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My grief counselor just died

He was so good, I didn't give a shit.

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time

As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband. "He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn't say he loves me enough..."


This continues for some time until finally the counselor stands up and tells the wife to stop. He then says, "Stand up and...

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Our marriage guidance counselor offers a 24 hour SMS advice service

It's difficult to decipher some of his typos and auto-corrects, but his recommendation for a suck-sex-full relationship was spot on!

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What do you call an angry counselor?

A therapissed.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor...

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the man, "So, can you tell me what started your problems?"

The man replies. "It started off a trivial thing. I just said to her, "Julia, can you bring me a glass of water?"

The counselor says, "Julia, what ...

Marriage counselor: What’s the problem? Me: My wife needs help. Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?

Me: No, she’s looking for me

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My grief counselor died the other day

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

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My wife and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counselor said,” Let’s start this session on a positive note with things you have in common. Who wants to go first?”
I said,” I will.“

Counselor ask, “Ok name something you two have in common.”

I said , “Neither one of us SUCK Dick”

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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”

The man instantly stiffens up and look...

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning

I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband: To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

What do you call a drug addiction counselor addicted to prescription opiates?

An Oxymoron.

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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks the wife, “What's the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”

A couple goes to a marriage counselor.

The counselor asks, “What brings you two here today?”

The wife says, “He takes everything literally, l can’t stand it anymore!”

The husband says, “My truck.”

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?


John: No,im just wondering?


Counselor: Wondering about what?


John: We dont have a car.

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Our marriage counselor said, "sex in a relationship should not take the back seat".

I said, "not a problem I drive a 2 seater roadster"

My wife pipes up, "true, that stick shift is a blessing!"

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

Did you hear about the mime artist who tried to become an anger management counselor?

He eventually drove everyone up the wall.

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Went to a marriage counselor today, he asked me something that I have in common with my wife

Apparently "not sucking dicks" was the wrong answer

The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is talking with his counselors.

One of them asks, "What are your current plans?" The prince says, "I'm going to starve to death a few hundred thousand people in Yemen and dismember one journalist." The counselor asks, "Why the journalist?" "See, no one cares about the people in Yemen."

Same service...

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring me water and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it\`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the water and my wife runs around barki...

How many depression counselors does it take to treat a patient who've seen the same joke thrice in a day?

I will let you know when I recover.

A man visits a counselor

The counselor says "You should look to improve your life, but it'll take a lot of work on your part."

Months pass, and the man comes back.

"What brings you in today?" asks the counselor.

"Two things. First, thanks for the advice it totally worked!"

"What... that was fast,...

Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?

The only advice he gives is “Use di-
vorce”

How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

So she asked me to hold my breath.

My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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Great joke from a marriage counselor to my fiancé and Iast night.

In Northern Ireland there's a new Catholic priest in town at the ripe age of 25. He gives his first sermon ever, and the whole town is blown away and approaches him with lots of praise after he's finished mass. Feeling inspired, so much so that he tells the town that he will come and visit all of th...

So I'm a Camp Counselor taking a short nap at work....

And I'm laying my head on my backpack. One of campers says "What're you doing?"
I reply. "Taking a nap on my pillow."
She says, "That's not a pillow."
I respond, "Anythings a pillow, if you put your mind to it."

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Marriage counselor to new patients: Before discussing a couples differences, I first like to hear what they have in common.

Husband: Fine. We both hate to suck cock.

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My wife and I have been seeing a counselor for our sex life, and things have really been improving.

We take turns on her.

Bill Clinton was seeing his counselor...

And his counselor asked how Hillary's head was doing with all this e-mail controversy. Bill replied, "Still not as good as Monica's."

A married couple come to the marriage counselor...

A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:
- We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..

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Married couple in their 40s walk into a marriage counselor's office.

Counselor: What seems to be the problem?

Immediately both husband and wife begin complaining about each other's faults.

Counselor: Whoa, wait. Let's try again and this time, let's try to talk about areas you have some common ground.

Husband: Well, neither of us suck dick.

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

A couple goes to a marriage counselor

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.

"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each...

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

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Marriage Counselor

A couple are at marriage counseling and the wife says, "Even during sex he acts uninterested, not to mention he has a tiny penis". The counselor thinks for a moment, then looks at her and says, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!" He laughs and high fives the husband with the small penis.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse are having marital problems and decide to go see a marriage counselor.

Counselor: "Well Mickey/Minnie, from what I gather, Mickey thinks you Minnie, are going crazy?"

Mickey: "That is not what I said, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

A couple went to a marriage counselor..

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.<...

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...try the wheelbarrow... [long]

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their choice of positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow? Just lift her legs from behind and insert your penis and off you go!" The eager husban...

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

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I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

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Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

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Troubled moth.

Moth flutters into a podiatrist office ..

doc: what be the problem moth?

Moth: I don’t even know where to begin... life suck , people really fuckin suck, I want to take my fully loaded and cocked 9mm n blow my god damn brains out.

Doc: whoaa! You’re troubled moth!! But why did...

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Bass Solo

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing h...

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A man visits a couple...

who are having some marriage issues. The man walks in and sees the wife and asks "Where is Roberto?"

"He's in the barn doing only God knows what," she replies.

So the man begins walking to the barn. As he gets closer he hears music and sees Roberto dancing. Roberto begins to slowly tak...

This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigor...

Redneck Job seekers

2 redneck brothers are going to an employment agency

The counselor asks the 1st redneck "do you have any special skills?"

He replies "I'm a pilot."

She says "oh that's wonderful! There is a high demand for good pilots. if you go down to the airport you will have no problem f...

Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.

The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your ...

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THAT's how you do it!

So there's a couple that have been happily married for 30 years, except for one thing: the woman has never had an orgasm. So they visit a marriage counselor.

The counselor listens to their tale of woe, and says to the husband, "Here's what you do. Go to the gym and find a strapping young man....

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City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

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A couple goes to marriage counseling

A couple goes to marriage counseling for one last effort to save their marriage. The counselor asks what the main problem seems to be.

"We disagree on everything. We basically have nothing in common"

The counselors thinks for a second and says "Well this is easy enough. Let's find som...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

post-graduate plans

My college counselor asked me what my post-graduate plans were, and I told her I was interested in cleaning mirrors. When she asked why, I just shrugged and told her it was a job I could see myself doing.

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How do they say "fuck you" in...

... New York? "Trust me."

... Alabama? "That's nice."

... Australia? "Mate, ..." (as opposed to, "... mate.")

... Canada? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

... The armed forces? "With all due respect..."

... Congress? "Thank you."

... Press conferences? "No co...

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Pickled Penis(NSFW)

A woman and her husband were experiencing marital problems, to the point where they were no longer having sex. After visiting several counselors the problems were not resolved. The woman grew desperate, and was afraid to ask her husband for sex. In her desperation she visited a Gypsy, and explained ...

An eye is going to anger management

The counselor asks the eye “why are you currently in anger management?” To which the eye responds “Eyelash out at people when I get angry and I can’t stop.”

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When Jared from subway was a kid (long)

He was a larger boy, all of the schoolchildren would call him names. Jared would get mad but didnt know what to. This goes on for some time until Jared went to his school counselor. His couseler asks what the problem is. Jared explains how all the schoolchildren can not see past his weight and accep...

Math Joke

23. There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They went to
see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
 He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty.  He put each man in a room
with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.  He ...

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Marriage counseling

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor. They tell the counselor that they just can't seem to get things working. Constant fights, etc. etc.

The counselor says, "Sometimes a good way to understand where the issues are is to take turns doing a little role-playing with me here in the offi...

Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....

He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.

She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."

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Freudian slip

A couple goes to therapy to try and solve some problems in their marriage.

The counselor says that maybe by recounting their morning routine, they can find some unconscious signs revealing deep-set issues.

The husband responds,

"Well, this morning, something peculiar happened....

Immaturity defined

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

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A husband and wife go to counseling...

A husband and wife visit their counselor for the first time. When they arrive, the counselor decides it would be best to meet with each them one at a time, alone. He starts with the husband.

"Tell me about yourself." The counselor says.

"Well I think of myself as a man who is close to...

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A man discovers some weird fuchsia spots on his penis

after returning from a pleasure trip to Xinjiang. So he sees his doctor, who has no clue what it is and sends the guy to his medical school mentor. The old mentor pages through some of his dusty books and finally identifies the disorder as a rare, China-specific venereal disease, the only cure for w...

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Throwback Joke: Liver and Cheese

Some backstory, there was a tornado at boy scout camp one summer and we were assembled in the valley in an attempt to stay safe and the counselor told us that he would laugh at any joke we told. So I told this one:
"Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, ...

Microsoft-Lover

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers.

The first woman says, “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He l...

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