TIL why Liberty Mutual's commercials are so bad

They only pay for what they need!

I should've realized that before just now...

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

What is mutual understanding

Wife: I love you

Husband: How much money do you need?


Husband: I love you

Wife:not now, Children are sleeping

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Mutual Masturbation

It's just beating around the bush

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

What's the difference between a rafting guide and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund eventually matures and starts making money

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There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

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What's the definition of Mutual Trust?

Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

When the sun sets every evening, Superman moves all his Bitcoin investments into a regular mutual fund.

He tries to protect himself from Crypto night.

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Two elderly widows were on a walk. Ethel said, "Well, Mabel, I've been reading these Cosmopolitan magazines at the doctor's office. But all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Did you hear about the guy and girl who mutually decided to break up because the guy had ED?

There were no hard feelings.

My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.

I said "so? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day"

He said "what? Was it in a mutual fund?!"

I was like "no....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store"

I am forming a mutual support-group for people who have been ripped-off by locksmiths.

My door is always open.

Power to Mutual profit.

*3 Contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House...*

The first is from *INDIA*, the second from *CHINA* and the third from *PAKISTAN*

They go with White House officials to examine the fence.

The Indian takes out a tape and does some measuring, works out some...

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Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

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A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.

I just wrote a joke: A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.

The generic science major takes a few moments to think, then says, "Well, I would read up on the history of the book, process the literat...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

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Two old ladies

Fanny and Mary, two small and elderly ladies living in a retirement community in Florida are sitting on a porch and enjoying some cold ice tea after a game of bingo. They've been gossiping for a while, when suddenly Fanny asks:

'Mary, dear, you and your Frank have been happy in marriage, righ...

What do you call it when 2 people argue wheather kilos or pounds are better

Mutual mass debation

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed....

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Two prawns were simmimg round the sea...

Two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. 
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I woul...

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A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copil...

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

Make me feel like a woman...

A man and a woman are on an elevator and the woman is immediately attracted to the man. He smiled and said hello, which only made her want him more. She could tell the feelings were mutual so she made her move...
Woman: “I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never been so attracted to some...

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

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...and the bartender hands him an apple

So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

"Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?"

"Sure thing! Just give me one second!"

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

"Hey what the hell is this"

"Take a bite"...

John and Jane were holding hands walking in the middle of the road. A car drove right between them.

At the hospital, their mutual friend Jacquelyn asked the doctor, “how’s John?”

The doctor replied, “he lost his left arm and leg... but he’s *all right* now.”

After giving the doctor a long stare, she asked, “how about Jane? Is she okay?”

The doctor sighed, “what’s *left* of h...

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

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A man walks into a public restroom

... and finds another man staring down into the urinal trough. The first man steps up for a look and sees a $1 bill laying piss-soaked in the bottom of the urinal.

The two men lock eyes for a moment of mutual understanding. Then the first man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $20 bill and...

The Silver Woman [Long]

One dark night a Frenchman by the name of Guillaume was hiking through the forest. Enraptured by the natural beauty of the world around him, he paused for a moment, taking in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, the sparkling ceiling of stars, and sighed contentedly. Looking up he saw a bright...

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Hey girl, I see that you're a golfer. Do you like putting?

Because I'm going to be putting my trust and confidence in you as we grow closer together over the course of a long, healthy, and mutually beneficial relationship.

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A farmer was tending to his livestock.

George, a farmer, was tending to his livestock when he noticed something about the grass. The grass in his field had smelled like chocolate. Also, he notices that his cows wouldn't eat this part of the field. The pigs and chickens would eat it, but not the cows. Over time, the milk the cows made was...

Be careful what you name your kids

I met my wife when I was 25. We got married fairly young because she got pregnant. In march of 1989 we had a beautiful baby daughter that my wife wanted to name Love. She was the fruit of our mutual affection; therefore I agreed.
Love grew up hating her name, which greatly upset me and her moth...

A pretty Killer joke.

In high school I had two girlfriends. The first was a nice girl with a twin brother who I dated for a couple weeks starting on Valentines day, before "it wasn't working out". She was as gorgeous as her brother was handsome, and they could have anybody they wanted, so I was more shocked when she agre...

Three Southern ladies

There are these three Southern ladies, Miz Ida and Miz Edna, and Miz Blanche a settin' in the glider on their porch, drinkin' mint juleps and fanning themselves in the cool afternoon air. Their talk turned to the pet names they called their husbands.

Miz Ida turns to Miz Edna and says "I cal...

3 men at a funeral..

3 men are at a mutual friend's funeral and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the funeral when one of them says "Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?" The firs...

Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.

Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

wife: what?

me: nothing, you've already told her twice.

**mutual chuckling**

wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?

me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater jo...

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven

Jesus and Moses were hanging out in Heaven when they got to discussing their mutual boredom.

Moses said, "Hey Jesus, you know what we haven't done in a while? Go down to Earth and perform some miracles." Jesus thought that was a swell idea, so the two hopped on a cloud and floated down to a m...

The Modest Florist

The was a man who sold flowers in the local village and earned a modest living doing so. He had done this his entire life so it was upsetting to him when one day he could no longer sell so much as a single rose. As he looked around the entire village he started to notice that everyone had flowers....

A Republican politician prays to God to stop climate change...

Nearly all of the world's scientists present the politician with data about the causes and potentially disastrous effects of climate change.

Ignoring them, the politician prays, "Dear Lord, please help us with this climate change problem!"

Captains of industry present the politician wi...

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A man goes to a bar. [NSFW] [Long]

At the other end of the bar her notices a lady sitting by herself looking fairly bummed out. After a couple drinks he musters the courage to go down and introduces himself. Says "I couldn't help but notice that you look kind of sad, is everything okay?" She tells him that her husband left her and is...

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Once a professor asked his students to use 'love' and 'sex' in a sentence.

Once a professor asked his students to use 'love' and 'sex' in a sentence.
.
.
GIRLS wrote: When mutual understanding between a boy and a girl increases so much that they cant live without each other, implies they are in "love" and when this love reaches an extreme such that both are physic...

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A crippled war veteran was walking down the street...

... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.

As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, "Vietnam. 40 years back."

The other man replies, "Dog shit. 40 feet ...

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A journalist is doing a report about people at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

And she sees an old man coming back after a prayer.

-Sir, may I ask you how long have you been visiting the wall and praying here?

-Oh about 70 years now, not less.

-70 years! If it's not a secret, what have you been asking from God all these years?

-I've been asking for ...

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