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Causes Jokes

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor whether masturbation causes poor eyesight.

He said: “you’re in Walmart Sir”

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to...

I went to a website about causes of obesity.

A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

Man: He died of natural causes

Judge: You pushed him off a building

Man: Gravity is natural

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

What causes dry skin?

Towels!

Instagram models’ beauty is so intense, it causes

Reality to bend around them

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then...

You probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr Who.

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

What are the causes of climate change?

The climate changes when it gets tired of wearing the same old clothes.

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what causes autism?

No you don't. Neither does a fucking antivaxxer!

Everyone keeps saying 5G causes COVID-19

I'm getting sick of all this phony news.

Suspect: I’m innocent! He died of natural causes.

Police: There was clear evidence that you pushed him off the roof.

Suspect: Well, gravity is natural.

I think saying nani causes hearing loss

Every time I ask somebody what nani means they always reply with “what?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness."

Son replys "Dad I'm over here."

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

Obesity causes a major public health concern.

There’s a growing body of literature on that.

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read that heavy alcohol consumption causes severe liver damage. That scared the crap out of me.

So I've given up reading completely.

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

What kind of food causes you to breathe fire when you're sleepy?

A filet mignon

Celebrities keep dying over minor causes.

Petty deaths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know what STD causes blurry genitals...

But Japan seems to have an epidemic of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Using what sexual position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby?

I don't know, ask your mom.

Hugh Hefner Peacefully Passed Away From Natural Causes Today.

Playmate Natural Causes could not be reached for comment.

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

My mother died suddenly from natural causes.

I strangled her with kelp.

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

After hearing that Diarrhea causes the most deaths...

I realized I'm next. Diarrhea's hereditary, and it runs in my genes.

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

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