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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

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What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?

Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a gold mine?

A flat minor

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

The vault door exploded after the bank robber rigged it with explosives.

The bank robber exclaimed, "Wow. Thanks for the gold. I can't believe this actually blew up."

What do you call dinosaur without it’s gold?

A dinosr!

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?

Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind strangerr

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

There was once a man obsessed with gold.

He woke up in his golden bed,

put on his golden slippers and his golden robe,

and walked down his golden hallway, on his golden carpet, and into his golden bathroom.

He grabbed his golden mug,

filled it with normal water (which would be golden if he could), drank it,
<...

What does pure gold taste like?

Crunchy. Because it is comprised of 24 carrots.

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

Boudreaux won the gold medal in Olympic pirogue racing

His mama was so proud she had it bronzed.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

What happens if you laugh at a joke that doesn't have gold?

You lgh at it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

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Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Simon Townshend, Zak Starkey, Loren Gold and Jon Button opened the cages at a dog shelter, faciliating the animals' escape.

The Who let the dogs out.

Old gold

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

What's the worst part about owning a Corvette?

Trying to keep your chest hair from getting stuck in your gold chain.

I got beaten up by a piece of gold.

The teachers suspended it for bullion.

What did the slave owner said to his slave during the gold rush?

I wanna make you mine.

I was going to tell a joke about a gold mine

But everyone would just pick holes in it

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday.

I think he must be going soft in his old age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's that joke about Midas and Oedipus?

I know the punchline was mother fucking gold!

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

Silver walks up to gold at a bar and says

''Au, get outta here''

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

Two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...

...anybody know how to drive this thing?

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

What do you call a goldsmith workers union?

A gild

What did a gold bar say when he saw his other gold bar buddy.

Au

Digging for gold out here

I dig...
You dig...
He dig...
She dig...
We dig...
They dig...

Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are toilets made out of porcelain and not gold?

What, you think your shit deserves gold?

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought a...

How do you get gold’s attention?

“Aayyyy yoouuu!!”

An old but gold Soviet joke

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what's a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.

... for 20 seconds.

... And only once.

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

I went digging for gold but didn’t find anything

It was a miner frustration

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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