UPJOKE
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Vaccine Jokes

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...
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I already got vaccinated with the Russian COVID-19 vaccine

And I can təll you not to woяяy! I still doи't seə anч sidə efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды
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How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.
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I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP
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I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.
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Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
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President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...
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What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults
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Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot
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So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for...

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for Covid-19. It's been kept very, very quiet for security reasons. I received my first shot and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, чт...
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Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!
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Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.
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Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.
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I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.
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The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a co...
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Johnny Depp refuses to get another dose of the vaccine

He says he now has Heard immunity
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My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
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Did you hear the one about the vaccine?

Personally, I didn't get it, but the one about polio had me rolling on the floor.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses
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After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
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I posted my anti-covid-vaccine views in r/changemyview...

I was rewarded with a delta.
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After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"
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Chuck Norris got the COVID vaccine

The vaccine is now immune to everything
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I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.
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“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”
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I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.
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Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”
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A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...
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Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.
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I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.
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I found out how vaccines cause autism,

Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
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Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions

Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins
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Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Covid Vaccine?

Just been up town and there’s a bloke near Oxford Circus with a suitcase selling COVID 19 vaccines. £2 each or three for a Pfizer.
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Covid vaccine is not safe

My friend had gotten both his doses. Still died when he fell off the 19th floor.
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What vaccine do hippies get?

Astral Zeneca.
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Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...
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Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot
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Vaccine Warning!

This happened yesterday and is important information for the boomer age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should...
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COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...
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What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.
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Wondering how anti-vaxxers feel about a coronavirus vaccine...

...I bet they're dying for it.
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Dolly Parton has invested $1m in the Moderna covid vaccine

It's working 9 to 5 perecent of the time, what a way to keep us living
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TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2
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I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.
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What is rapper Eminem's favorite vaccine?

J and J, cause you only get one shot!
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Finally got the vaccine

I got the vaccine and I started having side effects. My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. I looked down and there was vomit on my sweater, my mom's spaghetti. I turned to the doctor and asked if I could get the second dose right then and he replied, "You only get one shot"
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Got my second vaccine shot today

And man are these side effects weird. First, every sign I looked at kept saying “restart to apply updates” so I took a nap and now my paper clips keep asking me how they can help
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[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.
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I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound
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Russia claims to have found a coronavirus vaccine...

I'm not putin that in my body!
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God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choice of vaccine

The choice of vaccine must be made with care.

"Grandma, what vaccine would you like to do?"

"I'm waiting for Johnson & Johnson, I was already using shampoo and I was always happy"

"Grandpa and you?"

"Me Pfizer, I was already using Viagra and your grandmother alway...

There is a new vaccine against stupidity.

But anti-vaxxers don't get it.
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My girlfriend is getting the covid vaccine

She was worried about bill gates tracking us. I said don't worry, he's been watching us for years anyway through the windows.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The vaccine really pissed me off after I got it...

They gave me the 4g chip instead of the 5g one!

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic
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I just had my Covid vaccine.

The chip feels a bit lumpy and I have this permanent urge to buy Microsoft licenses.

On the upside, my 5G is full bars now.
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Accidently signed up for the Krona vaccine

Now I've lost my Swedish bank account
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You should get the Kansas City Vaccine

Then you won’t catch anything.
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My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where's all the Pfizer Vaccine/Viagra jokes?

I'd have figured they'd risen by now... ??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out I qualify for the Pfizer Vaccine!

Apparently if you buy more than 20,000 Viagra a year you're a preferred customer, and get a free dose.

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.
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I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today

I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects. This thing is completely safe.

In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Pfizer announced the Covid-19 vaccine

Having also created Viagra, we can fully rely on a company that was able to raise the dead, to cure the living.

Apple announced that they are releasing a Covid vaccine

It will come in two doses, they'll call it the Steve Jabs
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How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!
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Vaccines are a gateway drug.

To concerts and air travel.
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I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.
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So I got my first covid vaccine shot today

Afterwards, I ran into a friend and told him about it.


He replied: Huh, you took the vaccine shot?

Me: Uhm yes, why wouldn't I?

Him: I thought you were an anti-vaxxer?

Me: What, no. Why would you think that?

Him: Well most morons are...
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I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.
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Anti vaccine dads are smart

Cause they only do eight years of child-support instead of 18
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Why did Dolly Parton help fund the COVID-19 vaccine?

So that we'd all get back to working 9 to 5.
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