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Worship Jokes

My wife worships me

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

I think my friend worships eggnog.

Because we were having a discussion about religion, and he said he identifies as an "eggnog-stic".

My coworkers worship me.

Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem. After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At t...

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Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

I'm really fed up of those insects that worship their Queen.

Sycophants.

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

Which goddess did standup comedians worship in Ancient Greece?

Amirite.

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What do you call someone who worships testicles?

I don't know but it sounds sacriligious to me.

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?

A Finnish Hymn.

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa

What do capitalists worship?

profits

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

The god I worship is d/dx(-cos(x))

Because whenever I need it, it always gives me a sine

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God.

It's pretty sack-religious.

Jesus returns home from worship

And leaves the front door open. Mary sees this and says

"Jesus! Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"


Jesus looks to Mary and says, "Yes mom I was."

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Did you hear about these people who worship a scrotum god?

Yeah, they're sackreligous.

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

What do you call a british person who worships the greek gods?

A Teathen.

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>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship?

A moss cow.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years...

First Priest: "Greetings brother. I trust you have been well."

Second Priest: "I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon."

First Priest: "No way..."

Second Priest: "Yaweh."

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

Have you heard of the group that worships Mother Theresa?

It's a nun prophet organization.






I thought of this while thinking of tax exemptions for religious groups, hopefully no one has posted it here already :)

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

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confucious says man who worships the pussy....

puts his thrust in god.

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship, but others in the community wanted to send the money as aid to less privileged countries. To choose what they would do with the money, the leaders of the Islamic community decided to have an event where everyone coul...

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...

I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india...

She's a fat cow.

I’m writing a book about an American who falls off a cruise ship and washes up on the shore of a land run by Satan-worshiping extraterrestrial lizard people.

I’m calling it “Gullible’s Travels.”

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

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Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

People and their coffee

They worship it so much it's like sacred grounds to them.

Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says

"baby. if you were in India they would worship you"

His wife responds while blushing "does that mean I'm a goddess"

He smiles and says "no you're a cow"

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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism...

I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

God, I love WAP

Nothing better than worship and prayer

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

Most people love Dogs

But dyslexic people worship them!

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

Burglary

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38! " ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your...

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

Veganism is sinful.

Because it’s seitanic worship.

Aliens visit, and their first question is: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"

Aliens: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"

Humans: "well, we were worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed... and then we made it to developing technology that can destroy this entire planet, and pretty soon we'll have unlimited energy from that tech."

Aliens: "Impressiv...

My boss keeps asking me to cut my hair. I keep telling him it is part of my religion

I worship the Metal Gods.

Kim Kardashian arrives in India for the first time, she walks out of the airport, and to her surprise, everyone on the streets stops, turns towards her, and kneels in humility and reverence

Little did she know, they worship cows over there!

I have this friend who went to Yale.

I have this friend who went to Yale. Maybe you've met him? Really bushy beard, went back to school get a doctorate in sculpture? Anyway. He just gave me his entire collection of carved blackbirds. I was stunned because not only are these some of the most well-crafted sculptures I've ever seen, but h...

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

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