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Analyse Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

[OC] Little-known fact: in the 80's, the RAND Corporation built an AI to analyse marriage.

It whirred and buzzed for six months then spat out a short printed message:


"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

How about a nice game of global thermonuclear war?"
AI Image Generator

A mechanic, an engineer and a Microsoft developer are driving in the middle of nowhere

when a tire burst. They stop and check the trunk : no spare wheel.

The mechanic say: well, looks like we have to walk back to the last village we crossed and call a tow truck.

The engineer: wait a sec, we should not rush. Let’s analyse all our options and evaluate the probability of ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.

The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.

When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.

To his surprise...

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.

Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

The Fox Painting

I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art. It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.

But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn't feel right. As if there was still something m...

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.

He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldn’t find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back i...

An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe y...

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