UPJOKE
buddhismbodhisattvagautama buddhagautamamahayanasanghamahavirabuddhisttheravadahinduismdharmamagadhanepalmaudgalyayanaalara kalama

Buddha Jokes

Jesus and Buddha are sitting in Heaven.

Buddha: "I should've made one of those rules where people aren't allowed to depict me."

Jesus: "Why?"

Buddha: "They keep making me look fat!"

Jesus: "Tell me about it. I've been a blond white guy for two thousand years!"

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This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

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Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

Buddha was walking down the road with his students...

Buddha was walking down the road with his students when he saw a hole in the road with an ox stuck inside and farmer trying to get the ox out, with no avail. Buddha nodded to his pupils and they helped the guy out quickly. They continued walking, when they saw another hole in the road with another o...

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon.

Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

The Buddha

The Buddha was sitting under the bodhi tree, then some other guys asked him to get up and leave.
Buddha says, "namaste".

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Why did the Buddha quit gmail?

Because of the attachments.

Have you heard of the naked guy who insults people for not being devoted to Buddha?

Talk about the rudest nudist Buddhist

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Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar

The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"

Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."

Buddha sees a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything!”

All he has to pay with is a $20. The vendor takes the money, thanks Buddha and starts helping the next customer. Buddha interrupts “What about my change?”

The vendor replies “Ah, change comes from within!”

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So, I named my penis Buddha

Bc often when I rub it, it brings me happiness,peace and mental wealth.

Why does the Buddha float in water?

Because he’s enlightened

Why couldn’t the Buddha vacuum underneath his couch?

He had no attatchments

What did The Buddha say when they tried to evict him?

“Namaste.”

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.



First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died


Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha?

I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.


*-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

A Dolphin meets the Buddha...

The Buddha says you may ask me any question young dolphin and I shall answer for you.
The Dolphin thinks about what he should ask and after several minutes of soul searching he ask the Buddha "What is my Porpoise in life?"

Well away from the muffins...

My aunt Sara is someone who has an excellent sense of humor. In a nutshell, my aunt is a lady in her sixties who uses the fact that she loves cakes and is overweight... to make fun of herself. One of the most delightful conversations i had with her was when i met her at the bus stop one day and she ...

Buddha sits under the christmas tree..

"I am present"

There was an indecisive buddha...

...his mantra was 'ummmm'

Said Jesus to Buddha...

"... You're not taking your self very seriously."

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

I have a bag with a crucifix, Buddha, and the Quran inside.

Is this sacrilegious?

The Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."

The cashier says "That'll be $12.50."

The Buddha gives him a twenty and holds out his hand for the change.

The cashier shakes his head, smiles and says, "Change must come from within."

Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha walks into a bar...

The bartender asks each of them what they want.

Muhammad orders a glass of cranberry juice.

Jesus orders a glass of water, and promptly turns it into wine.

Then the bartender asks Buddha, "what do you want?"

Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything."

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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

What does a monk say in the club?

Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha everywhere

A burgler breaks into a house at night

As he's sneaking around, suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you".

The burgler ignores it. But then he hears it again: "Jesus is watching you".

Confused, the burgler pays his attention to where the voice is coming from. And he sees a parrot.

The burgler approaches the ...

A blonde prays to God

"Please dear Lord! Let me win the lottery!"

Next day she buys a ticket and it loses. That night she prays to God again: "Please dear Lord! Let me win the lottery!"

The next day she buys another lottery ticket and it loses again. She gets upset, goes to buy a book about Buddha, and that...

Where do Jesus, Buddha, and their friends go to lose weight?

The deitician.

Gods office

An every day man died, and floated up to heaven. And at the pearly gates St Peter was there to greet him.

And he said “before we can let you Into heaven we need to check your lie clock first”

‘My lie clock said the man?’ What’s that?

St Peter told him it’s a big clock that ke...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

I asked a Buddha what it would take to get a lot of good sweet karma in the easiest way possible today.

He said it’s a secret.

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common."

I've been in both.

A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.


He then sighed and said, "T...

Getting spiritual at the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a framed picture of a cat hanging behind the bar. "What happened to the picture of Buddha you used to have hanging back there?" he asks the bartender. The bartender replies, "That was Zen, this is Meow."

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A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to crash.

The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The han...

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What's the title of Salman Rushdie's new book?

Buddha, you fat fuck.

Guy jumps out of a plane.

a man that was about to jump out of a plane asks his instructor one last time "what happens if the parachute doesn't open" the instructor says "that is very unlikely, but if it happens, put your hands together and say Buddha Buddha Buddha" the guy thinks that is strange and jumps out of the plane an...

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

JOKE BANK

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because chickens weren't around yet.

Q: What do you call a ...

A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.

So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with g...

Jesus is in heaven, telling everyone about the time he rose from the dead

“That’s nothing” said Buddha. “When I died, I stayed dead!”

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

Jesus saves!

Moses invests!

But only Buddha guarantees returns.

A Christian, a Buddhist, an atheist, and an agnostic are on a plane

All of a sudden, the plane is about to crash, and so the passengers need to jump off due to the lack of parachutes.

The Christian jumps off first and says, "God will save me!" and God saves him.

The Buddhist then jumps off and says, "Buddha will save me!" and Buddha saves him.

N...

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving.

This joke works better in person.

As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying "Oh Allah please save me." Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying "Oh God please save me!" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and ...

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

A man is taking a stroll through Central Park…

… when he finds a lamp on the ground. Curious, the man picks it up and rubs it - and a genie appears! The genie, however, apologizes - after millennia of wear and tear, he can only grant one wish, and what’s worse is that it can only be one of three options.

The first is to be the most attrac...

A muslim, buddhist and a Christian were arguing...

about whose God was the greatest.

The muslim said "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "allah allah allah allah..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted lo...

What do you call a rat that has reached enlightenment?

A Buddha-Pest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

Faith is everything

A man is about to jump from a plane. Right before he jumps, he looks down and freezes in place.

"Don't worry," says the pilot, "If something goes wrong - start chanting 'Oh great Buddha, please save me'".

Skeptical but with renewed confidence, the man jumps. At the right height, he t...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

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Salman Rushdie enjoyed the response to his book The Satanic Verses so much that he has written a sequel.

It will be called "Buddha, You Fat Fuck"

A Buddhist, a priest and a Rabbi go to a barber...

A buddhist goes to a barber. After his haircut is finished he asks about the price and the barber says for a man of faith there is no cost. The next day the barber finds a gold statue of buddha on the steps of his shop.

A priest goes to the barber to get his hair cut. After his haircut is fin...

Did you hear about the new low fat religion?

"I Can't Believe Its Not Buddha"

A Buddhist finds a Genie in a lamp

The genie says "I can grant you one wish." The Buddha says with tears in his eyes "I've always wanted to be Hispanic, and I have also lived this life of poverty. What I would really like is for you to make me Juan, with everything."

I had a dream last night...

In my dream I was watching a band play. Buddha was playing guitar, Jesus was playing bass, Mohammed was singing, and Zeus was playing the drums. After the show, Zeus came down and gave me a large metal disc. I think it was a cymbal from god.

What do you call a religious termite in Hungary?

Buddha-pest

What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone?

A Buddha-pest.

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