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Worship Jokes

My wife worships me

She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem. After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At t...

I'm really fed up of those insects that worship their Queen.

Sycophants.
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Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

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Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

I found a cult of people that worship the god of violence

Their beliefs are just wack

My coworkers worship me.

Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

What do you call a small, Muslim house of worship located in Mexico?

A mosquito.

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What do you call someone who worships testicles?

I don't know but it sounds sacriligious to me.

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

For anyone going to worship today, do you remember why you shouldn't fart in church?

Because then you'll have to sit in your own pew.

Why do autobody painters worship Jesus?

Because they think he's a good car painter!

There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God.

It's pretty sack-religious.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?

A Finnish Hymn.

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

I’m writing a book about an American who falls off a cruise ship and washes up on the shore of a land run by Satan-worshiping extraterrestrial lizard people.

I’m calling it “Gullible’s Travels.”

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

Why do some people worship Messi?

They say he's the Lionel of Judah.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers

What do you call a british person who worships the greek gods?

A Teathen.

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

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Did you hear about these people who worship a scrotum god?

Yeah, they're sackreligous.

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!

What do you call a place of religious worship for Tesla cars?

An Elon Mosque

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

The god I worship is d/dx(-cos(x))

Because whenever I need it, it always gives me a sine

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

I don’t get it. People still worship this kind, bearded, rebellious guy who was born like ages ago in the Middle East.

I mean come on. Leave Keanu alone.

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>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

What do capitalists worship?

profits

Have you heard of the group that worships Mother Theresa?

It's a nun prophet organization.






I thought of this while thinking of tax exemptions for religious groups, hopefully no one has posted it here already :)

Jesus returns home from worship

And leaves the front door open. Mary sees this and says

"Jesus! Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"


Jesus looks to Mary and says, "Yes mom I was."

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sack religious

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

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Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship?

A moss cow.

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship...

The local Muslim community had raised enough money to build a new house of worship, but others in the community wanted to send the money as aid to less privileged countries. To choose what they would do with the money, the leaders of the Islamic community decided to have an event where everyone coul...

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods.

Cats have never forgotten this.

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

"Hey Thor, you gonna go murder those villagers for not worshipping you?"

Not sure, I smite

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confucious says man who worships the pussy....

puts his thrust in god.

My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india...

She's a fat cow.

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...

I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.

Some of my Satan worshiping friends invited me to an open discussion on Satanism...

I'm not a Satanist myself, but I do like to play Devil's advocate...it was very confusing.

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years...

First Priest: "Greetings brother. I trust you have been well."

Second Priest: "I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon."

First Priest: "No way..."

Second Priest: "Yaweh."

Xavier the Saviour

Back when I was a kid, I was part of a youth group at my local catholic church. There, I got to know the most well-revered and eccentric man in the entire community, Father Xavier.


He was never one for formalities, so he insisted everyone in his youth group call him by whatever endearing ...

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A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

My girl left me for a Hindu guy.

It's okay thought, he'll treat her better. They worship cows.

I just got back from fondue night at the local church.

And now I absolutely worship Gouda.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.


"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing".


The sailors are ...

People and their coffee

They worship it so much it's like sacred grounds to them.

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

Burglary

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38! " ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your...

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

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One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says

"baby. if you were in India they would worship you"

His wife responds while blushing "does that mean I'm a goddess"

He smiles and says "no you're a cow"

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

God, I love WAP

Nothing better than worship and prayer

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A man goes on safari in africa and his guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird.

As they were starting out on their hunt, the man's guide warns him about the curse of the Foo bird which lives in this area. This bird flies overhead and takes enormous shits. If one lands on you, you must NOT wipe it off while in the Foo bird's nesting grounds. This dishonors our ancestors who wors...

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

What is the difference between someone who worships God & someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

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