Why'd the male Jewish dog feel the need to study up on his Hebrew?

He was about to celebrate his bark mitzvah :3

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How does a Jew make his tea? Hebrews it.

The formatting is weird but you have got to admit it israeli good.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.

What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?

An alarm system.

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An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

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What did the Jew barista do?

Hebrew coffee

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

In Israel, why is it that only men are allowed to make coffee?

Because of *Hebrew* law

What do you call a Hebrew who loses his faith and then some time later finds it again and returns to the fold?

Rejewvenated

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

What's the name of the ceremony where really prideful Hebrews get circumcised?

The Hu-Bris

A Catholic bishop, a Hebrew rabbi and a Buddhist lama were sitting in a boat and fishing.

The rabbi looked at his watch and said: "Hey, it's lunch time, there's a restaurant on the shore, I'll go and eat there".
He stepped overboard and walked to the shore on the surface of the lake as if it was solid.

The lama watched him and said: "Yeah, I'll also go and have a lunch". ...

What do Hebrews say to each other when they’re zigzagging down a slope?

Shlalom!

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

I don’t like when people distinguish between “Jew” and “Hebrew”

I guess you could say I am anti-semantic.

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

What does a Hebrew ghost sound like?

Joooooooooo

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

What do you call a Hebrew commando?

GI Jew

A lady and her talking parrots...

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, “Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the rabbi inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re eager to please. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terr...

There were people having a disagreement over whether it is correct to use the term "Jew", "Israeli", or "Hebrew".

In the end they were just arguing semitics.

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

"Did you know that there's another, Hebrew name for God?"

"No way!"

"Yahweh."

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How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?

Trust me

Which US national park is most welcoming to Hebrews?

Yosemite!

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

A rich man gave a basket of trash to a poor man[translated from hebrew]

The poor man smiled to the rich man and went on his way.

After emptying cleaning and filling it with flowers the poor man returned to the rich man and gave him basket.

Supreized the rich man asks: "why did you give me a basket of flowers after i gave you a basket of trash?"

The ...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A yamen jew is sitting the the living room and his kids starts complaining

Dadd... I'm hot!

ok my child sit next to the air conditioner

a few moments pass and the child complains again...

Daaaad! I'm still hot!

Ok ok my child, sit closer to the air conditioner



after a few seconds the child complains again.

Daaad! Daad! I am...

How does a Jewish person make tea?



Hebrews it

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

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TBT to Saddam

Saddam calls George in the middle of night and says he just had a terrible dream. He saw America on fire, dead people everywhere, the Sun blocked by smoke...

George Bush: "You Iraqis are always about wars and destruction. I also had a dream about Baghdad, but I dreamed streets full of festiv...

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

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One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because h...

I recently travelled to New Zealand. Everyone there really likes pointing out your religion...

...they kept calling me 'Hebrew'.

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Why do Jews hate the beer Jesus made?

Because it’s proof that Hebrewed it

Did you hear about the Asian-Jewish terrorist?

Hebrew himself up.

How does Moses like his coffee

Hebrews it.

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Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

There is a Jewish man that works at a local coffee shop near me...

...Hebrews better than anyone else in my town.

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

Did you hear about the Israelite barista?

Hebrews

What happened to the Jewish man when he fell down the stairs?

Hebrews'd

How did the Israeli get his coffee?

Hebrew'd it.

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

I believe Jesus worked as a beer brewer.

The bible says Hebrews.

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Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

What does the Jewish alchemist do in his spare time?

Hebrew

My Jewish neighbor has been moving huge bags of yeast and empty kegs with weird symbols into his garage.

Turns out Hebrews

There once was an old lady who said

“When I die wanna be able to talk to god”
So she went to a Rabbi to learn Hebrew.

Then the Rabbi said: “what if you end up in hell?”

She calmly responded: “oh no worries. I already speak German”

A Girl and Guy are laying in bed...

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Hebrew."

He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Shebrew."

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

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