doesn’t seem to be working.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a cracking pair of boobs.

Her eczema is getting worse.

Tried cracking a joke about deaf people, but I guess it wasn't funny

They just kept staring at me.

My dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays...

I asked, “What about mummy-written essays?”

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