UPJOKE
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Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day...

The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

A congressional aide asks the politician, “What should we do about this abortion bill?”

Politician: Shh. Just pay it.

A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over.

Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

An old man is put into a nursing home by his daughter...

He sits in the common lounge room and leans to the left.

A nurse aide runs over and stops him from falling from his chair and straitens him up.

A few minutes later He starts leaning to the right - but again a nurse aide runs over and straitens him up.

Later, his daughter calls i...

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

New hearing aide

A friend of mine got new a hearing aid and he was ecstatic over how much better he could hear.

"It's like night and day", he said. "I can't believe all the sounds I was missing"

I asked, "What kind is it?"

He answered "about a quarter to four"

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

Partied so hard last night I spilled Kool-Aide on my cocaine

Punchline

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