What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

A dinosr

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

What happens if you laugh at a joke that doesn't have gold?

You lgh at it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's that joke about Midas and Oedipus?

I know the punchline was mother fucking gold!

I was going to tell a joke about a gold mine

But everyone would just pick holes in it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

What did the burglar say after he broke into Fort Knox by exploding a bomb?

Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold.

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says

''Au, get outta here''

What did a gold bar say when he saw his other gold bar buddy.

Au

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Digging for gold out here

I dig...
You dig...
He dig...
She dig...
We dig...
They dig...

Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.

What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold?

You'll be the end of me.

An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what's a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner back in the 1800s finally strikes gold

Amazed by his good luck, he decides that he wants to go into town and celebrate with a prostitute.
He walks into the local tavern, goes up to the barkeep and says,
“I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Yukon!”
The barkeep looks at him and says
“We got her! Go upstairs and she’s in t...

I went digging for gold but didn’t find anything

It was a miner frustration

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

How do you make a gold pie?

You put fourteen carrots on it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

Old but gold: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

A: None.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought a...

Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

What do you call an egg made of gold and diamonds?

Eggspensive!

The three wise men came to the manger with gifts for baby Jesus. They brought gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

What does Fallout 76 and gold plated velcro have in common?

They’re both $70 rip off’s

How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

[OC] Why do rappers wear so much fake gold?

Faux show.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

​

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

Felt like bringing back an old but gold one

Q. Where does a king keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies

An Old But Gold Mathematical Joke

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with ...

Whats Better than winning gold at the special olympics?.........

ICECREAM

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.


Edit: Wow this really exploded. I know you guys hate this but... thanks for silver!

Edit 2: And now gold? Wow...

Edit 3: Platinum? You guys are insane :)

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds

What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.