UPJOKE
strongrigidinflexibletighttoughhardharshclaycorpseresolutefiercefirmformalsteadfastcadaver

Stiff Jokes

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps...

Treadmill sellers are stiff competitors.

They give you a run for your money.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out...
upvote downvote report

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.
upvote downvote report

This is a bit of a stiff one...

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body
Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry
And comes out wet
It comes out dripping
And starts to sag ...
upvote downvote report

I woke up with my back stiff as a board

It's morning wood
upvote downvote report

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm..

Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its little hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives th...
upvote downvote report

What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's stiff and full of semen!

A dead hooker.

What’s the best way to get water from a stiff tap?

Faucet
upvote downvote report

I beat off stiff competition

to claim world's best handjob
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

So I was feeling a little stiff the other day...

until the mortician told me to get away from the little person cadaver.
upvote downvote report

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and leave in the other, but you need to be stiff to go in both
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a Viagra stuck in my throat this morning.

I had a stiff neck all day.

Why is it hard for a man to break into the adult film industry?

There's a lot of stiff competition.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you never put a watch on a stiff dick?

It’ll give a you a hard time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.
upvote downvote report

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”
upvote downvote report

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...
upvote downvote report

I mowed the lawn with my shirt off, and now my back is stiff.

My wife told next time to mow with my pants off.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor, "what happens if you take viagra with a monster?"

He said "You get scared stiff."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job because the competition was stiff, and I just didn't measure up.

Porn is a hard job.

Name a body part that's long and stiff and uses the letters PENSI

A spine
upvote downvote report

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...
upvote downvote report

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!
upvote downvote report

A child comes back home from school and tells his dad he learnt a new joke in school.

Dad: Sure, tell me.

Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?

Dad:

Child:

Dad:

Child:

Dad: Is it a p-

The wife, who was listening from the other room comes running in screaming, "SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI"
upvote downvote report

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.
upvote downvote report

What do egg whites and my exboyfriend have in common.

They both get stiff when beaten.
upvote downvote report

My wife walked into the bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Rubbing her shoulder, she said, “I don’t think I slept right. My shoulder is stiff. Are you stiff?”

I said, “No.”

After a second or two I added, “This water is nice and hot, you should get in the shower.”

She asked, “Do you think it’ll help my shoulder?”

I said, “No, but ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they make Viagra in a liquid form now

That's good news because before it was a hard pill to swallow, but now I can enjoy a good stiff drink

Little Johnny and the worm

Little Johhny foud a worm annd tried to push it into a wormhole. As it kept bending, it wouldn’t go in. His grandpa was lookink on and said:” If you can get the worm into the hole, I’ll give you a dollar!”.
Little Johhny thought for a minute and ran tothe bathroom. He came back with a can of hair...
upvote downvote report

An American and an Englishman

On a train from London to Manchester an American was lecturing the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you’re too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the ...
upvote downvote report

Man goes to meet his drug dealer,

He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"
upvote downvote report

NSFW - At what point does CPR become necrophillia?

When you both become stiff.
upvote downvote report

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information