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Complains Jokes

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

A wife complains to her husband.

\-You don't love me anymore! Once, you used to spend the whole evening sitting with me on the sofa, holding my hands. How long has it been since you've done it last?

\- Darling, it's not that I don't love you anymore. It's just that there is no need for that ever since we sold the piano.

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

Just because nobody complains

Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

My wife complains that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my bags and right

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complains to her BFF.

\- I simply don't know what to do. All my husband talks about is his Mom. It's always "Mom is a better cook", "Mom is better at cleaning", "Mom this", "Mom that"... never pays any attention to me.

\- Don't worry, that's no problem, - the friend reassures her. - You simply need to draw his att...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

A women in a grocery shop complains to the owner:

\- What's that supposed to mean? I bought three kilos of peaches! I paid in advance! I sent my kiddo to get them, he brought it, I weighed, and there were only two kilos!

\- Ma'am, did you weigh the kiddo?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife complains about everything

Even when I give her cunilingus, all she can do is moan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A construction worker goes to a doctor and complains about being constipated

The doctor examines him and asks about his life, work, the usual. Then he examines the body parts in question and nods. "Please bend over and brace yourself." The worker, slightly confused, does as he is told. So the doctor grabs a plank and smacks the worker hard on the ass. After worker collects h...

My uncle sings the praises of some large African mammals but complains non-stop about others.

He’s very hippocritical.

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...

... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.

The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by waf...

A man goes to the doctor and complains,

"Doc I have a problem, my wife is cheating on me, but I'm not growing any horns!"

The doctor, amused, explains to him that the whole cheating and horns thing is only a metaphor.

The man breaths in relief.

"Thank god! I thought I was low on Calcium!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coworker comes into my office complaining about life…

He says more money will free him up to do more things.

I told my coworker, it’s all relative. My friend has reached a point in his life where he gets to…

work out 7 days a week.
Read more books than he’s ever thought of.
Only does volunteer work.
Has 3 meals prepped for him d...

A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands

"I have so many blisters from using this broom" says the wife
"well maybe use the car next time" the husband replies.

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea.” the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something.

If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing....

My roommate always complains about two of my weaknesses.

One was : 'You always get distracted sooooo easily!'

And the other one was the fact that there's a cute little spider on the ceiling.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complains about her Husband

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

Boy complains to his father

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend complains that I take too long during sex...

But I think its better to Ejaculate than ejacunever!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

One Cuban woman complains to another:

He was such a liar! He said he was a waiter at a resort...turns out he’s nothing more than a neurosurgeon.

I like the smell of my wife whenever she complains about justifiable points.

I think it's something to do with her fairer moans.

A foolish man complains about his torn pockets

A wise man uses them to scratch his balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

Debra complains to the club manager.

Debra complains to the club manager, ''I got stung by a bee on your golf course!''
"Where?," he inquires.
''Between the first and second hole,'' she replies.

''Oh, your stance is too wide.''

Have you heard of that rapper who always complains about being single on Reddit?

I think his name was... Post-Alone?

My wife complains that I'm too literal

So we went to see a marriage counselor and she asked, "so what brings you here today?"


I said, "my truck"

My wife always complains about not seeing the kids

I knew marrying a blind woman was a bad idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

Man takes his wife golfing

An old man goes golfing every weekend. His wife always complains about his going and leaving her alone. So one weekend he says “Why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you how to play.” She agrees and on the first hole, a par 4 with a dog leg, she asks “ok, what do I do?” He says “you see that fla...

A wife complains to her husband...

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”

“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

A man goes to a doctor and complains "Every time i walk, i can't stop farting."

The doctor tells him to walk a few steps. He does, farting. The doctor tells him to walk slow. He does, still farting. After 5 minutes of walking and farting, the doctor walks out and returns with a long, hooked pole. "What the hell are you gonna do with that?!?" yells the patient." The doctor repl...

Everybody complains about the weather . . .

but nobody does anything about it except the CIA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and complains, that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him anymore.

The next day, the doctor calls her in to hear her story. She explains: You know, our car was stolen 7 months ago. My husband cannot afford a new one, so I need to take the taxi every day. But as I don't have any money, the taxi driver always asks: “So are you going to pay today finally or what?“ So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman complains to her mother

“I just can’t take it anymore, I wanna divorce Steve!”, she exclaims.

“What’s wrong my dear?”, asks her mom.

“All he wants to do is anal, my anus was the size of a dime when I got married and now it’s as big as a friggin quarter!” she cries.

“Well, my dear”, says the mom, “you d...

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