UPJOKE
syndromeviruscancerinfectionsymptomillnesspathogenmalarialeprosymaladysicknessgenetic disorderepidemicailmentacute

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Fuck diseases

Or as my doctor told me to call them, STIs

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I'm happy to say I am now free of all sexually transmitted diseases..

They are now called sexually transmitted infections.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

How can Homestuck Cosplayers teach us about diseases?

Assume a Homestuck cosplayer walks into a con, wearing body paint.

By the end of the con, everyone will walk out with that body paint on them in some way.

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

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