UPJOKE
silvermetalcopperprecious metalbullionnoble metalgold leafgoldenplatinumelectrumjewelrybronzealloymetallicatomic number

Gold Jokes

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

The Olympian gold medalist in cross-country-skiing was being interviewed on TV...

And it came up in the interview that, what with training and all, he hadn't seen his wife for more than a year.

The interviewer asked, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "So, what's the first thing you plan to do when you get home, then?"

The gold medalist blushed furiously and sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

old but gold

Just sat next to a bloke in the pub, he takes his wallet out and pulls a photo of his wife from it. He showed it to me and said, Isn't she stunning?

I replied, if you think she is stunning you should see my wife.

Why? Is she a model?

No, I replied, she's an optician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

I had a gold fish that would breakdance on the carpet...

But only for about ten seconds.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

This is Gold

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psy...

Gold Bricking 101

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the...

Why do Italian’s wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving!

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research...

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger"

I told as I was taking away his dental implant.

Why was the rabbit disappointed when she saw the gold?

Those weren’t the carats she expected!

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

A gold nugget walks into a bar...

A gold nugget walks into a bar. The bartender says, "'ey you! Get outta here!"

How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

I lost my gold bar.

Au man!

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

Sigmund Freud was an Olympic Gold Medalist

He took home the medal for Mental Gymnastics.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.

It was just a miner injury.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug

But it looks like apple beat me to it.
Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.

"Aay, G."

Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finding exactly what right women don't have in America is like transmuting iron to gold.

You can't.

Why did Harry Potter use so much Gold Bond when he got off his broom?

Quiddichin




I'll see myself out.

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They’ll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?


Lo-fi

Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to ...

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

What algorithm does Amber Heard use to dig for gold?

Depp First Search.

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

What does a chemistry teacher says when gold bar fells on his/her feet?

Auuuuuuu!

What does gold eat to stay healthy?

Karats.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Czech guy caught a gold fish

Czech guy caught a gold fish and was given three wishes in return for its life.

-What do you want?, asked the little fish

-I want China to occupy Czechia and then to return home.

-OK and what is your second wish?

-I want China to occupy this country again and then return ...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast?

Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

emos and goths should wear more gold

its pretty metal

How does gold get your attention?

"Ay You!"

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

Why do leprechauns not like fools gold?

Because it's a sham rock

What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

A dinosr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nancy and the gold fish

Little Nancy is digging a hole in the back yard when her neighbor looks over the fence.

"What are you doing little girl?"

"My goldfish died, so I'm digging a hole to bury it."

The neighbor smiles:

"But isn't that hole a little big for a gold fish?"

"Not if it's ins...

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

What's better than a Gold medal at the Paralympics

Two legs

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold

“Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”

“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”

Robin hood turned back to the man.

“You’re what?”

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other says

"No"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two worms live together on a gold course.

First worm asks what’s the weather like? Second worm says he’ll check and starts making his way up the dirt.

Meanwhile, two lady golfers are on the course. First one has to piss. Second one says just do it right here, nobody’s around.

Meanwhile the worm goes to the dirt looks up and g...

My wife is like precious gold to me.

That's why I buried her in the backyard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Au

Old but gold

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frog's middle finger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.