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Cemetary Jokes

My buddy works at a Restaurant that's in a cemetary

He says it's always dead there

GPS to Cemetary

Never Use GPS to go to a Cemetery!


Not nice to hear "You have reached your destination"

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

Saw a guy getting laid in a cemetary last weekend.

Figured i had nothing to lose so i yelled out "hey, mind if i have a turn?"
" go dig up your own!" He replied.

A car rolls up to the cemetary and the pallbearers unload the coffin.

Resting on top of the coffin is a set of golf clubs. An onlooker remarks to his companion, "He must have been quite the golfer."

"Oh he still is. Once he gets his brother in the ground, he'll still have time for a quick nine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

Two pizzas see each other in a cemetary

One asks "Family?" The other says "No, medium."

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

Girls night out

Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses the...

Dead funny

Late one night Jack takes a shortcut through the cemetary. Hearing a tapping sound, he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits.
Then he notices a man chiseling a tombstone.
"Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man.
"You gave me a ...

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[NSFW] The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.

The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.

"She prays...

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NSFW I came close to death today!

Yeah..............I was masturbating in the cemetary again.

My husband dies and i want a funeral

So i go to the nearest cemetary and discuss the arrangements, i remember that my husband wabted to be burried in a fine black suit. So i give the clerk 100$ to go get a nice black suit for the funeral.

The funeral happens and he is burried in a extraordinary black suit. I ask the clerk how he...

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A man gets on the bus and the only seat available is up front next to a beautiful nun

He tries starting small talk but she isn't interested in the slightest, and a few stops later she gets off. The bus driver, having watched all this, feels sorry for the young man. "hey pal, don't sweat it. She gets on this bus every Tuesday to go to the market and every time there's a young guy like...

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

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One day, a hippie gets on a bus...

He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns too the nun and says, ''Will you have sex with me?'' Surprised by the question, the Noun answers,''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.

After she gets off the bus the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I over heard your conversatio...

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True story at a funeral. This is a story rather than a joke, but there's a funny part.

This probably belongs in r/funny but I'm posting it here because in my reddit experience, those folks have a very narrow sense of humor (Leno/Foxworthy type stuff) - and I wanted to give a bit of a laugh to people.

I also apologize to more sensitive readers because this is a story relating to...

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