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Cdc Jokes

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about...

It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.

Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

TV: “The CDC says to refrain from handshakes.”

Jeffrey Dahmer *stops blender*: “Awww man!”

CDC announces a new dye that turns coronavirus black

so police will kill it for us.

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

New York asked the CDC for 100,000 COVID test kits

"10,000 test kits?!" says the CDC, "We don't have 1,000 test kits! What do you need 100 test kits for? Here's 10 test kits, and split 'em with New Jersey."

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children.

Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with?

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

I've heard that if you drink 6 Coronas a night you can't get sick. I think it was the CDC.

You know, the Corona Distribution Center.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

Yo mamma's so fat that...

...when she got covid the CDC classified it a super spreader event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Covid Christmas carol

(Didnt know where else to post, remove if not allowed, got bored at home and this is result...)

[Chorus]
You better watchout,
You better stay inside,
You better go bulk buy,
And Im telling you why,
Cronavirus is coming to town

A mutating virus,
Its infecting twice,...

Yo mamma so ugly

The CDC recommends she continue to wear a mask after the pandemic is over.

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

Breaking news! Snow White down to six dwarves...

...Sneezy has been quarentined by the CDC

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

Who's on first...

Then the CDC, then the respective foreign ministers of Iran and Italy.

That will be the running order of the press conference

Ebola Plague

The CDC has confirmed that the recent Ebola outbreak is now the second disease in history to be known as the "black death".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uranus ( long )

Originally from Buck Buchanan 9 i just had to share) let the Uranus jokes come forth.............anyway....

“It's my understanding that the first six probes were recklessly plunged into Uranus at such excessively high speeds these early attempts only produced massively dense clouds of methane...

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