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Vulgar Jokes

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her...

So a woman walks into a pet store...

and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "...

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

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2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!
...

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

Why are pirates so vulgar?

The only movies they watch are rated "R".

What do you call it when a Bulgarian uses vulgar language?

A Bulgarity.

My brother just came back from Vietnam. I asked him how was it, and he said the country is vulgar.

Everywhere was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

A woman went to a pet shop..

..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
an...

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to ...

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A man is having vulgar aggressive sex with his woman...

She asks him: "Wo wo wo... honey... would you be a little bit more considerate and classy?"

Him: "Like how?"

Her: "Pretend you're at a classy dinner with classy friends..."

Him: "Sure, could you please pass me that tit?"

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

A man boards a plane and, to his surprise, finds the pope in the seat next to him...

Shortly after takeoff, the pope opens the newspaper and starts working on the crossword puzzle. Almost immediately the pope turns to the man and says, “Execuse me, do you know a four-letter word that ends in ‘unt’ and refers to a woman?”

Just one word leapt to mind, an extremely vulgar one. T...

Why do perverts pick Latin as their first foreign language?

It's vulgar.

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Almost...

The kindergarten teacher is warned about little Johnny’s vulgar mouth. He uses any excuse to say a bad word.

The teacher announces, “Class, today we are going to work on our alphabet. Who can spell a simple word that starts with ‘A’?”

Little Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Oh! Oh! Pick me...

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

An old lady gets on a bus

She sits across from these two foreign guys who are deep in conversation. She can't help but overhear one of them saying -

"Emma come first. Then I come. A-two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Two asses, then I pee pee. Then I come again."

The old lady is horrified, and sa...

Ugly baby

A woman gets on a train with her baby. After the train leaves the station a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead n his tracks, “Lady,”he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers...

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A lounge owner is looking for a new pianist...

A man comes in to audition for the owner. He asks, "Is it alright if I play an original piece?"

The owner says, "That's fine. Begin whenever you're ready."

The man plays a beautiful score. The owner is so moved and overcome with emotion he can barely contain himself. When the pianist f...

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

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A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants t...

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

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A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

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A Woman Buys a Parrot

A woman goes to the pet store, looking to buy a family pet. At first she’s looking at all the cats and dogs but notices a beautiful green parrot with a price tag of only $5.

“Excuse me,” she asks an employee, “why is this parrot so cheap? It’s beautiful!”

The employee replies telling ...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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One of the fairly ok jokes I know

So there's a radio station contest and you need to ring in with a made up word, the two criterion being: you need to be able to use it in a sentence and it needs to not be in the dictionary.

(RA - radio announcer, C - caller)


RA: Hello? We have our first caller on the line! Please ...

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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
S...

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Nun walks over to a construction site foreman

There was a construction site next to a convent. Mother superior walks over and asked to speak with the foreman. Mother superior told the foreman that the men have been talking extremely vulgar and the other nuns are hearing this type of language. The foreman replies by explaining to mother superior...

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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.

While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with co...

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

Not Murder

A man grew weary of dealing with the world so he created a clone of himself. But something went terribly wrong. The clone was crass, rude and extremely vulgar. He sent the clone of himself into the world anyway to do his work.

The clone return back to him in a few hours and the man was surpri...

A woman walks down the street

At the corner of the street is a three story white house with a large porch. A parrot sits in a cage on the porch by the screen door.
As the woman reaches the corner, she hears from the cage the parrot squawk "You're fat and you're ugly." The woman thinks nothing of it at first but again the parr...

Best asian joke

Im writing a speech for best friend's 21st

He is Asian

Points for immaturity and vulgarity

Must be short

HELP ME R/JOKES!!

Thanks!!

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The Pianist Joke

An unemployed pianist is searching for work when he stumbles upon a job advertisement at a bar that wants a pianist, so the man walks in, sits down on the stool and starts playing a beautiful melody on the piano. Alarmed, the bar manager runs out and says, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever he...

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Wedding night

Billy was a rich prince who had had many women before, but he wanted the perfect one for marriage, to extend his dynasty and satisfy his old grandma queen. He thought his future wife should be a perfect virgin of rare innocence, so he started an ''audition'', picking up girls in his Rolls Royce and ...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

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A Priest and a Nun go golfing...

...They reach the first teebox and decide the Nun shall go first. She sets up her ball and then proceeds to pray

"Oh Father, we thank for this wonderful game of golf and this beautifull day that we can come together and play golf for you glory. I ask for you blessing with this drive. Father,...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

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