A boy goes to his School Career Advisor to talk about what he should do after school.

The Advisor says to him, do you have any particular interests or talents? The boy says, I really love stamps, studying them, collecting them, everything about them. The Career Advisor shakes his head and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but philately will get you nowhere.

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A peasant was hired to be the king's personal masterbator and advisor

He became the king's right hand man

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

My financial advisor asked me "What's your net worth?"

I said "I don't own a net".

What's the difference between rednecks and a political advisor?

Some hicks got the president into the White House, and another Hicks got him out.

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

Kim Jong Un proudly tells his advisors:“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
<...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

Two financial advisors are in a bank when armed robbers burst in...

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other proceeds to take the wallets, cell phones, watches, and other valuables from the customers.

In the midst of the chaos, the first advisor jams something into his friend’s hand. Without looking down, the second advisor says, "...

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

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Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

Just had an email from Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD.

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I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor

He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it"

Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.

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I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

Donald Trump was sitting in his office, when suddenly, his Chief Political Advisor burst through the door.

CPA: "Terrible news, sir. Three Brazilian men were killed outside of an embassy in Rio."

Trump: "That is terrible news. We must act immediately. But first, tell me again, how many is a Brazilian?"

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

I was a financial advisor in the army...

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, “sorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the b...

Trump talking to his advisor...

**Trump** The lesser the immigrants we have, the better

**Advisor** You mean fewer…

**Trump** Ssshhh! Don't call me that in public yet!

Trip advisor

When you think about it, 'Hotel California' is just a bad 'Trip Advisor' review with a three minute guitar solo.

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Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?"

"Hail, Hitler"

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

I've just fallen over on the pavement.

I've left a review on Trip Advisor.

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

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Once upon a time in a kingdom

Once upon a time in a kingdom, there lived a queen who was a tramp(had multiple sexual partners all the time). The king was frustrated by this but couldn't do anything because she was extremely beautiful. One day the king had to leave for war but he knew that his wife would have sex with a lot of me...

I’ve just been on Trip Advisor.

Nothing about how to deal with a cut knee.

I was just on Trip Advisor and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!

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Hey Lou, what's going on?

Trump: "I'm sorry you have the wrong number. Who is this?"

Biden: "It's Joe! What's up Lou?"

Trump: "Joe!?" (Covers phone; turns to advisors) "Sleepy Joe called here, calling me Lou!"*everyone giggles in back ground*

Trump: "Shhhh! Wait wait, quiet! Yeah Joe! Sure, I'm Lou!"*Tru...

Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.

PENNY-WISE

A graduate student submits his thesis to his advisor...

A few days later, the advisor returns in with a single note: Needs Improvement.

So the student makes a few changes and resubmits it. Again, the advisor returns it with the single note: Needs Improvement.

This time, the student pores over it, double checks every word, adds every referen...

A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Charlie Brown, now a young adult, sits with an academic advisor before enrolling in college....

He tells her he wants to be a counselor, but isn't sure what direction to go.

She looks over his scores as says, "I think you'd make a good grief counselor."

I kept falling over but didn’t know what to do. My friend told me to look on...

Trip Advisor

Did you hear Trump's children will be outside security advisors?

Trump Don-un and Trump Don-il will serve our country well.

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Just realised why careers advisors are shit

they couldn't even pick their own career

Careers Advisor to American student: "What do you want to be when you leave college?"

Student: "Alive".

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

If I was Genghis Khan's personal advisor

Every time he had a moment of self doubt, I'd remind him he is Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan't.

Having a sit down with my advisor

I'm due to graduate from college with Classics and Architecture majors soon, so I had a meeting with my professor.

We sat down and started to look at my grades. All A's and B's down the list until we hit the class I'd taken 3 times.

"What happened with Greek Myths? Was it the profess...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Thanos X John Wick

Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

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I'm majoring in reverse psychology...

... and I ask my advisor if I should take on a second major in reverse engineering. She says

"I don't know about that, sounds pretty difficult."

I think for a second and decide, "I'll do it!"

She shrugs and says, "Alright, don't say I didn't warn you." With that, she opens...

Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care.

So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies:

“Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”

Kim Jung Un: Pshhhhh. Walking on the moon? I can walk on the sun!

Kin Jung Un’s Advisor: Uh...Um....Mr-Mr Chairman? The sun is too hot you cannot go walk on the sun


Kim Jung Un: Then I’ll go at night!!


Trump watching this on Tv: He is such an idiot. There is no sun at night!

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

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George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frown...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

Take care while walking on uneven pavements.

For more information- see trip advisor.

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Cockpit duties...

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he...

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in th...

The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

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I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers

I want to name it "Strip Advisor"

Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

Donald Trump was greeted with a naked picture of Kim Jong Un in today's meeting

Kim thought his advisors told him to interfere with US erections.

One Day at Work...

...a man hears a Ghostly Voice speak to him: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas..."

Figuring he was just sleep deprived, he ignored the Voice, but the next morning, he heard the same voice: "Quit your job, sell your car, sell your house, clear out y...

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The bastard frog love child of Mick Jagger

On a wild drunken night after one of his gigs, Mick Jagger gets involved in a really kinky and depraved orgy. Amongst the participants that crazy night was a party loving groupie frog called Freya.
A couple of months later, Freya noticed that one of her new little tadpoles was quite different t...

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Nine months into his presidency...

Nine months into his presidency Donald Trump asked his advisors to poll the American people to find out what they thought America would be like by the next election.

After a few weeks fact finding the advisors returned with an answer. They said “Mr President, there are two prevailing views t...

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Tekumba

A proper Englishman was being guided through a tribal area in southern Africa when suddenly a war party captures the Englishman and the guide. They are brought to the king of the tribe for trial to see what to do with them. The king decides that they can either choose to be given tekumba as a punish...

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The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

Donald trump was spotted picking up rocks on the White House lawn...

He would walk a few feet, bend over and pick up a rock. His refusal to talk to anyone worried his aides, and they ran around trying to find out what was going on. The doctors couldn't make sense of it, the secret service didn't understand and even his most trusted advisors couldn't get through to hi...

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

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Once lived a king and a queen...

They lived happily together, nothing bad. But one day, one of the King's advisors notified him that the guards were secretly fucking the queen. Furious, he placed a small guillotine right in right of the queen's vagina. He traveled off for 3 weeks, when upon returning, he saw that all the guards had...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

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The king of england had a beautiful wife..

The king of England had a beautiful wife who he loved, but the king was needed to command his armies in a far away land. The king knew that he would be gone for months and did not trust any of the men around not to have sex with his wife. The king ordered Tybalt to meet with him.

"Tybalt, you...

During the Bush administration...

G. W. was sitting in his office when one of his advisors approached him and said, "Mr. President, three Brazilian citizens were killed today."

G. W. gives him a pained look and replies, "Oh my God! How many millions is that?"

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its mes...

Russian Elections

[Best said with a horrible Russian Accent - Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red Heat bad.]

So after the last Russian Election, Putin's campaign advisor came up to him:

CA- Comrade Putin (you know that's how he's addressed in private) I have good news and bad news.

Putin- Give me the...

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you ...

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A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want ...

What do you call an expert in psychedelics?

A trip advisor.

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The State of Affairs in Australian Politics

>Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

>>"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

>>Abbott then asked, "But how do I k...

Big Chief No Fart

In an ancient Indian village lived a mighty old chief. He was a gigantic man, known everywhere for his lack of the ability to fart. One day this chief rounded up all of his advisors to discuss the matter. At the meeting, one of the elder advisors said he had heard of a great medicine man who lived m...

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

There once was a powerful king.

There once was a powerful king who wanted to hire a different court jester for each month of the year. His financial advisor said that it would be best to only get 11 jesters, and simply have one repeat months. The king agreed and 11 court jesters were hired.

Months roll by and everything is...

So I'm thinking about taking PSY 312 (reverse psychology) next semester...

My advisors said I shouldn't, but I think I'm going to now

The Rabbit's Thesis

Story :

Scene: It's a fine, sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit:"My thesis."

Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit:"Oh, I'm wri...

My Car Won't Drive At Night

The service department of a BMW dealership took a call. The customer stated that his car, a 380i, will not drive at night.

The advisor, flummoxed at this, asks for more detail.

"You see," the owner replies, "when it is daytime, I put the car in 'D' and it drives like a dream."

"...

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