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Diseases Jokes

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

I don’t like diseases.

I avoid diseases like the plague.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!

What is the worst combination of 2 diseases simultaneously?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer's. You’re running, but you don’t know where to!

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

I'm programming software to raise awareness about diseases..

McCoughy Antivirus

Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while sh...

How can Homestuck Cosplayers teach us about diseases?

Assume a Homestuck cosplayer walks into a con, wearing body paint.

By the end of the con, everyone will walk out with that body paint on them in some way.

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

The worst mix of diseases?

Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.

I made a YouTube video on diseases...

It went viral.

WebMD just released the entire catalog of human diseases...

* cancer
* flu

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

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