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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins....

....I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.

If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?”

The patient replied, “Its mine.”

Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?

It shows you an Augmented reality.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

I like my bitcoin the same as I like my gold

Mined by other people.

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

I embedded my teeth with diamonds and gold and burned my tongue.

Lesson learned, don't put a grill in your mouth.

How do you turn a stew into gold?

Add 24 carrots.

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

Old but gold...

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

What did the hungry redditor do with the gold he got from his post?

He EDIT.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What's the similarity between a girl and Reddit gold?

Too expensive

I have known my girlfriend, Edith, for three years now and today I finally bought her a gold ring for our anniversary.

Edith: wow thank you, that is my first gold!

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

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(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was Motherfucking Gold.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

$5 million solid gold toilet stolen in Blenheim Palace heist

Police have nothing to go on.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Are you made of gold titanium sulfur titanium and carbon?

Because you’re AuTiSTiC

I once had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet

But only once and only for twenty seconds

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So we know where to stop shaving.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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A man walks into a bar...

then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

How does gold get your attention?

"Ay You!"

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Why did the bronze medallist not go on a second date with the gold medallist?

He was two forward.

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

What do you get if you drop a piano down a gold mine?

A flat minor

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

A dinosr

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

What does pure gold taste like?

Crunchy. Because it is comprised of 24 carrots.

A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

I'm always happy when I sell some gold.

It makes me euphauric.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did yo...

What did the miner say when blowing up rocks and discovering a gold vein?

Wow. This blew up! Thanks for the gold, kind nature!

What happens if you laugh at a joke that doesn't have gold?

You lgh at it.

Boudreaux won the gold medal in Olympic pirogue racing

His mama was so proud she had it bronzed.

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Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A solid gold toilet was stolen from Winston Churchills home over the weekend

As a parting gesture, the thieves left a large stool and some small nuggets in its place.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

Old gold

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

What did the slave owner said to his slave during the gold rush?

I wanna make you mine.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I got beaten up by a piece of gold.

The teachers suspended it for bullion.

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having sex.

That’ll be fucking gold.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

I was going to tell a joke about a gold mine

But everyone would just pick holes in it

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says

''Au, get outta here''

Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday.

I think he must be going soft in his old age.

What did a gold bar say when he saw his other gold bar buddy.

Au

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

What would Jesus say after the wise men gave him gifts, if he was a redditor?

Edit: Thanks for the gold

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

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What's the common point between jews and shoes ?

Its easier to find in 39 than in 45


Edit : Thanks for the gold king stranger ! That was a joke. sorry if i offended anyone, just wanted to make people laugh, have a good day

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

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