I really resent gravity

It's held me down my whole life.

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Guy sitting in a bar notices a sign on the wall that says, "Lawyers are assholes".

"Hey, I resent that!"


"Why? You a lawyer?"


"No, I’m an asshole."

My teenage son told me I am a resentful has-been. We had a good, hearty laugh together about that.

Then i changed the WIFI password

I was taught to forgive but never forget

So now I walk around full of resentment and suspicion but don't remember why.





I think I'm doing it wrong.

Confession booth

A man sat in the confession booth in church and said : “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !”
“What have you done my son ?” The priest asked.
“I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Kim...”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the pr...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with ...

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A cocky young fellow walks into a quiet neighborhood pub on a rainy night...

and takes a seat next to an old man at the bar, who's by himself. "How's the field in here, grandpa?" he says, half joking.

"Sonnn, yerr waaastin' yerr time if ya think yyerrr goin' home with one'a these gooooody two-shoes!" the old man replies. He's getting drunk by the looks of it. ...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

Little Known Story About Mr. and Mrs. Claus

Many years ago, Mrs. Claus had a love affair with Poseidon, God of The Sea. This affair lasted a long time and eventually led to a love child, which turned out to be a piece of sentient coral. Santa Claus found out about this child and was furious. Mrs. Claus decided to disown the child, and shamefu...

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A frustrated man who's being sued goes to the bar...

He walks in, and amidst his frustration, he exclaims, "Lawyers are such assholes!"

Another person shouts out, "Hey! I resent that statement!"

The man responds, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy says, "No! I'm an asshole!"

A joke my art teacher told me

This is a long one, and a groaner, but it's worth it.
There once was this town that was known for it's flowers. There were three florists who would make the best flower arrangements people had ever seen, and the town received many awards for them. The three florists enjoyed the competition, and d...

The Fruit Revolution

So humanity progresses enough in technology to create super genetically modified fruit. These fruit are ten times larger than their natural counterparts and contain fifty times the nutrition. Obviously, this becomes a great success and scientists continue to make and improve the genetically modified...

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The Tortured Life of a Tractor Enthusiast (Very Shaggy Dog Joke!)

So there was this guy Dave, and Dave had always loved tractors despite being a city boy. Ever since he had been 5 years old he had wanted to own one in particular, a massive green John Deere with yellow wheels. For his tenth birthday his parents brought him a poster of this tractor and Dave worship...

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