What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

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Why should you never put a watch on a stiff dick?

It’ll give a you a hard time

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

A stiff, and swollen upper lip

A british man staggers into a hospital in atlanta, badly beaten and bruised. 'Can someone help me?' he moans, before collapsing in a dead faint. When he comes to,several hours later a doctor and police officer are at his bedside, looking at him anxiously.

'Who did this to you sir?' asks the o...

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out...

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

What do a bunch of celebrity nudes have in common with a stiff breeze?

They both can cause reddit's servers to crash.

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:

​

Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a mi...

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

What are the similarities and differences between a coffin and a condom?

They both hold a stiff.

One is for coming one is for going.

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

Husband and wife

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last"........

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[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

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When you're afraid and you get a boner, I guess you could say you're..

Scared stiff

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Me and my family are worried about my grandad's addiction to Viagra

If he goes on like this, he'll be stiff in more ways then one

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I took a viagra

And it got caught in my throat now I have a stiff neck.

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

Did you hear about the baby who died ...

from drinking a bottle of glue?


He was a little stiff.

My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”

I said, “No.”

After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”

She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”

I said, “No, but ...

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It sucks to be a dick

You have a head you cant turn, an eye you cant see out of, you always get a stiff neck, your roommates are nuts, your best friends a pussy and your closest neighbor is a real asshole

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking horse stand...

I told my wife I wanted her to wear an old- fashioned Halloween costume this year

She filled herself up with whiskey, bitters, and sugar, and topped herself off with an orange slice and cherry.

I ended up going as the "stiff" part of our couples' costume.

Little Johnny....

Little Johnny comes home from school one afternoon, only to find his pet rooster lying dead on his front yard .... legs stiff, pointed straight in the air.
Little Johnny RUNS in the house to his dad. “Daddy, daddy !!! Why is our pet rooster lying in the front yard flat on its back with its legs...

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

A perk of a career at the morgue is you always get the coroner office.

The only downside is the stiff competition.

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Confucius say...

Man who goes to bed with stiff problem wakes up with solution in hand

What does a condom and a coffin have in common?

They both hold stiffs.

&#x200B;

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Confucius says... (maybe slightly nsfw)

...man who take woman camping have one in-tent.

...man who puts rooster in freezer gets stiff cock.

...man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

...man who makes love to exhaust pipe have hot rod.

My dad and brothers(and uncles) are to blame for most of these horrib...

Entered an erection tournament the other day

the competition was stiff

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Why do the British give terrible blow jobs?

The stiff upper lip.

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

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They have liquid Viagra now

You can pour yourself a stiff one.

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What happens in Vegas...

A perpetual gambler had a rare turn of luck and hit a 500k jackpot. The casino, determined to get their money back, comped him one of their best luxury suites. Lonely, he was seeking some lady company for the evening. He called down to the concierge’s desk and requested the best looking call girl in...

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the...

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What is a similarity between heaven...

... and a vagina?

You have to be stiff to get in.

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. “It was awful,” the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. “All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.”
“That sounds awful,” the wife consoles.
“You’re telling me,” he replies after a sip, “I had to k...

Why is a dead dwarf like a small erection?

Because both are a little stiff.

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the ...

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...

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A blonde and her guide returned from an overnight hike

The blonde went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a stiff drink.

"You look frazzled," the bartender said. "Tough time on the hike?"

"TERRIBLE," she said after downing the drink. "The walking was hard, the weather was bad, and my guide almost died!"

"Really? What happened?" <...

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."
No, i...

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My doctor just wrote me a prescription for liquid viagra.

Looking forward to pouring myself a stiff one.

#IllShowMyselfOut.

I’ll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

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Did you hear about the group lobbying against Viagra?

They were met with stiff resistance.

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