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Diseases Jokes

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

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Fuck diseases

Or as my doctor told me to call them, STIs

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

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I'm happy to say I am now free of all sexually transmitted diseases..

They are now called sexually transmitted infections.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

How can Homestuck Cosplayers teach us about diseases?

Assume a Homestuck cosplayer walks into a con, wearing body paint.

By the end of the con, everyone will walk out with that body paint on them in some way.

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

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