Lament Jokes - 72 Hilarious Lament Jokes

A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering

Famer: raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes

Farmer: what?

Necromancer: what?

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

Two cavemen are lamenting their situation in a cave. One tells the other the following:

*"Something's just not right. Our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organic and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty."*

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Afghan Lament

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit at a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there and the nervous Sergeant replied, "Sir, as you know, there a...

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The plumbers lament

My Grandpa told me this one & is by far a favorite:
There once was a man named Harry Dick,
Who was cursed at birth with a corkscrewed prick,
He searched his life in a futile hunt,
To find a girl with a corkscrewed cunt, The day he found he drop stone cold dead,
God damn thing ...

A racist man laments...

If people gave him $1 for every racist thing he said or done he'd be able to make a small contribution of 1 million dollars to Donald Trump's campaign.

Rick Astley's releasing a new song lamenting the 'Brexit' result...

It's titled:

Never Gonna Give EU Up

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A strip club owner is lamenting about his dwindling business to his wife.

A strip club owner is eating breakfast with his wife. He begins to cry. "Honey, things are changing. Men just ain't spending money at titty bars like they used to."

"Oh that can't be." She responds. "There are some things men will always go to a strip club for."

"But honey, I've tried ...

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

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A woman out with her friend over a cup of coffee, lamented

that her bastard husband wanted her to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, hoping that she was good enough in bed to cover the months rent.
"You didn't do it really, honestly, did you?" asked her friend.
"Yup, I have to admit, I did it. But what I didn't d...

An archeologist walks into a bar

An archeologist walks into a bar, orders a beer and gives a heavy sigh. "What's wrong?" the bartender asks. "I thought I discovered a fully intact dinosaur skeleton at my dig yesterday," the archeologist laments. "Sadly, upon further excavation today it turns out that it was just a fossil arm."

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

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A Jew comes to his Rabbi

And said "Rabbi, hear my lament. I had a son, my only son, and he was a good son. Best student at the university. Was about to become a great doctor at Jerusalem hospital. What does this nudnik? Falls in love with a goy and converts to the Catholic faith! What should I do?"

Said the Rabbi "Oh...

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A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a...

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

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It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you...

What are you looking for in a woman?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "I just don't know what I'm looking for in a woman anymore," he laments to the bartender. "I suppose it's time I give up my practice as an OB-GYN."

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

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Ladies' Night

A neighborhood bar held a special "Ladies Night" for all the women in the neighborhood, offering them a chance to meet and talk and enjoy a few drinks.

One evening, after leaving the bar, two women decided to walk off their drinks. Their route home that night took them through a cemetery. As ...

limerick

there was a young lady from clyde

who ate a bad apple & died.

the apple fermented,

inside the lamented,

making cider inside her insides!

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

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A brothel opened on the 2nd floor...

Within a couple months the shop below it, on the 1rst floor, had to close.

When the shopkeeper was asked why he had to close up, he lamented that “there was too much fucking overhead”

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A man is praying to God

He laments "Lord! My dog died, my wife left me and my kids don't even want to speak to me, what gives? What did I do to deserve this?"

Suddenly a booming voice echoes from the Heavens. "I dunno George, something about you just pisses me off."

Calculus Joke

Two professors are at a restaurant, arguing about the state of education today. "Nobody learns calculus anymore," lamented the first. "That's not true," replied the second, "it's part of the freshman curriculum."

"Okay, I'll tell you what," offered the first professor, "we'll ask the waitre...

A bear walks into a bar

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The bear sighs and says "I'm just lamenting about the one that got away." The bartender questions further asking "Well what happened, did she move away, was it a wrong place wrong time kind of thing?" The bear replies "No no nothing like that... she was just t...

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A woman visits her hypnotherapist

A weeping woman visits her hypnotherapist and laments, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and slept with another man... The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

To which the hypnotherapist replies, "Jesus Ch...

This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...

Acronym

Based

Comedy

Doesn't

Ever

Feel

Good

Honestly,

I

Just

Keep

Lamenting

My

Negative

Opinion,

Perhaps

Questioning

Reality

Serves

The

U...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

CIA ro...

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An elderly man living alone in Sussex wanted to plant his annual tomato garden...

...but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and lamented his predicament:

*Dear Paul,*

*I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato gar...

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A male dumb blond joke.

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!" The...

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An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

A Taxing Poem

"Taxpayer's Lament"

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;

Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Ta...

This guy walks into a bar...

...bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. The place is mostly empty, just him at the bar, and he's been there a short while when in walks a gorgeous brunette. She looks around, not seeing him and then marches straight to the back of the joint and sits down at a corner table in the back with a cru...

Once upon a time, a fish decided to leave water.

Feeling ambitious, the fish swam up to the surface of the pond. It lamented on how its entire life was spent just in the tiny pond, unable to swim in any direction without hitting a wall for more than a minute. It believed there must be a larger pool of water somewhere, unexplored. It must leave its...

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An old man sits next to a young man at a bar...

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar and they get to talking.

The young fella is lamenting how he gets tounge-tied whenever he tries to talk to a pretty woman.

"I try to tell them that their face is pretty but instead, what comes out of my mouth is: your pace is fretty. ...

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one laments that the average person knows very little about math. The second one disagrees, and they argue over this point for a while.

The first mathematician eventually gets up to use the restroom. While he’s away, the second mathematician calls the waitress over and tells her tha...

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy la...

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God meets up with Adam

God asks Adam, "Where's Eve?" Adam says, "Oh, she's down swimming in the river." Shocked, God laments," Damn! Now all the fish are gonna smell like pussy!"

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

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A chicken farmer buys a new rooster. . .

And he's assured by his friend who sold it to him that he's the perfect breeder.
Feeling a little sceptical, the farmer still takes the rooster back to his farm. No sooner then putting the rooster is let out of his box then it runs into the barn and starts having sex with every hen it can find....

two farmers are talking

and one is lamenting to the other.

"man, I've got all these female cows and no male bulls to breed with them. It's gonna cost me a fortune to rent bulls!"

the other farmer responds, "don't sweat it joe, I've got tons of bulls so tomorrow, pack your cows up in your truck and drive them...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Two old farmers are talking.

"I've got this one bull with no stamina whatsoever. I can't get him to mate for nothing," one farmer lamented.

"I had the same problem with one of mine," said the other farmer. "I took him to animal doctor and got him some pills that worked like a charm. He took one and five minutes later wen...

A Saudi Arabian Oil Baron sends his son to study abroad...

To help his son in his life and studies abroad, he gives his son a good deal of money and more importantly, a Ferrari sportscar, as he though it might be a good idea to flaunt some wealth.

Despite this, a few weeks later his son calls him and laments “Dad, every time I go to lectures, I driv...

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

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Lazza The Greek

Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day - I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community, he said.

See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No!

Look at those ...

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

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So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette..

are having their usual lunch of PB&J sandwiches in their high school cafeteria one day, when the blonde speaks up "I can't stand it, every day for the last year our mothers only make PB&J and I'm sick of it!"
The other two girls agree they are tired of the same lunch, so the blonde comes ...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”

The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers...

you're all right

A friend of mine recently got into a really bad accident, they had to amputate his left arm and left leg. When I visited him in the hospital he was very upset, so I told him the important thing is you're all right. he looked me in the eyes, "how can I be all right" he lamented "when I have nothing l...

At the races

A Statistician, Engineer and Physicist go to the horse track.

Each have their system for betting on the winner and they're sure of it.

After the race is over, the Statistician wanders into the nearby bar, defeated. He notices the Engineer, sits down next to him, and begins lamentin...

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

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Two guys sitting in an airport lounge

The first guy laments how he totally embarrassed himself earlier that day. "I was flying into Pittsburgh and when I went to the ticket counter, I couldn't stop looking at the prodigious bosom of the ticket lady. What I meant to say was 'I need a ticket to Pittsburgh....what came out was 'I need a ti...

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

A German, an Italian and a Newfie are sitting on a steel girder...

...hundreds of feet above the ground, having lunch. The German opens up his lunch box and lets out a groan. "Mein Gott!" he says. "Not wiener schnitzel again! I'm so sick of wiener schnitzel, if I ever have to eat wiener schnitzel for lunch again I'm going to throw myself from this girder."

T...

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A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..

 

"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."

 

The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.

 

"You see, that ott...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

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The Embed

An embed journalist is taken out to a small army outpost a few miles out of a small village in the middle of the desert, to get a firsthand look at how the soldiers lived.

Upon arrival, he’s given a tour by the NCO. He’s shown the mess hall, the water hole, and his tent. Finally, the NCO lead...

Mick at the Sawmill

Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America.

One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the ...

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Stranded on a deserted island

A Catholic priest is stranded on a deserted island. A man happens to row by the island, and invites the priest to hop in. "Alas, for I cannot accept your charity. My God is kind, and He shall provide."

A few days later, another rowboat happens by, this time piloted by a very attractive woman....

[long] Another blond guy joke...

Three best friends worked in construction together on the same crew. They were working on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for their lunch break. They sat on the edge of the building, legs dangling over the edge, enjoying the view as they ate their lunches.
Guido opened his lunch ...

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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I ...

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The Devil caught a Pole, a German and a Russian.

One day the devil caught a Pole, a Russian and a German.

"*Do not even think about escaping.*" the Devil laughed at the poor men "*These cells are meant to keep the condemned! Nothing can leave them! Nothing can enter them! Nothing! Unless I say otherwise.*" he laughed devilishly "*But here...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

The Legionaire and the Camel

This guy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets sent to a fort way out in the desert, several miles from the nearest town. There are only men at the fort-- no women. After a few months our legionnaire becomes rather desperate for female companionship, so finally he approaches the crusty old sergea...

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