“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

I woke up with my back stiff as a board

It's morning wood

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm

Grandpa said, "Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $1...

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

This is a bit of a stiff one...

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag ...

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The latest product out is Viagra-infused whisky.

It's for people that need a stiff drink.

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

So I was feeling a little stiff the other day...

until the mortician told me to get away from the little person cadaver.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

I have a dyslexia fetish

It makes my spine stiff

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I took a viagra earlier today.

It got stuck in my throat and I’ve had a stiff neck ever since.

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NASCAR drivers are now taking Viagra to lower their blood pressure and give them an edge during stressful races.

There has been some really stiff competition lately!

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Why should you never put a watch on a stiff dick?

It’ll give a you a hard time

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Walking a trail, I hear the tell-tale sound of a rattlesnake, and stand stiff as I stare it down and remember the words of my old scout master, "Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."

Considering only one of us pissed themselves, I'd say he's wrong.

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Safari walk into a bar. Google Chrome asks for a stiff drink. Safari asks for a heavy drink...

Internet Explorer asks for a frozen drink.

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

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Saw an ad for a generic version of Viagra

But it will be facing some stiff competition

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I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

I beat off stiff competition

to claim world's best handjob

You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

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I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

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I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

What did the statue order from the bar

A stiff drink

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine

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Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

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What do a bunch of celebrity nudes have in common with a stiff breeze?

They both can cause reddit's servers to crash.

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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I was watching a porno the other day that had a really dull storyline...

I was bored stiff.

My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”

I said, “No.”

After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”

She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”

I said, “No, but ...

What's a zombies favorite drink

A stiff one

Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

The bartender pours the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. He slams the glass on the bar and says "Pour me another!"

The bartender says, "Woah, man. That's a pretty stiff drink I just gave you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

The man says, "Well, I came home from work toda...

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I used to be one of the best fluffers in porno, but eventually, I had to step down.

The competition was too stiff.

Highway 25

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies, The driver, an older gentleman, for only going 25 mph on the highway.

Officer: "Why are you driving so slowly?"

Gentleman: "Well the sign says 25, sir. I don't understand."

Officer: \*sigh\* "No, sir, that's the number of ...

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

Husband and wife

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last"........

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

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Did you hear about the new pill that's going up against Viagra?

The competition is stiff

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It sucks to be a dick

You have a head you cant turn, an eye you cant see out of, you always get a stiff neck, your roommates are nuts, your best friends a pussy and your closest neighbor is a real asshole

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Me and my family are worried about my grandad's addiction to Viagra

If he goes on like this, he'll be stiff in more ways then one

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you know when you’re old...

if your neck is more often stiff than your dick

Little Johnny....

Little Johnny comes home from school one afternoon, only to find his pet rooster lying dead on his front yard .... legs stiff, pointed straight in the air.
Little Johnny RUNS in the house to his dad. “Daddy, daddy !!! Why is our pet rooster lying in the front yard flat on its back with its legs...

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I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

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