This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

What did a gold bar say when he saw his other gold bar buddy.

Au

How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner back in the 1800s finally strikes gold

Amazed by his good luck, he decides that he wants to go into town and celebrate with a prostitute.
He walks into the local tavern, goes up to the barkeep and says,
“I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Yukon!”
The barkeep looks at him and says
“We got her! Go upstairs and she’s in t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what’s better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

Not being retarded

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what's a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

I went digging for gold but didn’t find anything

It was a miner frustration

How do you make a gold pie?

You put fourteen carrots on it.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

Old but gold: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A: None.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

The three wise men came to the manger with gifts for baby Jesus. They brought gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought a...

[OC] Why do rappers wear so much fake gold?

Faux show.

What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common?

They’re both $70 rip off’s

What do you yell at a bar of gold to get its attention?

A-U!

Two gold fish are in a tank

One says to the other: do you know how to drive this thing?

An Old But Gold Mathematical Joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

​

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

If the King sits on Gold, who sits on Silver?

The Lone Ranger!

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

An old and gold jokes

I'm gonna be a terrorist & kill 1000 people and a monkey

Why do you wanna kill a monkey?

See ! No One Cares about the 1000 people

I accidentally joined an organization...

I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.

When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old but gold

The other night I was going down on my girlfriend and I said
“Jeez you’ve got a big pussy, jeez you’ve got a big pussy.”
She moaned “why did you say that twice?”
To which I replied “I didn’t”

Husband Gets A Shock When His Wife Tells Him This On Her Birthday. This Is Gold

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed.
watching his wife. who was looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be eight again'. she replied. still looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her ...