UPJOKE
aliislammeccaquranmohammedgabrielabu bakrprophetarabiamohammadmedinaahmadishmaelabrahamsunni

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad at work today.

"It has two meanings," he replied, "The first meaning is 'God is Great'".

"And the second?" I asked

"Run like fuck!" Muhammad smiled.

I figured out why so many Muslims are called Muhammad.

So they don't have to have their picture in the yearbook.

Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common."

I've been in both.

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Muhammad.

It's making little prophets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Muhammad goes to 1st grade...

When the teacher asked his name he replied: "Muhammad".
The teacher says:" you live in France, from now on you're name is Phillip and you will be French"
Little Phillip goes back home and his mom asks him" well little Muhammad, how was school?"
Phillip replied: "I'm French now, my name is P...

Why couldn't Muhammad pick his wife up from childcare?

Because Muslim girls can't go to school

A Muslim man sees the face of Muhammad in a tub of margarine one day

His neighbor from Nepal looks over and says "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

What does Al Bundy and the prophet Muhammad have in common?

Married with children.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

What do you call Muhammad Ali after he eats beans?

Gaseous Clay

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

Everything's ok with Muhammad.

Aisha was only his goat.

I told a joke about Muhammad to a Muslim man..

And he blew up in my face!

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Muhammad Ali once tried to tell a joke.

But he punched up the fuck line.

Muhammad Ali & Joe Frazier go to a Dry Cleaner.

Owner says, "Can I help you?"

They say, "How much to wash an old pair of boxers?"

Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad walk into a bar...

...and they all agree their boss can be a tad too demanding at times.

So I hear the Hulk's believing in Muhammad nowadays...

Now he's gone from "Hulk Smash" to "I Slam".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

For Sale : George Foreman Grill and Muhammad Ali dvds...

Both Boxed...

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?

That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues

We make a small prophet.

I've always wanted to shake Muhammad Ali's hand

Unfortunately, Parkinson's beat me to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an esca...

Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha walks into a bar...

The bartender asks each of them what they want.

Muhammad orders a glass of cranberry juice.

Jesus orders a glass of water, and promptly turns it into wine.

Then the bartender asks Buddha, "what do you want?"

Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything."

My neighbor Muhammad is always sneezing really loud

I think he might be Sikh.

Muhammad Ali has two boys.

Both of them head strong and talented like their father, vigorously passionate about their sport. But neither of them took a liking to boxing. They actually had an uncanny knack for driving, or rather, the opposite of driving. They could put a car into perfect position flawlessly every time, even in...

[OC] What was Muhammad Ali’s flatulent brother’s name?

Gaseous Clay

An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets his fellow villager going the opposite way.

He says, "Ahmed, Prophet Muhammad would never let his wife walk ahead of him."

The first villager replies, "Well, at the time of the Prophet there were no minefields."

What do you call a muslim billionaire?

Profit Muhammad.

What did Muhammad Ali name his son?

Alli'son.

I was at a urinal when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox...

bad day to wear sandals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mohammed goes to school....

The children were returning to class after playtime.

The first child into class was Jack.
''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack.
''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!''
Jack s...

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

Muhammad Ali walks into a restaurant..

Muhammad Ali walks into a restaurant. He sits down at a corner table and a young waitress comes to his table.

Ali: "A cup of coffee and a hot dog."
Waitress: "We don't serve negroes."
Ali: "I don't eat them either. Just give me a cup of coffee and a hamburger."

What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

Trump, Putin, Xi Jinping, and Prince Muhammad Bin Salman are all on AF-1.

Trump- You know, I could throw a billion dollars out the window and many would like it.


Putin- I could throw a nation's wealth out the window and millions would like it.


Xi- I could throw America's wealth out the window and billions would like it.


MBS- I could throw ...

So Muhammad Ali is dead...

Is it too soon for a punchline?

Yesterday, radical Islamists attacked an art gallery near Dallas that mocked Muhammad. Police managed to shoot and kill the terrorists.

My favorite drawings of Muhammad at the exhibit were the two chalk outlines out front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Discrimination

Three first-graders are flunking their class. The teacher calls them in and tells them: "I will ask you one question each, if you can answer it, you pass."

"Jim, how do you spell 'Cow'?"

"Jack, how do you spell 'Car'?"

"Muhammad, how do you spell 'Racial discrimination'?"

Two guys survive a plane crash in the middle of the desert...

Two guys, John and James, survive a plane crash in the middle of the desert. With nothing better to do, and no food or water, they set out in search of civilisation.

A long while goes by, over which time they develop a fierce hunger. Suddenly, off in the distance, they spot a building. Excit...

1. Muhammad

2\. (Peace be upon him)

3\. Prophet????

Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up?

He wanted to double his prophets.

Starved boy and Pork chop.

Today I went out from steak house and found a starved boy looking inside.

Are you hungry little boy? I asked him.

I never had a chance to eat pork chop, he replied.

So I invited him inside and order one for him.

He looked even more sad and said nothing.

Something i...

What brand of medicine sponsored a boxer?

Muhammad Aleve

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

A victim of a recent mugging went to the police for help.

When the victim entered the station she was comforted by the police officer, given a cup of coffee, and was told that they would bring a sketch artist to draw the suspect from her description.

After about 10 minutes, the department's sketch artist comes in and prepares his work space. The off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.