The Taliban has promised they WILL require a Covid Vaccine Pass

\- from all individuals who are seeking to attend public executions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

"Son, what are you doing in there?"

"Injecting some heroin!"

"Ah, ok, I thought you were getting a vaccine or something..."

Two lab rats are talking…

One says “Are you going to get that vaccine?” The other says “Are you crazy? They haven’t even finished the human trials yet!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine. Don't forget they make Viagra?

If they can raise the dead, they can save the living.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

A man comes home for his nutritionist appointment.

He tells his wife, "These doctors need to get their act together. This one told me stay away from chips, but the other one told me to get the vaccine."

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

I decided to shoot up a bunch of kids today

I always feel so good giving out free coronavirus vaccines…

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

The real truth about vaccines

I got vaccinated as a kid. As a result, I'm now starting to gray and bald. My balding got so bad I had to shave my head. I've also gained weight. Because of vaccines I have started aging instead of dying as a baby.

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

My friend at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and said he didn't feel too good the next day

I told him, "What do you expect from taking two Johnsons at once?"

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

The only people who don't have to get the vaccine are cops. . .

Because they have qualified immunity.

Gonna dress up as a vaccine this Halloween

since everyone is afraid of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

How do you identify an anti-vaccine among 100 persons?

Natural selection

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I had my second vaccine jab today. But they put it my leg.

Now my Phizer hurting me.

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

I'm getting the John Prescott vaccine.

Two jabs.

Why does Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?

You only get one shot…

I think the vaccine is making me magnetic!

When I put a piece of tape on my skin it stuck to me!

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

So I got my first covid vaccine shot today

Afterwards, I ran into a friend and told him about it.


He replied: Huh, you took the vaccine shot?

Me: Uhm yes, why wouldn't I?

Him: I thought you were an anti-vaxxer?

Me: What, no. Why would you think that?

Him: Well most morons are...

I tried to tell a covid vaccine joke to some anti-vaxxers...

But they didn't get it.

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

I just had my Covid vaccine.

The chip feels a bit lumpy and I have this permanent urge to buy Microsoft licenses.

On the upside, my 5G is full bars now.

A vaccine has been released for the Indian coronavirus variant

It’s called the Punjab

The one rat asked the other rat if he’s had the vaccine?

Nope, they’re still testing it on humans

Let’s see how that goes

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

Vaccines are a gateway drug.

To concerts and air travel.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Over 99.99% of People that Took the Vaccine for the 1920 Spanish Flu Have Passed away.

Very Sus, Not gonna lie.

I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine

But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!

My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.

With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!

It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!

A new vaccine has been developed to prevent fox from contracting rabies. Not many are getting the shot though. Only one...

Fox in eight

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

Scientists are working on a vaccine for the Indian variant...

They’re calling it the Pun Jab.

True Story: My wife took my 15 year old daughter to get her 1st...

Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they tha...

I tried to come up with a good vaccine joke but what's the point.

Half of Americans won't get it anyways.

What did Alexander Hamilton say when Aaron Burr mocked him for getting the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?

I am not throwing away my shot

They say “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.

That’s why I’m raiding this vaccine warehouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

Why is there global chip shortage?

Because it all went into vaccines.

A sandwich walks into a bar

A sandwich walks into a bar and he asks for a lager. The barman tells him sorry but we don’t serve food here.

(The dude who works at the vaccine centre is waking around telling everyone dad jokes while they wait after their vaccine and it’s great.)

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today

I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects. This thing is completely safe.

In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

A remix of a classic

A fellow was ~~stuck on his rooftop in a flood~~ going about his regular business in the middle of a pandemic. He was praying to God ~~for help~~ to keep him safe.

Soon a man ~~in a rowboat~~ with a Pfizer vaccine came by and the fellow shouted to the man, "~~Jump in~~Roll up your sleeve, I c...

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where's all the Pfizer Vaccine/Viagra jokes?

I'd have figured they'd risen by now... ??

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters?

....



Because the P is silent.
(a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)

Two mice meet

"Yo Mickey, long time no see. Did you get the Corona vaccine?"
"What!? ...Are you crazy, Jerry!? They are not done testing on humans"

These Britishers are great !!

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in...

With all the demand, my girlfriend was skeptical about calling a pharmacy to see if she could get a vaccine.

I told her she should still try, it may be worth a shot.

Just got my covid vaccine and I’m really feeling it...

I’m really glad that guy behind Walmart had a few extra shots

my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability

not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection

I’m glad the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only administered once...

...I don’t think I want two shots to the Johnson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choice of vaccine

The choice of vaccine must be made with care.

"Grandma, what vaccine would you like to do?"

"I'm waiting for Johnson & Johnson, I was already using shampoo and I was always happy"

"Grandpa and you?"

"Me Pfizer, I was already using Viagra and your grandmother alway...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out I qualify for the Pfizer Vaccine!

Apparently if you buy more than 20,000 Viagra a year you're a preferred customer, and get a free dose.

Accidently signed up for the Krona vaccine

Now I've lost my Swedish bank account

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.