Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

I like my lawn like Captain Kirk likes his women.

Thick, lush, soft, and green.

Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Why did Captain Kirk’s chicken cross the road?

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Why does Captain Kirk’s wife smell?

Because William Shatner

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his line of ladies underwear...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" probably wasn't the best name choice.

The thing about captain Kirk's women's underwear not being a great sales gimmick.

Shatner panties didn't catch on

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

What did Spock find in Captain Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day?

Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?

A leper Khan.

Hey Captain Kirk, who's your most productive officer?

That would be Pavel - any task I give him, he'll quickly Chekov.

What is Captain Kirks most hated pie?

Pe-KHAAAAAAANNN!

What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite type of nut?

Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Did you hear about Captain Kirk's lingerie line?

it went bust.

No one wanted to wear shatner panties.

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What is Captain Kirk's favorite brand of paper products?

Scott

[NSFW] Why was Captain Kirk banned from brothels around the universe?

Because one time, he took a hooker and shatner.

I'm so sorry, I know its bad but I had to get it out of my head.

What is Captain Kirk's least favorite movie genre?

Romulan-coms

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

a LepreKHAAAAAAN!

What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?

William Shat-on-her

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

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