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Captain Kirk Jokes

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear

What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?

Pe-Kahn!!!!!!

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

what do Marie Kondo and Captain Kirk have in common?

They both love saving space

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Captain Kirk only have sex with virgins?

He boldly goes where no man has gone before.

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Why did Captain Kirk’s girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

Why did Captain Kirk’s chicken cross the road?

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before

What did Spock find in Captain Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log

What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?

A leper Khan.

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day?

Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

What is Captain Kirks most hated pie?

Pe-KHAAAAAAANNN!

Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut?

Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

The thing about captain Kirk's women's underwear not being a great sales gimmick.

Shatner panties didn't catch on

What is Captain Kirk's least favorite movie genre?

Romulan-coms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common?

They both wipe away Klingons from Uranus

What is Captain Kirk's favorite brand of paper products?

Scott

[NSFW] Why was Captain Kirk banned from brothels around the universe?

Because one time, he took a hooker and shatner.

I'm so sorry, I know its bad but I had to get it out of my head.

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?

William Shat-on-her

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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