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Check Up Jokes

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...

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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Took my cat to the vet. After a 20 minute check up, I got the bad news.

It's curiosity.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

Ruth went to her doctor for a check up

The doctor told her, "You have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."

When she arrived home, Ruth told her husband "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he said to me 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel....

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An elderly couple goes to annual check up together

During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining...

A man took his big dog to the vets for a check up. The vet checked the dog over, then picked him up, and said “yep, he’s got a cyst on his bum. I’m going to have to put him down”. The guy looked shell shocked “you’re putting him down because of a cyst!?”

“Err, no” said the vet “he’s really heavy”

I recently had a check up. They told me I had a cavity that really needed a filling.

So I’m looking for a new proctologist.

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A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

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I went for a testicle check up last week.

The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure."

I said, "I haven't got an erection.

She said "No, but I have".

A man is at the eye doctor to get a check up, his Doctor says “your results aren’t good”

The Man ask if he can I see them, the doctor says “probably not”

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A girl needs to go to her gynecologist for a check up.

She gets checked in and sits down on the table.

Doctor says "Alright, get naked and spread your legs." So she does and he starts to examine her.

The second he gets down there, she hears "Wow, you have a massive vagina! Wow, you have a massive vagina!"

She gets all offended an...

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An Old Man’s Health Check Up.

Doctor: Well everything seems to be fine, I guess this is the end of our appointment. See you next year...

Old Man: Wait! Doctor I have to ask you about a “plumbing” problem I have.

Doctor: Well than would you please elaborate than.

Old Man: Gladly. So the problem is I wiss lik...

Check up time.

I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.

How does the deaf gynecologist check up on his patients?

He reads lips

An 80yr old couple go to the doctors for a routine check up.

The doctor comes back with the results and says "Physically you are both fit as fiddles for your age. However mentally you are both beginning to lose it a bit. My suggestion for now is write things down when you think of them, that way you can keep on top of your to-do's".

So they go home, re...

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

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Check up at the doctors

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell to my husband".
The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to ha...

Annual Check-up

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked him how he knew that.
"Why," the old man...

The patient goes to the doctor for a check up

The doctor says "i see the problem here, your DNA is backwards."


The patient then replies "AND?"

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A woman goes in to see her doctor for a check up....

The doctor, after the examination, returns with the results

D: "Ma'am, you might want to sit down... It looks like you're pregnant"

W: "What?! That's impossible! I told you I haven't been sexually active in over a year!!"

D: "Yes Ma'am, that might be because it looks like you're...

Check up.

So a guy goes to the doctor to get his check up. He gets in there and the doctors looking him over and says "you're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" and the man asks why? The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

A man goes to a doctor for a check up

The man complained of being unable to use the toilet. The doctor knew what the problem was, but couldn't find the right word to tell him. He explained the situation to the man, who immediately responded with "constipation!". The doctor, stunned, exclaimed "You know what constipation is!" The man, af...

A man goes to the doctor to get a check up

He finds out that he has cancer. The man asks the doctor "how long do i have left to live?"
The doctor says "Five"
The man ask "five what?"
The doctor says "four, three, two...."

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Check up

I went for a health check-up the other day, the doctor said, 'you've got to stop masturbating' I said, 'Why?' He said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you'.

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An old man goes to the doctor for a check up...

The doc asks "is there anything concerning you?"

The old man replies "well, every morning at 4am sharp I need a pee. Then at 6am sharp I need a shit"

The doctor says "well it's great a man of your age is so regular, why are you worried"

The old man replies "but, I don't wake up ...

Annual Physical check up

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? W...

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An elderly couple visit the doctor for their check up...

The doctor says to the husband, " I will need a stool sample, a urine sample, a blood sample, and a semen sample."

The husband does not hear well asks several times for the doctor to repeat.

Finally the wife speaks up, "Oh honey, just give him your underwear! "

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I went to my yearly check up at the hospital...

My doctor asked me, "Did you ever smoke before?"

"Only after sex."

"But it says here that you're a virgin."

I replied, "Exactly."

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up.

Unless you’re at the ear doctor.

At a medical check up

Do you do dangerous sports?

Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

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A man is at the dentist for a check up

"You have terrible, terrible breath!" the dentist says.

"You should let your doctor check it out, this is really abnormal." he continues.

So the man goes to his doctor.

The doctor does a little examination of the man and says:

"Either you stop biting your nails or sto...

My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.

So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.

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A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.

Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?

Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.

The doctor reaches for his stethosc...

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A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

Got rejected by my dentist during a check up.

My fillings were hurt.

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A man goes to the doctors office for a check up with his wife once every 10 years

Every time he goes his wife sits in with him to make sure he listens to the doctor’s advice.

When the man is 30 the doctor comes in and asks him, do you drink, smoke or have sex? The man replies, “almost every day.” The doctor tells him to cut down on smoking or he’ll die of lung disease by 4...

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The pope has a check up with a doctor...

And the doctor tells him, "for the most part, you're in perfect health, but your prostate is inflamed and could develop into something real painful very soon."
"Okay well is there anything I can do to help that?" asks the pope.
"Yes," says the doctor eyeing him. "But it's going to be difficult...

Went to the doctor's the other day for a check up and told me i must stop eating bacon

As it brings me out in rashers

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I went in for a check up...

Everything seemed to be going fine. Then all of a sudden the doc stuck his finger up my butt! I freaked out a bit. Is this a normal part of the exam?

I'm thinking of finding a new dentist.

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A man went to the hospital for a check up...

A man went to the hospital for a checkup.

The doctor told him: "you've been smoking for twenty five years. You know, if you had saved the money you spent on cigarettes, you could buy a Maserati."

After hearing this, the man became slightly angry. He asked: "Doctor, do you smoke?"
<...

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Went for a check up at the doctor's office...

The doctor came to me and said, "You really need to stop masturbating."

I said, "Why doc, am I gonna go blind??"

Doctor replied, "No, you're disturbing my other patients."

A man goes to the doctor for a check up

After some tests the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's ...

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

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A son catches his dad fucking his mom one night. He gets told by his dad to go back to bed with a nervous laugh. Dad goes to check up on his son after sometime only to find him fucking his grandmother.

Son says: Not so funny when it's your mother innit?

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

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A man goes for a medical check up for his new job. He told his doctor not to be alarmed because he has 5 penises.

Doctor : how does your pant fit?!??

Man : like a glove

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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