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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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What do you call someone who worships testicles?

I don't know but it sounds sacriligious to me.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?

A Finnish Hymn.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I’m writing a book about an American who falls off a cruise ship and washes up on the shore of a land run by Satan-worshiping extraterrestrial lizard people.

I’m calling it “Gullible’s Travels.”

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

What do you call a group of people who worship a demon?

Occult

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

There is a new cult called The Order of the Follicle that worships human hair.

Shaving is considered hair-esy.

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper

If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa

What do you call a british person who worships the greek gods?

A Teathen.

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One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

Why do some people worship Messi?

They say he's the Lionel of Judah.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

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>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

Did you hear about the new cult that worships fabrics?

They're Satinists.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

My wife worships me

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday

What do you call an Islamic place of worship in Ecuador?

A "mosquito"

What did the Devil Worshiping basketball player say?

Baal is life

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

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Did you hear about these people who worship a scrotum god?

Yeah, they're sackreligous.

Who do mice worship?

Cheesus. :)

The god I worship is d/dx(-cos(x))

Because whenever I need it, it always gives me a sine

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

What do capitalists worship?

profits

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

Jesus returns home from worship

And leaves the front door open. Mary sees this and says

"Jesus! Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"


Jesus looks to Mary and says, "Yes mom I was."

Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says

"baby. if you were in India they would worship you"

His wife responds while blushing "does that mean I'm a goddess"

He smiles and says "no you're a cow"

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

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Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship, but others in the community wanted to send the money as aid to less privileged countries. To choose what they would do with the money, the leaders of the Islamic community decided to have an event where everyone coul...

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship?

A moss cow.

God, I love WAP

Nothing better than worship and prayer

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A man goes on safari in africa and his guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird.

As they were starting out on their hunt, the man's guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird which lives in this area. This bird flies overhead and takes enormous shits. If one lands on you, you must NOT wipe it off while in the Foo bird's nesting grounds. This dishonors our ancestors who wors...

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confucious says man who worships the pussy....

puts his thrust in god.

What does The Nativity and Mamma Mia have in common?

A mysteriously pregnant woman is visited by three men who worship her child.

"Hey Thor, you gonna go murder those villagers for not worshipping you?"

Not sure, I smite

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods.

Cats have never forgotten this.

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india...

She's a fat cow.

Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism...

I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

Most people love Dogs

But dyslexic people worship them!

A joke by Mirza Ghalib (renowned Urdu / Persian poet) translated into English

Not sure if the humor is lost in translation but I found it hilarious. Anyway here goes:



I got drunk under the influence of love and told her that she’s my Goddess;

I immediately sobered up when she told me that Goddesses are worshipped by many.

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

A Cleric and a Hipster Druid were hanging out by a river bank discussing their beliefs.

The Druid says, "Yeah I worship river tributaries. That way I get my powers before they become mainstream."

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

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