Remains Jokes - 42 Hilarious Remains Jokes

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well.

It's an original idea, isn't it?

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

It remains a puzzle...

...why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

Mayweather remains unbeaten

Unlike his ex-girlfriends.

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage.

It's bread in captivity.

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

Why were Gandhi's remains compressed to make piles of 50 rupee coins?

he said "be the change you wish to see in the world".

It’s almost 2020, and a question remains unanswered since Michael Jackson’s death...

Is whether Annie are you ok?

Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.

Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends,”Guys, call me an ambulance!”

So Rory’s friends started dancing around him singing,”Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!”

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What's Trump's childhood fear that still remains true to this day?

He was always afraid of the dark.

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

Welcome to Skagway where the population always remains the same.

Every time a child is born, a man leaves town.

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

The other day I saw a documentary of hyenas eating the remains of a dead lion

I guess they just ate what was lion around.

Archaeologists discover the remains of a slave-worker under famous statue in Giza

Reports claim he died of Asphinxiation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

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