what is a mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?

a convertible

A Hindu, Jewish Rabbi, and Mormon Evangelist are lost.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

Because 36 is just too many.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?

I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch

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What do Mormons play instead of "Fuck, Marry, Kill"?

Marry, Marry, Marry

Mormons be like, “you know what’d be fun?”

Doesn’t matter.

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God invented Mormons so...

...Christians would know how Jews feel.

How do you make a mormon stop drinking?

You invite another one.

Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?

He had nine wives.

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

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A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

What's the difference between Mormons and Baptists?

Baptists say hello to each other in the liquor store

A mormon walks into a bar.

Just kidding.

As a Mormon, heritage is very important to me.

From a very young age, I learned all about my forefathers – *and my five mothers!*

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

What do the Brits call Mormons?

knock knock blokes.

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

A man dies and goes to hell where he finds himself in the middle of a tour.

The tour guide walks them to a room of people covered in scorpions and says- “Here is where all of the Catholics go.” He then takes them to a room where all of the people are burning alive- “This is where all of the baptists go.” He then walks the group into a beautiful valley where children are run...

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Mormon missionary visitation

Sunday morning the weather was too cloudy to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when I heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said,

"I'm a Mormon missionairy, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?" With nothing else going on I sa...

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominat...

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

Mormons are really nice people. They all smile at you.

Some of them even blink.

Why did the Mormon cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

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What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

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What do R. Kelly fans and Mormons have in common?

They both defend sexual predators.

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:

“I’m confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?”

His companion mulls it over, “Sixteen… I think. *Four better, four worse, four richer, and four po...

Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?

Because if you invite only one, he'll drink all the booze.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't g...

The dyslexic drug addict became a Mormon...

...when he got hooked on LDS

Why can't you take a Mormon speed dating?

He'll start pushing all the tables together.

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were discussing their families.

Jew: I have enough children to start my own baseball team.

Catholic: So What? When my wife delivers in the fall, I can start my own soccer team!

Mormon: I got you all beat. Two more wives and I’ll have my own private golf course.

A Muslim, a Hindu and a Mormon walk into a bar

The bartender says, "Ah the people you run into when you lose your liquor licence."

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Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?

She wanted a high paying missionary position.

Why did the man convert to Mormonism?

Because he wanted to have his Kate, and Edith, too!

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What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Mormon?

Somebody that comes to your house and tells YOU to fuck off.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Why do Mormons get married on Black Friday?

Because they get 2 for 1.

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What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.

A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, they keep coming to my house and they aren’t changing anything.

Tables turned

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.

Mormons believe...

Mormons believe in wife after death.

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What's a Mormon's favorite sexual position?

You'd probably think it's missionary, but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.

An office hired a Mormon and a Jehovah’s Witness.

Soon after, there was an open door policy.

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon

That they made him a prophet.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

In the Mormon Church there is a family that has recently been baptized.

After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
“Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”
The new convert replies, “Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”
“On anything ...

What’s the opposite of a Mormon?

An oxymormon.

What do you call a Mormon from Florida?

A Fort Lauderdale saint.

Why don't the mormons just open their own Hospital if praying really works?

Because you can't make money off of prayers.

Fun Fact: Jared Fogle was a Mormon

I heard he graduated top of his class at Bring Em Young University

So i bought Christian bale from wish

Instead I got Mormon wheat

What do methheads and Mormons have in common?

They both ride bikes and go on missions.

What's the difference between the Mormons and Donald Trump?

One has millions of religious zealots that think you're going to Hell and the rest of the world can't stand. The other's a church.

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Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman's door...

The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, "Hello, we're with the church of Latter-day Saints and we're here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you?" The old man replies with a smile, "Sure...

Why do Mormons get away with murder?

The all share DNA

What do you call a Mormon gynecologist?

A Box Elder.

I couldn't be a Mormon even if I wanted to.

My parents weren't related at all.

Netflix should make a series about what Mormons say before they ring the door bell.

I would binge watch the shucks out of it.

What's a Mormon's favorite treat?

Ding Dongs

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What cell carrier do Mormons use?

Virgin Mobile

Where can you find a mormon horse?

Salt Lick City.

What did the Frat boy say when the Mormon handed him a piece of paper?

Bro sure.

What do Mormons say when they go to the strip club?

Do they come in bulk?

Which woman is the Holy symbol of the mormon church?

Mother Mary me

Two Mormon missionaries knock on a door.

A blind lady answers the door and upon learning who they are tells them she wants nothing to do with God or religion and proceeds to slam the door in their faces but the door just bounces right back open. Furious that they would stick their feet in the door she yells at them to go away and slams the...

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