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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.

Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?

Genie: Sue me.

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What do you call a girl who lets you touch her breasts then sues you after?

A booby trap

I showed my lawyer my ripped up bag and asked if I could sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the e...

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Donald Trump sues male enhancement company viagra

Trump claims he received a rigged erection

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A Genie grants a person 3 wishes

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

You cannot sue a Slipper making company for an accident.

Apparently 'slipper' isn't a noun, but an adjective in this case.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A Sue Chef.

Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.

The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what yo...

My neighbour.

Threw a pot of white and black paint over my lawn.

I tried to sue, but my local law office don’t deal with grey areas.

God and the devil were in a dispute over a broken fence.

God said you have to pay for half.

The devil said "not paying"

God said "you have to, or I'll sue!"

The devil laughed and said "where are you gonna get a lawyer?

If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount

Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.

If being spineless is a crime, sue me!

I think, I'll just plead guilty.

*On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.*

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

I was about to sue my neurosurgeon , but...

He changed my mind.

A woman sues a man for defamation of character...

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages.

After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says,“That is correct.”

“And does it m...

How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three.

One to climb the ladder, another one to shake it, and a third one to sue the manufacturer of the ladder.

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Judge- “Mickey Mouse, you want to sue Minnie because she is extremely silly?”

Mickey-“I didn’t say she was extremely silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!”

Why did the karate kid sue Mr Miyagi?

For watching him while he wax off.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

Why did the atheist sue God?

He knew he'd never see him in court.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

Someone tried to sue me over my bottomless pit

But there weren’t any grounds

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Letter from Ma

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I was shocked when my wife tried to sue me for impotence.

But thankfully, they couldn’t make it stand up in court.

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Why did the amputee have to sue to walk into the bar?

The owner was lack-toes-intolerant.

This joke was brought to you by literally every other post in r/boneappletea.

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

A child mathematic walks into a bar

He asks for a root beer in a square cup. He later Sue's the bar for serving alcohol to a child

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Mrs. Sue, a teacher, is about to start her first class for the year when she notices quite a few empty chairs

She decides to start class when suddenly a boy walks in.

Mrs. Sue: You’re late. What is your name, and where have you been?

Billy: Sorry Mrs. Sue. I’m Billy, and I was on top of Cherry Hill.

Mrs. Sue dismissed him to sit down.

A few minutes later another boy walks in.
...

I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn’t work

But the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

I tried to sue the Devil for cruel and unusual punishment

but I lost because, naturally, he had access to the best lawyers in the world.

Why did Papa John sue Papa John's?

He kneaded the dough.

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me

because I just had an allergic reaction.

Fine Bros can't sue metal beams,

Because they don't react to jet fuel.

3 men walk into a bar. The first one gets naked and sells his clothes. The second one punches himself with a chair and sues the barman. The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward. Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer

My friend had his bags stolen on his flight

he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!

There once was a lady named Sue...

There once was a lady named Sue

She didn't have much to do

So she pulled out the vacuum

and went to the bathroom

And found a new way to go poo

**I just want to say this is not a repost. I wrote this Limerick, with the exception of the first two lines.*

I was going to sue U2 for stealing one of my songs

But I found out my lawyer was pro-bono.

Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab?

Because life isn't fare.

I'm going to have to sue the zoo...

... I visited the apiary and there weren't any monkeys at all, just a stupid bunch of bees.

I never really met my neighbors until they tried to sue me over the ownership of some property.

Turns out we had a lot in common.

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I went to my WIFES doctor and told him I was going to sue him.

When he asked why I explained that ever since my wife left his care she hasn’t been sexually interested in me.

The doctor said all he done was cataract surgery and now she can see.

Never try to sue an origami

This action will eventually fold back on you

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

A lawyer approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven

“I’m only 45 years old! Why is it already my time to depart? Send me back to Earth right now or I’ll sue you!” he angrily snapped to the gatekeeper.

“Based to the records of your billable hours, Mr. Lawyer, you’re 98 years old.”, replied the gatekeeper.

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

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A patient wakes up after surgery.

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake and amputated your penis.

"That imbacile did what? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns.

"Miss, please calm down."

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Jack and Sue

The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue. They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.

The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.

Sue, who always comes...

Why Engineers go to Heaven

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell.  Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked...

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

A sinful engineer dies and goes to hell

The first thing he notices is how hot it is, so he builds an air conditioner. He then proceeded to build more and more over time and thanks to this engineer, Hell is completely air conditioned and has a booming economy in a few years. One day, God decides to check on Hell and is baffled at how much ...

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Her Him

Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue. 

Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick


Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave?

Him: You ask nicely.


I heard this today!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

Mary and Sue are discussing good-looking boys in their high school.

Mary asks "Have you seen that new Mexican kid Amal Garcia?"


"Garcia?" Sue responds. "No, but I think I've seen his brother Juan"

Mary replies "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That’s not funny. I’m going to sue!


(I got this from an Apples to Apples card)

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

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