UPJOKE
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an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?

Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like the Covid vaccine

Less than 20 seconds long and the next shot is after 6 weeks

Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

The Taliban has promised they WILL require a Covid Vaccine Pass

\- from all individuals who are seeking to attend public executions.

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for...

So I volunteered for the Russian Vaccine Trial for Covid-19. It's been kept very, very quiet for security reasons. I received my first shot and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, чт...

What Johnny Depp needs is not a vaccine…

He needs Heard Immunity.

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.

Apparently being a republican isn’t an acceptable medical condition.

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.

What can you say that’s reassuring for a child getting a vaccine, but disappointing for your wife?

“You’re just going to feel a tiny prick; it’ll be over in a few seconds.”

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.

Two lab rats are talking… One says “Are you going to get that vaccine?”

The other says “Are you crazy? They haven’t even finished the human trials yet!”

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Catholics have been lobbying for vaccine exemptions

Because theres nothing more catholic than someone else dying for your sins

What vaccine do hippies get?

Astral Zeneca.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

√2, π, and -1 were having a discussion about vaccine science

It escalated into an argument and -1 was getting frustrated that his explanations were just being ignored by the others.

"This is impossible. Neither of you are listening to me." he said.

Then π asked him, "Why do you have to be *negative* all the time?"

"Forget it," said -1 as ...

I posted my anti-covid-vaccine views in r/changemyview...

I was rewarded with a delta.

My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”

I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.

Covid vaccine is not safe

My friend had gotten both his doses. Still died when he fell off the 19th floor.

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

What is rapper Eminem's favorite vaccine?

J and J, cause you only get one shot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The vaccine really pissed me off after I got it...

They gave me the 4g chip instead of the 5g one!

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

Why I won’t take the Covid Vaccine

The first smallpox vaccine came out in 1796 and 100% of the recipients are dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

People said I was crazy for getting mixed vaccines

But I like to think of myself as a Modern-izer

Release the vaccine in vape form.

I promise you no one will ask what’s in it at that point.

I had my second vaccine jab today. But they put it my leg.

Now my Phizer hurting me.

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine. Don't forget they make Viagra?

If they can raise the dead, they can save the living.

The one rat asked the other rat if he’s had the vaccine?

Nope, they’re still testing it on humans

Let’s see how that goes

My girlfriend is getting the covid vaccine and was worried about bill gates tracking us.

I said don't worry he's already been watching us for years through the windows.

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

Johnson and Johnson have asked the FDA to approve a booster shot for their vaccine. What's in it, you ask?

The Pfizer vaccine.

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

I finally convinced my hillbilly friend to get a Covid vaccination, but he doesn’t want Moderna.

He says, “ just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80s don’t mean she knows how to make a vaccine!”.

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

No one ever listens to me about vaccines.

I have heard immunity.

I bought Pfizer years ago and was so excited to earn millions when they announced their COVID vaccine...

Oops.... Turns out I bought Pfizer Total Landscaping instead. Oh well. Maybe I could rent the place out for a news conference?

I tried to come up with a good vaccine joke but what's the point.

Half of Americans won't get it anyways.

Scientists are working on a vaccine for the Indian variant...

They’re calling it the Pun Jab.

I just had my Covid vaccine.

The chip feels a bit lumpy and I have this permanent urge to buy Microsoft licenses.

On the upside, my 5G is full bars now.

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

Why do anti-vaccine marches avoid bridges?

Because the marchers are so dense the bridge may not hold.

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out I qualify for the Pfizer Vaccine!

Apparently if you buy more than 20,000 Viagra a year you're a preferred customer, and get a free dose.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

I saw a lady protesting at the capital grounds with a sign that read " vaccines contain aborted fetus' "

I couldn't believe it, how can she be protesting something like that I thought.

I marched right up to her and said "you think that's bad? Johnson and Johnson makes organic baby oil"

So I got my first covid vaccine shot today

Afterwards, I ran into a friend and told him about it.


He replied: Huh, you took the vaccine shot?

Me: Uhm yes, why wouldn't I?

Him: I thought you were an anti-vaxxer?

Me: What, no. Why would you think that?

Him: Well most morons are...

Accidently signed up for the Krona vaccine

Now I've lost my Swedish bank account

What did Alexander Hamilton say before he got his COVID vaccine?

I am not throwing away my shot.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Why did Dolly Parton help fund the COVID-19 vaccine?

So that we'd all get back to working 9 to 5.

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