Bones Jokes - 48 Hilarious Bones Jokes

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body…

… now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

Recently NASA found bones on the dark side of the moon.

Turns out, the cow never made it.

The Italian mobster Johnny Bones killed a cow.

He killed the cow in a rice field with two porcelain garden gnomes.
Local news headline- "First Known Case of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack"

They call grandma "that old bag-of-bones"

If she knew that would happen, she would've chosen cremation.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

I think after 9 years of dating and jokes, I've worn down all my girlfriend's funny bones.

She's got that funny arthritis now.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Why are bones so heavy?

they weigh a skele-ton.

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not Worth His Time. [long]

An insurance tycoon is on his deathbed in a vast lavish mansion. His final minutes tick by. His wife and children work away on funeral arrangements in the next room and speculate about their inheritance. His only company is a Young Attorney.

He struggles to wheeze out some final words to the ...

Bones always make me laugh.

They're just so humerus!

^^I'll ^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^^out

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.

Damn it, guys, stop the sticks and stones fight I have brittle bone disease...

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

I couldn't come up with a good pun about bones.

Maybe I'll come up with one Tomarrow.

What does the chemist's dog do to bones?

Barium.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

I Broke 12 Bones By the Time I Was 8

They were all my sister's, and she cried a lot.

How much does a skeleton love his bones?

A skeleTON

(My 7 year old insist I post this, be gentle...)

"Bones?" I said. "Is that you?"

"In the flesh", it replied.

What if dinosaur bones were only found on Earth...

Because aliens used this planet as a pet cemetery?

What do bovines need to help their bones grow?

Cow-cium

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few d...

What do you call 2000 pounds of bones?

A skele-ton.

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