How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America.

She actually got whirled peas.

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix

There once was a girl named Sally

Who enjoyed the occasional dally

She sat on the lap

Of a well-endowed chap

And cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water.

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

Dentist: You need a crown

Patient: Finally somebody who understands me

Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned.

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

The king of animals

So a sheep had a big house in the middle of nowhere. After some time she noticed some pigs wandering around and they asked to move in for a week or two, they promised the sheep that during those two weeks they'll help her build a small cottage she wanted right next to her house. As they were buildin...

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

My mate has just won an award for beating another 12 men in a bait digging contest.He has now been crowned.

The master baiter.

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

What do you call a guy who only wears a loincloth and a crown of thorns?

A cross-dresser

The crown prince of Saudi Arabia is talking with his counselors.

One of them asks, "What are your current plans?" The prince says, "I'm going to starve to death a few hundred thousand people in Yemen and dismember one journalist." The counselor asks, "Why the journalist?" "See, no one cares about the people in Yemen."

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How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Queen Elizabeth II has some advice for wearing a crown...

"One mustn't let it go to one's head!"

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Wants to Get to the Truth of the Khashoggi Murder

He's hired OJ to track down the real killers.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Roses are red, The Queen wears a crown...

...Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down!

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating

I peaked early.

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The Pretzel hold

For years, there has been the champ, and nobody has been able to beat him because of his "pretzel hold". Eventually, this wrestler was good enough to beat the champ, except for the pretzel hold. He got his chance, and took to the ring. Within Minutes, he was slammed into the Pretzel hold, and the cr...

After carefully examining me for 10 minutes, the dentist said I need a crown...

I was like, "I know, right?"

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The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I cha...

Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

to protect her crown.

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

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A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

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American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown, this is a historic moment...

It's been 37 years since someone owned horse semen this valuable.

Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown?

He was looking for Finger Prince.

(Say it out loud if you don't get it.)

My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

If Trump took part in a beauty peagent, he would be crowned Miss.....

..... interpretation

What did the court jester call the balding crown prince?

The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.

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Two guys walk into a bar

One guy orders a crown and coke. The bar tender hands him a apple. Guy says I ordered a crown and coke not a apple. Bartender says, “try it”. He bites one side of apple and says “damn that tastes like crown.” Bartender says “turn it around.” Guy turns apple around and takes a bite “damn that t...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

My dads favorite joke (long)

A rabbit is hopping along the woods one day, minding his own business, when he comes across a little village.

He hears laughing and general good humor echoing from the little town so he decides to investigate.

The rabbit hides behind a little bush and what he finds he almost can’t ex...

A Royal Dentist Joke

Two peasants are having a chat and one says "Why did the king go to the dentist's?"
The other peasant, confused, says "no I don't, please tell me"
The first peasant then hits him with "to get his teeth crowned!"

Why Trump will not pardon turkey this year?

Because it snitched on Saudi Arabia's crown prince

To determine once and for all whose superior, God sets Satan and Jesus up with a little contest.

“You will have 12 hours to do the most mundane human task ever,” God starts, “work on a computer! You will create spreadsheets and documents and the like. I will crown the winner!”

With that, Jesus and Satan furiously begin typing away. God keeps their coffee full and rubs their shoulders to ...

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A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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A 30 year old man has had a headache for 15 years

He goes to the doctor to see about it. His doctor says “I’ve only heard of this once before, the only solution was to cut off your penis”

The man says “oh wow, can I think it over for a couple days before the procedure”

The doctor says “of course”

The man goes home and thinks a...

A priest and a lawyer

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.

Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.

"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new ...

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head.

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy hi...

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The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I...

There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.

There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.

At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy ...

[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"

The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"

The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. N...

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A traveling salesman is passing through a small town.

He sees a sign for a circus. At the bottom it says “See the amazing Goldstein”. He has some time to kill, so he figures what the hell and stops in. It’s the usual dog and pony show until the very end, when there’s a drum roll, the lights go out, and a single spot shows a table in the center ring w...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

All lives begin...

...with a crowning achievement.

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

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Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

I understand why Jesus was crucified

But the crown of thorns is a real head scratcher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a vegetable and a berry?

i can't vegetable my dick so far in your ass whoever could pull it out would be crowned king arthur

[Blonde] Two blondes arrive at St. Peter...

...and he promises to forgive all sins and enter Paradise only to the one who answers the question correctly. Sv. Peter asked first blonde to tell him what was Easter. The first blonde said, I know, I know ... It's that holiday on the winter, when we decorate a christmas tree in the house and celebr...

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: "Contest for World's Most Beautiful Woman." Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: "Contest for World's Strongest Man." Superman goes in, later comes out ...

To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened..

The Dentist told her she needs a crown.

My friend John went to a psychic

He was really skeptical about it at first but seeing his friends getting happier after seances he decided to give it a try. Next day he finally met the psychic. She was a woman in her mid thirties wearing some kind of rags and a crown made out of plastic. She got out a crystal ball and started looki...

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A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.

F...

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So a guy walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and says."I'll take a Vegas Bomb, Crown and Redbull please."

So the bartender, puts an apple on the bar before him. Confused the man looks at the bartender wondering if this is some kind of joke. Before he can ask, the bartender already knows to explain.

"...

The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident.

The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

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A village of glass houses...

There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who li...

Princess Diana goes to heaven...

Princess Diana goes to heaven and meets St. Peter. He says to her: Here in heaven we are all equal, so you need to take off the crown. She replies: This is not a crown, it's a rim

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

Tinfoil: Viserys Targaryen is a hipster.

He wore a crown before it was cool.

A scientist travels back in time to ancient Babylonia to see the beauty of the Hanging gardens...

...after trying to impress the King by demonstrating magnetism between his crown and a magnet, he finds himself in big trouble.

In court, the people are mixed about what his punishment should be. Some see him as a valuable ally while others see him as a dangerous threat. The kind and generous...

A Limerick

There once was a man from Port Crown

Who went to a doctor in town.

The doc gave to he

A sup-po-si-to-ry.

"I will not take this sitting down!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a dentist just finished his first root canal...

I guess you could say it was his crowning achievement.

The tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them i...

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Sacrilegious ad-man

Father Bill is down at his local pub one night when he runs into Don, an old friend from school. They start talking old times and eventually Don brings the conversation around to the fact that Bill seems to be a man of the cloth.

"You see Bill, I'm actually in advertising, and I've been worki...

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Variations of a nail joke. (Heard at a Ren Faire, modified)

The Goldman Nails company is trying to bolster business. They start a contest to create an advertisement for the business. The first submission is from an older lady.

It starts with a man with a beard in a white robe hammering away at wood. The shot pulls back to reveal an massive wooden s...

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The Bartender and the apple

A man walks into a bar and sits down. An obviously drunk man next to him says "Buddy, you wont believe this but this bartender has any flavor apple you can think of!". So the man sarcastically pipes back with, "Hey bartender, gimme one of your finest crown and coke flavored apples!" To his surprise,...

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