I wonder if Jared from Subway is still staying trim in prison...

I mean he’s still probably getting a foot-long everyday

I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high..

She looked surprised.

Me and my wife always see to it that our mantelpieces are neatly trimmed..

...ever since we left Sean Connery to fend for himself in the raging forest fire. As we fled we could hear him screaming: "Oh good! Remember to shave your shelves!!"

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

I work at a barber shop and i recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut,

Everyone look suprised.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before.

So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No but I know exactly where I am."

"You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!" Say...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

My barber trimmed my beard as they were ending the business day.

It was a close shave.

Where does a book go to get a trim?

Paper Clips.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

I love a girl with a trimmed bush....

Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night.

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[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.

"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"

"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, e...

Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up?

To make sure it’s presentable.

One day a blonde went to the hairdresser...

The blonde ordered a trim but insisted that she absolutely could not take off the headphones she was wearing. The hairdresser declined and kicked her out of his barber shop.The blonde kept repeating the same request at different hairdresser’s until one finally agreed. As she was getting her trim the...

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Three Dogs are in kennels at the vet. A mutt, a chihuahua, and a lab.

"What are you in for?" The mutt asks the Chihuahua.

"I've been humping the master's leg too much so they sent me here to get fixed." Says the chihuahua. "What about you?"

"I knocked up the poodle next door. She's a purebred with papers so the neighbors are suing my family. I'm here t...

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The world needs better terms...

Like who called it 'beard trimming and hair cutting' and not ladscaping?

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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

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A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”

The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your ...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.

Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.

After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry...

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

The 41st US president hired a barber for his family

His job was to trim the bushes

Political Joke

My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, If you were President what wo...

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A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasn’t returned!

Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Pol...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

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A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year ol...

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At Pirate boot camp

BOATSWAIN: "That concludes orientation. Any questions?"

ME: (raises rubber hook hand) "Why do they call it trimming the mainsail? Why not mast abating?"

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

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A wise old man walks out his door one morning to sip his coffee and take in the dawn of a new day.

As he adjusts his view towards the street he sees a boy pulling a wagon with something in it in the direction of town.

He addresses the boy and asks "young man, what do you have in your wagon this morning?".

The boy replies "it's chicken wire sir."

Man "well what are you going t...

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A Great Dane, German Shepard and Chihuahua are in the waiting room of the Vets office.

They start talking, comparing why they are there. The German Shepard says that when the mailman came to deliver mail, he bit him thinking he was protecting his masters property. Says he is being brought in to be put down. Next the chihuahua says that his master and wife had a newborn child and he en...

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

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Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

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The wife told me she was taking the dog to the vets tomorrow...

Because every time I am out of the house and she bends over it tries to have sex with her. I said you cant have him put down because of that, she replied who said anything about getting him put down, I am getting his nails trimmed.

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Two dogs at the vet

One a poodle the other a great dane start chatting. Great dane asks the poodle why he's at the vet, poodle replies that he was feeling a bit frisky that morning and seeing the family cat decided to jump on it and give it a good humping. Now his owner has brought him here to be castrated. And why are...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus...no wonder mum never has sex with you."

Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question.

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" ...

[RIDICULOUSLY LONG] So a Buddhist monk goes to a barber to get his head shaved...

A Buddhist monk walks into a barber shop to get his head shaved, and the barber greets him. Taking the implication, the barber prepares the lather and does a fine job shaving the monk's head down to the last hair.

When the monk offers him some cash for the deed, the barber refuses, saying, "F...

3 dogs at the vet.

First one says to the second "What are you in for?" He replies "I like to chase cars, but yesterday I caused an accident which killed someone, so they're going to put me down." Second dog asks the first "So what are you in for?" First replies. "I was at home the other day, sitting on the back porch ...

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3 dogs meet at the vet...

There was 3 dogs at the vets and they got talking , one dog says to the other why are you here , he says ah I bark too much for my owner so she is going to put me to sleep and then says tell me why are you here and the second dog says , yeh pretty similar situation I chewed her red shoes so that's w...

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I asked my wife if she liked my hair in a ponytail.

"No," she said. "Just trim your fucking pubes."

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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So this girl goes with her dad to the barber...

and while he is getting a trim she is sitting on the floor eating a twinkie. The barber looks at her and says, "Sweetie, you're going to get hair all over your twinkie!"

The girl looks up and says, "I know! And I'm going to get boobs too!"

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I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

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Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: “Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I’d lov...

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Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian's office...

One of the dogs looks at the other. "So, what are you here for?"

&nbsp;

The other dog looks back. "Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I...Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master's shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And......

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

A female dwarf goes to a doctor......

........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt...

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3 Dogs are sitting in a Vet's office...

3 dogs are in the waiting room at a Vet's office.

One dog asks another, "what are you here for?"

The dog replies, "I'm a chewer. I chew furniture, I chew the kids toys, I chew my own ass. So they're gonna put me on Doggy Prozac"

He asks the first dog, "what are you here for?"...

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A rabbi works for 30 years performing circumcisions

all the while keeping the "trimmings" in a jar. When he retires he brings this enormous jar to the leather tanner's and asks the tanner to make him something out of it, "anything!" The leather tanner tells him to come back in a week.

A week later the rabbi shows up, and the leather tanner sla...

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My girlfriend said I was stupid for taking unnecessary risks.

At least I think that's what she said. I was too busy trimming my pubes with a chainaw at the time.

.

An Irishman was walking home when he saw a sign offering employment, he quickly ran home to tell his two brothers, as they were all looking for jobs.

'Quick lads, I've found a place that'll take us all on' he told them.

They made their way back to the place where he'd seen the sign and...

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?"

The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely."

The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered."

The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible...

3 dogs are in a vet's office

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the hou...

Horse problems

A classic I first heard from my grandpa.

Rufus and Ludgate, a couple of rather rural neighbors, each decided to buy a horse one summer. Since they were neighbors, they decided it made sense to pasture the horses together in the same field. Before turning them loose, they talked about how to t...

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me....

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a clean and timeless blonde joke for the whole family

A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
The third time she comes out, th...

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A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. T...

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A pirate come back from sea...

He stops at the barber for a trim on his beard. The barber is aghast at the sight of the pirate.
Barber : What happened to you??? When you left you were fine but now look at you!!
Pirate: Whaddaya mean to say?
Barber: You got a wooden leg now, when you left you had both legs...
Pirate: ...

A man like me is hard to find.

I trim maze hedges.

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A rottweiler, a poodle, and a german shepherd are sitting at the vet...

The German shepherd turns to the poodle. "So, why are you here?"

The poodle hangs his head. "My master left me in the house for a whole day, so I couldn't help it, I had to go on the floor! He's kind of a prick, so he's putting me down."

The two other dogs shake their heads. The poodl...

A lady was showing her dog.....

A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having the best dog in the show, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after the show and asked him why her dog wasn't coming in first place.
"Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between...

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The woman next to me on this roller-coaster won't stop screaming and shouting.

It's like she's never seen a man trimming his pubes before!

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5 Year Old Girl

A young family with a 5 year old girl moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The 5 year old naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

E...

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A blonde wearing large headphones walks into a hair salon

and sits down in the barber's chair. She asks for a quick trim, and the barber gets to work.

After a minute or two, the barber needs to remove the headphones to continue, and tries asking the woman to take them off. She cannot hear him, so he gives up and takes them off without permission - n...

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