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Baptist Jokes

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...
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A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...
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Difference between Catholic and Baptist

A Catholic will say Hi when they see you at the liquor store.
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Baptists vs. Beer

If you go fishing with one Baptist they'll drink all your beer.

If you go fishing with two Baptists neither of them will drink your beer.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jews, Protestants, and Baptists?

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...
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St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....
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Why does John the Baptist have more money than Jesus?

Because Jesus saves while John invests!
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Baptists

Why don’t Baptists screw standing up?


Because someone might see them and think they’re dancing.
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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...
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First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...
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How do you get a Baptist to not drink all your liquor when you invite them to your party?

How do you get a Baptist to not drink all your liquor when you invite them to your party?

Invite another Baptist.
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Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...
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A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...
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How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.
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Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious o...
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A man walks into a department store

He says to sales lady "I would like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the sales lady asked "what kind of bra?"

He repeated a "Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah now I remember" sai...
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whats the difference between Catholics and baptists?

Catholics drink on the front porch, baptists drink on the back porch.
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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...
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A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than...
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: One to screw the lightbulb, and one to convince the lightbulb that the lightbulb’s sinful, promiscuous behavior is what caused the first one to screw it, and if the lightbulb gossips to the police about being screwed, it would be damaging the church’s mission of preaching the Good News of Jesus...
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Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...
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The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, ...
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A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"

The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle. ...
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...
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Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...
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A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...
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A Baptist, a Mormon, and a Muslim walk into a bar...

The Baptist says, "What the hell are we doing here?"
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Why don't baptist have sex standing up?

It looks too much like dancing.

I think Baptists make terrible baseball players

Because they believe in once safe, always safe.
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Did you hear about the long-sighted baptist?

He had to use a large font.
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.
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there has been a shooting at the Westboro Baptist church...

police report 3 dozen cheerful bystanders, yet nobody claims to have seen who did it.
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What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.
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Jesus had long hair

A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him.

"Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate."

The son accepted the chal...

How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?

A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out.

A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out.

A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their wa...
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What's the difference between a Baptist and a Catholic?

Catholics acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle.

Extra:

What's the difference between Catholics and Lutherans? Catholics just acknowledge each other in the liquor aisle, Lutherans have a 15 minute conversation about booze.
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According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group

We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.

Apparently nail gun was not the right answer
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A priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Jewish Rabbi were at the bar debating over which of their religions was best

The priest suggested a competition. He said that the best way to figure out whose religion was best was to see who could convert an atheist to his own religion.

“No that’s too easy,” said the Rabbi.

Suddenly, a bear walked by and the Baptist preacher said, “the true religious man wou...
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John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.
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If baptists are baptized...

does that mean protestants are protested?
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A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet...
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There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
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What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?

Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
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A catholic priest, Baptist minister, and a rabbi are on a cruise ship

When the ship begins to sink. They are making their way to the life boats when they notice that there are a bunch of un-escorted kids standing there. The Baptist minster says to the others, "what about the children?"

The rabbi says,"fuck the children."

The catholic priest asks, "do we ...

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke
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As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'
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You know why the Baptists don't make love standing up?

They don't want people to think they're dancing.

Not my joke cheech marins I'm high as Fuck and thought you guys might like it too.

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Preacher are out for a round of golf...

The Rabbi shanks one into the water hazard and they walk down to retrieve it. As they’re looking for the last ball together, they spot something reflecting the sun from under the water. One of them picks up what appears to be a glass jar, FILLED with gold coins!

Soon they have realized that t...
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Two Irishmen on a Trian

Two Irishmen are walking down the isle of a passenger train car, asking, "Is their a priest here? Has anyone seen a priest of this train? No one answers, and they go on to the next car.

A few minutes later, they come back, asking, "Is there a rabbi here? Has anyone seen a Rabbi on the trai...
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The KKK, Black Lives Matter And Westboro Baptist Church Throw Urine At Each Other Outside RNC.

Reports are still unclear as to what pissed them all off.

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...
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