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Chemic Jokes

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's ...

I like my chemicals like I like my thoughts.

Compounding.

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

Remember, Chemically Speaking

Bourbon *is* a solution

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

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Me: Doc, I am pathologically afraid of chemical compounds.

Therapist: I may have a solution for this.

Me: Oh shit!!

I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit

It was a toxic environment

Which chemical element could be someones comic book fetish?

Manganese.

What’s seafarer’s favorite chemical equation?

.

NaCl(aq) + NaCl(aq)
———————————
. C^7


~~ Saline, saline, over the seven seas ~~

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory.

Factory Manager: "Have you worked with chemicals before?"

Paddy: "Yes!"

Factory Manager: "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"

Paddy: "I'm hoping it is going to be Time and Half."

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

Where do chemicals come from?

The chemistree.




yeah i wanna die

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer?

They way they pronounce unionized.

I asked my sciemce teacher what the chemical symbol for sodium was...

He said "Na"

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

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As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

In mother amarica you remove the polish with chemicals.

In fatherland germany we remove the Polish with chemicals.

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

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What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

What is satan's favourite chemical?

Carbon. because it has 6 protons 6 neutrons and 6 electrons

What's the chemical formula of ice?

Answer: H2OÂł

What is the most festive chemical compound?

3HO (ho ho ho)

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

Did you know my chemical romance doesn't use luggage check?

They said they'll carry on, they'll carry onnnnnnnn

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

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The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

Hey mate do you know what are the chemicals symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen?

Na BrO !

Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.

1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"

2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"

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A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

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I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of few chemicals.

Me: So, I'm afraid of hydroxyl groups.

Therapist: Oh.

Me: aaahhh...

Why do hypochondriacs make for good chemical catalysts?

They overreact to all external stimuli!

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

What do you call someone who says you can chemically bond Lithium and Argon?

Well, just ask them what the bond would be named.

Guys joking about chemical weapons isn't funny.

Syriasly.

What does My Chemical Romance and my dad have in common?

They're both never coming home

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

What is the chemical composition of banana?

Barium disodium

I'm a Chemical Engineer and I have some good Chemistry jokes.

... but I never get a good reaction.

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

I'm going on a date with a chemical engineer this week, what are some good chemisty/engineering jokes?

Best engineering joke I've heard:

A man is walking in a field when he notices a guy adrift in a hot air balloon with no fuel. Balloon guy shouts down "A little help here?"
The man on the ground looks up and shouts "You are in a hot air balloon with no fuel, you're about 20 feet off the gro...

What do you get when you cross Russian literature with balanced chemical equations?

Tolstoichiometry

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

Why are farmers, who take good inventory of their cows, so efficient at chemical reactions?

Because they have a cattle list.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

You know, the people saying that GMO's contain "chemicals" aren't wrong.

You just probably shouldn't tell them the entire Earth is made of the stuff.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

Boudreaux goes to the brand new chemical plant looking for a job...

Unfortunately the only job open is a chemical engineer. Boudreaux, who is not a chemical engineer, applies anyway and is asked to come in to take a test. He shows up and is shown into a room with another man.

They are given a test to take and both of them complete them pretty quickly.
...

I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate...

He said NaBrO3

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bright orange penis

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange.

The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pret...

What's the difference between Tide Pods and McDonald's?

One is full of dangerous chemicals that people keep eating for some reason, and the other gets your clothes clean.

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt...

A Sodium atom walked into a Bar.

Bartender: How may I serve you today?
Sodium: Nothing special just the basic stuff
Bartender: OH...
Sodium: Yes.


>!NaOH is a Basic Chemical!<

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

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