The 92+ Best Gold Jokes

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

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A gold one

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whisp...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

I was digging in my garden the other day and found a chest full of gold coins

I WANTED TO RUN STRAIGHT HOME AND TELL MY WIFE ABOUT IT.
THEN I REMEMBERED WHY I WAS DIGGING

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn

^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

My 7 year old daughter comes up with a lot of jokes. Most are terrible but occasionally she'll stumble upon gold like this one...

What is bread's favourite music?

Lo-fi

How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

old but gold

Just sat next to a bloke in the pub, he takes his wallet out and pulls a photo of his wife from it. He showed it to me and said, Isn't she stunning?

I replied, if you think she is stunning you should see my wife.

Why? Is she a model?

No, I replied, she's an optician.

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

Gold Bricking 101

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father, and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the...

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research...

Sigmund Freud was an Olympic Gold Medalist

He took home the medal for Mental Gymnastics.

This is Gold

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psy...

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They’ll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

I lost my gold bar.

Au man!

Why do Italian’s wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving!

What does a chemistry teacher says when gold bar fells on his/her feet?

Auuuuuuu!

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"

I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

Why did the mouse get a gold watch?

He had reached the age of ratirement.

Mansa Musa, the richest man ever to live, was riding through Egypt with his giant retinue. As a show of generosity, he gave gold (of which he had much) to random passerby. One such person was a Frenchman named Ed.

Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

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Today I heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

What algorithm does Amber Heard use to dig for gold?

Depp First Search.

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I made a compilation of my favorite 10 jokes from this sub. The first 9 are great but #10 is fucking gold.

1. Great

2. Great

3. Great

4. Great

5. Great

6. Great

7. Great

8. Great

9. Great

10. Fucking Gold.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

I bet you a month of Reddit gold that I can guess where you got your shoes, how many kids your father had, and what state you were born in.

You got your shoes on your feet.

You father didn't have kids your mother did.

And you were born in the state of infancy.

--------

Credits to a homeless dude sharing this with me.

How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

Czech guy caught a gold fish

Czech guy caught a gold fish and was given three wishes in return for its life.

-What do you want?, asked the little fish

-I want China to occupy Czechia and then to return home.

-OK and what is your second wish?

-I want China to occupy this country again and then return ...

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold

They’re calling it the Automic bomb

What do you call a dinosaur who lost their gold?

A dinosr

What's better than a Gold medal at the Paralympics

Two legs

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

Why do leprechauns not like fools gold?

Because it's a sham rock

What does gold eat to stay healthy?

Karats.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

Robin hood gave a poor man a bag of gold

“Here, poor man,” Robin hood smiled. “Take this bag of gold, I took it from a rich man.”

“Thank you so much!” The man said as he got a little teary. “Now I’m rich!”

Robin hood turned back to the man.

“You’re what?”

emos and goths should wear more gold

its pretty metal

Nathan Chen won the figure skating gold at the olympics over the weekend

The judges rated his performance a perfect Chen out of Chen

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

What if Thor become Gold Thor?

He will become an Author.

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

My wife is like precious gold to me.

That's why I buried her in the backyard.

Solid gold toilet.

I walked in on a man using a solid gold toilet.

"How many karats is that, sir?"

"None, but there is a lot of corn."

What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

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Two worms live together on a gold course.

First worm asks what’s the weather like? Second worm says he’ll check and starts making his way up the dirt.

Meanwhile, two lady golfers are on the course. First one has to piss. Second one says just do it right here, nobody’s around.

Meanwhile the worm goes to the dirt looks up and g...

Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to ...

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

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Nancy and the gold fish

Little Nancy is digging a hole in the back yard when her neighbor looks over the fence.

"What are you doing little girl?"

"My goldfish died, so I'm digging a hole to bury it."

The neighbor smiles:

"But isn't that hole a little big for a gold fish?"

"Not if it's ins...

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

Gold chains sound like a Christmas gift you'd get for a really really good slave

-Someone who worked on Norm Macdonald Has a Show

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

I just quit my job to focus on prospecting for gold

I'm just waiting to see how things pan out

Joke Request: Your momma jokes. Give me your best. I want to hear them all. Best joke gets reddit gold for two months.

Oh, and one rule for the gold: It cannot be a joke I have heard before. Makes it more interesting. ;)

**GAMERMAN85 IS IN THE LEAD. GOLD WILL BE AWARDED WHEN THREAD IS 72 HRS OLD AND AWARDED TO BEST JOKE AT THAT TIME**

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Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

What did the iron say to the gold when it tried to wake him up?

AU, get out of here!

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

Did you hear about the pioneer who headed west looking for gold?

It didn't pan out, so he moved to Ore-gon.

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

What is white and gold and black and blue?

A blonde in a physically abusive relationship.

See you guys in hell.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

What did the robber say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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