“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

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What's stiff and full of semen!

A dead hooker.

When I was a young man, I woke up stiff in the morning

Now I just wake up stiff in the morning.

What’s the best way to get water from a stiff tap?

Faucet

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

A before Viagara Joke

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets...

This is a bit of a stiff one...

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag ...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

So I was feeling a little stiff the other day...

until the mortician told me to get away from the little person cadaver.

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Son: My teacher says, "Father is the pillar of the family". Then what's mom?

Dad: She makes the pillar stiff, strong, and worthwhile to raise a family.

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

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Why should you never put a watch on a stiff dick?

It’ll give a you a hard time

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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

I'm now doing a report on the erectile dysfunction medicine market.

From what I've gathered, there's stiff competiton.

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I was going to start my own Viagra company..

Turns out, it's a pretty stiff market

What's the main similarity between a morgue and an office complex?

Both are good places for a stiff to go.

A cop saw a car weaving all ov

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She b...

What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

Vomit 😝

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

The Neighbour's Rabbit

So I woke up this morning to see my dog laying down in the back, covered in dirt, with a rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit's not bloody eh, just dirty. My neighbor's child has two rabbits, so immediately I knew it was one of his. So I took the rabbit from my dog, ran inside, and washed all the dirt o...

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

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The latest product out is Viagra-infused whisky.

It's for people that need a stiff drink.

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

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I got a viagra pill stuck in my throat

Had a stiff neck for days

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

I have a dyslexia fetish

It makes my spine stiff

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

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NASCAR drivers are now taking Viagra to lower their blood pressure and give them an edge during stressful races.

There has been some really stiff competition lately!

You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

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I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

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I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

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All aboard the man train

One day, a group of 4 male villagers dressed in loincloth were wandering in the woods. One of them was carrying an empty can.

They soon came across a shallow river full of genital-eating fish. One of them asked how they can cross to the other side of the river safely and have their penises i...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

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Some robbers stole a bunch of boxes of viagra.

If you take my opinion they are hardened criminals who deserve a stiff sentencing and should be put in the newly erected jail, with Jailers who are complete dicks.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”

I said, “No.”

After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”

She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”

I said, “No, but ...

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

The bartender pours the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. He slams the glass on the bar and says "Pour me another!"

The bartender says, "Woah, man. That's a pretty stiff drink I just gave you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

The man says, "Well, I came home from work toda...

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I was watching a porno the other day that had a really dull storyline...

I was bored stiff.

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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I used to be one of the best fluffers in porno, but eventually, I had to step down.

The competition was too stiff.

Husband and wife

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last"........

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