The new Pi variant of COVID-19 is so infectious...

you'll need to keep at least 3.1416 m apart.

She said I have an infectious smile

I smiled and now she has urine infection.

A woman told me “Your laughter is infectious!”

“So, stay under quarantine for 2 more weeks”

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Warning: When I came back from a walk this morning I realised I might have touched something infectious,

so I duly scrubbed and washed. Then I noticed that my hand had turned bright red and was feeling really hot. What was worse, each of my fingers had grown two little horns on the top. I tell you, that's the last time I'm using that hand sataniser.

“Doctor, I believe that love is infectious”

“Indeed, that’s why you have gonorrhea”

Have you heard the joke about the non-infectious disease?

I didn't get it.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

Why did the girl fall in love with the zombie?

She said he was just so infectious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

An infectious disease enters a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." It replies, "Well, your not a very good host."

It isn't mine, my doctor told me this one

So you've probably heard

So you've probably heard the Brazilian variant of COVID is a bit more infectious than what we have here up north.

Don't worry, I hear things are going to clear up a lot down south when they get a Brazilian Vax.

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

You may not like it at first, but it grows on you later.

What's a creature with a hundred legs, crawls, is ugly and has infectious diarrhoea?



Dysentrypede

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

What did the audience say about the virologist's set at the comedy club?

He had an infectious sense of humor, but needed to work on telling his jokes at a less feverish pace.

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