The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

An photon was walking through customs, and gets stopped by a TSA officer

The woman says “where are your bags?”
The photon replies “I’m traveling light”

Why does TSA like to hire dentists as supervisors?

They are already experts in performing cavity searches.

I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

They must have thought I was a taroist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

A recent study has shown TSA random searches are in fact random

After hundreds of hours of observation at dozens of airports researchers were able to say with a high degree of confidence that TSA searches are applied randomly. The frequency of brown skinned men entering the line was highly variable and had no discernible pattern.

I turned myself in to TSA today for past issues with my mom

I apparently misunderstood what they meant by unattended baggage

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

Why was the vulture stopped by TSA?

Because carrion wasn’t allowed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn’t the elephant get through TSA?

Because it’s a fucking elephant

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

Job offered: joined the exciting field of TSA

Title: TSA inspections officer

Location: Florida

Starting date: Immediately

Pay: Eventually

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

The TSA is like a paper toilet seat cover

They probably don't actually do anything, and experts say they don't really make us safer, but do you really want to sit on a public toilet (or plane) without them?

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

Why do dentists make the worst TSA agents?

They're always trying to do a cavity search

I’m not sure why TSA agents tackled me at the airport.

All I did was say hi to my friend Jack.

What is the name of the TSAs mascot?

Frisky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oprah Winfrey was busted by TSA at O'Hare airport today with 40 pounds of crack.

They let her go because it just turned out to be her vagina.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The TSA has lifted a law banning sexual acts on public airlines.

When it comes to what people want; they finally started giving a flying fuck.

The TSA just announced they're banning erasers on flights.

They're capable of math destruction.

What do you call engaged melons on the TSA watchlist?

Cantaloupe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate people who take drugs.

Like the police, the DEA and the TSA.

Assholes.

Arrested at the airport

I’m a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me “are you here for business or pleasure”
I responded “I’m here for the new 911”

Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent?

Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate.

The TSA was like "Damn how did you get out of Iraq?"

Iran

I got some major amputations before getting on a plane.

I didn’t want to be armed going through TSA.

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

Now that the Xray machine at the airport shows genital size,

I'm having to tell the TSA agents that it was cold outside a whole lot more.

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I know everyone..." was on Bill's resume.

Was on Bill's resume when he applied for his new job. His manager, Dave, impressed by everything else made a comment.
Dave: "Surely, you dont know EVERYONE."
Bill retorts: " I do infact know everyone."
Dave asks smugly: "Even the President of the U.S.?"
Bill nonchalantly pulls out his ph...

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." ...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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A man was flying to Finland for a vacation.

He packed his bag and went to the airport; as he was going through security, he was asked what he had in his bag.

"Just some clothing, a camera, some hiking gear, and a camp knife."

"Sir," replied the TSA agent, "I need you to step to the back of the line."

The man was going to ...

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Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

Two friends are looking for their car key.

Nick and Nick had been friends since childhood. The first Nick had lived in his hometown, Thyme, and the second lived in New York. They were visiting Nick from New York's family for Christmas, and had a plane to catch in 3 hours, and they were desperate to try and find it. After 2 grueling hours of ...

Who are the greatest philosophers today?

The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"

So a vulture is in line to board a plane...

and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."

So this happened

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically. I headed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

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