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Chatter Jokes

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

I had a friend over to my house and he told me he could hear my garbage can chattering away. He asked me if I knew what it was saying?

I told him I did not know, as I never listen to trash-talk.

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

that you do not talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

mom's at the bar

A guy walks into a bar and takes the only empty seat next to a group of chattering young mothers on a mommy's day out. As the evening goes on he can't help but overhear their conversations, and finally he has to join in. "I was breastfed until 3," he tells the group. Their chatter stops and they all...

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

As they loaded my mother-in-law into the ambulance...

...I reached into my wallet and pulled out all the cash I had. Taking the arm of the paramedic, I offered him the money.

"I know it's not much", I said (it was £80), "but please, if you can, see what you can do"

He looked into my tear soaked eyes, the blue lights from the ambulance mak...

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It's a typical Saturday night in an Irish pub.

Chatter emerges from people seated around different tables enjoying their Guinness. Everyone is having a nice time.

Suddenly, at one of the tables where two men are seated, one of them raises his voice and says to the other: "Ye know, I FUCKED yer Mum last night!"

The pub goes quieter...

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete,but I could hear their chatter continuosly

What do gods talk about in their spare time?

Nothing much. Just idol chatter

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A guy and a girl walking home on a first date.

On the way home the girl says, I am cold, so the guy wraps his jacket around the girl, she says "I just love a man who gives me his coat when I am cold."

He replies "Well no man want's a blow job whilst your teeth are chattering."

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I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss I asked, “What are those marks all down your penis”

He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering".

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

Once upon a time there was a hatseller

He traveled from village to village selling hats.
One day, he was walking through the jungle, and noticed a comfortable spot at the base of a particular tree. He decided to rest there, as it was a hot day. So, he put his basket of hats next to him, pulled his hat over his eyes, and slept....

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

A Catholic priest walks into a bar...

Him clearly being depressed, the bartender asks him whats wrong, however the priest is insistent that they cut the chatter and asks for the strongest drink they've got. He goes at it for hours, keeps up longer than anyone the bartenders ever seen. Finally the bartender asks "Y'know, I always wonde...

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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

MOOMFA!!!

So two male explorers are wandering on a foreign island and are suddenly both rendered unconscious. When they wake up, they find themselves tied up and sitting on the ground in front of some native people of the island.

One of the natives, which appears to be the chieftain, says something in...

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Sesame Street Bus

A guy gets a job as a city bus driver. After going over his route, his supervisor tells him about the buses advertisement. "This week, it's a sesame street ad. Do not let these ads get damaged as you make your way through the city. We make a lot of money from these companies and we want it to look g...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wra...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy wa...

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