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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

What do you call a british person who worships the greek gods?

A Teathen.

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

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A Greek man refused to worship the gods.

Zeus, being farely pissed, took away the man's sight. "Go to the temple, make a sacrifice to me and you will see again," he said. But the man merely laughed.

Athena, hearing about this, travelled to Earth and took away his taste. "If you ever want to taste a well-cooked meal again", she said,...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

There is a new cult called The Order of the Follicle that worships human hair.

Shaving is considered hair-esy.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem. After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At t...

It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper

If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

God, I love WAP

Nothing better than worship and prayer

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

What did the Devil Worshiping basketball player say?

Baal is life

Have you heard about the cult of teenage girls who worship the German physicist Georg Simon Ohm?

In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying in the hallways: "Ohm, my God!"

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

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>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says

"baby. if you were in India they would worship you"

His wife responds while blushing "does that mean I'm a goddess"

He smiles and says "no you're a cow"

Why do some people worship Messi?

They say he's the Lionel of Judah.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

The god I worship is d/dx(-cos(x))

Because whenever I need it, it always gives me a sine

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Did you hear about the new cult that worships fabrics?

They're Satinists.

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

My wife left me for an Indian guy.

I believe that he will treat her great, because in India they worship cows.

My wife worships me

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

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Did you hear about these people who worship a scrotum god?

Yeah, they're sackreligous.

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

A joke by Mirza Ghalib (renowned Urdu / Persian poet) translated into English

Not sure if the humor is lost in translation but I found it hilarious. Anyway here goes:



I got drunk under the influence of love and told her that she’s my Goddess;

I immediately sobered up when she told me that Goddesses are worshipped by many.

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

A Monk visits a Monastery

After years of training to be a monk, John left his monastery to travel the world and visit other places of worship. One day, he ended up at a monastery high up in the Himalayas. After exchanging pleasantries with his fellow monk brethren, they all gathered for their evening prayer followed by suppe...

Who do mice worship?

Cheesus. :)

What do you call someone who worships balls?

Sack-religious.

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

What do capitalists worship?

profits

Most people love Dogs

But dyslexic people worship them!

A Cleric and a Hipster Druid were hanging out by a river bank discussing their beliefs.

The Druid says, "Yeah I worship river tributaries. That way I get my powers before they become mainstream."

A town has banned music, and a monastery has popped up dedicated to worship in chorus.

The town's police were at the gates of the monastery every night, however the brother of the town's mayor was part of the monks, and used his connection to his brother to stop the police from interrupting their choral ceremonies.

After a year long stalemate, a man named Hugh came to the town,...

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

My religion is Euphemism.

I worship Gosh and his son Gee Whiz, so I won't be darned to heck.

Jesus returns home from worship

And leaves the front door open. Mary sees this and says

"Jesus! Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"


Jesus looks to Mary and says, "Yes mom I was."

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes

He's a Catholic converter

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

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Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship?

A moss cow.

There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

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confucious says man who worships the pussy....

puts his thrust in god.

"Hey Thor, you gonna go murder those villagers for not worshipping you?"

Not sure, I smite

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods.

Cats have never forgotten this.

Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism...

I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.

My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india...

She's a fat cow.

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Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter tells them, "I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward."

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, "What is your wife's name?" The guy says, "Her name is Penny."

St. Peter gives a disapproving...

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...

I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.

Who does the Metric Cult worship?

...Demetre.

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

I have this friend who went to Yale.

I have this friend who went to Yale. Maybe you've met him? Really bushy beard, went back to school get a doctorate in sculpture? Anyway. He just gave me his entire collection of carved blackbirds. I was stunned because not only are these some of the most well-crafted sculptures I've ever seen, but h...

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

One time my religion teacher who has a monobrow asked me “what the hell did you do to your hair?”

because i had a blond streak through it and I said “what the hell did you do to your eyebrow” and he sent me outside.

When I came back in he asked everyone what monotheism was and I said it
meant a religion that worshipped one god because mono means one as in
monobrow and he sent me ou...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

The reason Jesus hasn’t returned yet

Is because his people are actually worshipping the instrument of his death.

Veganism is sinful.

Because it’s seitanic worship.

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Cyclops heard of the birth of Jesus and decided to pay him a visit

They had travelled many miles following a star, until they came to Bethlehem.

Finally, the found the stable wherein the tiny baby lay in a manger, watched over by his mother Mary.

They knelt before the babe and asked of his mother, "May we worship the holy child?"

Sadly she s...

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