Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

What did Saint Andrew say when the big earthquake hit California?

my fault




(San Andreas is Spanish for Saint Andrew)

Police are currently looking into the death of my friend during an Earthquake.

Apparently it's Murder by Default.....

What do you get when a cow gets caught in an earthquake.

Milkshake.

I get so nervous during earthquakes

that I start shaking uncontrollably

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

I experienced my first earthquake today.

I’m okay. Just a little shaken up.

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

What was the earthquakes punishment

It was grounded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is like an earthquake

Lasts less than a minute and leaves you wondering what the hell just happened

How do you walk a perfect straight line during the next 7.2 magnitude earthquake?

Develop Parkinsons.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

What do you call it when there’s an earthquake at a cemetery ?

A maraca band

During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's There?

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's There? Who's Knocking?

KNOCK KNOCK intensifies....

Why can't I see you? Where are you hiding?

*Dies in an Earthquake*

Earthquake

During an earthquake, coffins double in function as human maracas.

My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be

in a stationary store.

Why is a planet that is earthquake-free so awesome?

Because it’s crack-a-lackin’

My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

What do you call an Arabian Elvis in an earthquake?

Amal Shookup

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

What do you call an earthquake during a production of Hamlet?

A Shakesperience

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

How does a Dutch gecko know when there's an earthquake?

Van der Waals start shaking.

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

I moved my girlfriend's vase to the top shelf

Then there was an earthquake and the vase fell off and broke.

My girlfriend was angry with me, but it wasn't my fault.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.

The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.

England gave medicine.

France sent food.

Germany made huge donations.

USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

Why do fat people cause earthquakes

Because they’re always moving plates

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes.

It’s always her fault.

4 Brazilian people were killed in an earthquake

How many is in a Brazilian?

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace....

I hate it when geologists explain the reasons behind earthquakes.

All that stupid faulty logic.

What happens when there is an earthquake in Africa?

Djibouti shakes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

There was an earthquake where I live last night

I'm pretty shaken up about it

Do you hear about the earthquake in Alaska?

Sorry, that’s a bad ice breaker.

A man went to an art museum

And, as fate would have it, he happened to be in the Impressionist gallery when an earthquake struck. The walls began to shake, and, instinctively, he stuck out his limbs to try to secure himself. When the dust had settled, he found himself stepping on a painting of several dancers, which was precar...

Three guys are about to get shot.

One yells, "tornado!" and runs away.

Another one yells, "Earthquake!" and runs away.

The last one yells, "fire!" and gets shot.

A massive earthquake destroys a town

It was the earth’s fault

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

Mr. Earthquake was finally released from jail for 10 years after being wrongfully accused

It wasn’t his fault

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
R...

If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse...

Their houses are always stable

What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

What do you get when there’s an earthquake at a cow pasture?

Milk shakes

Mexico had an earthquake which was a 6 on the Richter scale

Guess you can say there was seis-mic activity down there

"What earthquake?"

~ Michael J. Fox

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally got a chance to feel what it was like to have sex as a woman...

There was a large earthquake in our area and all I had to do was just lay there, scream and cover my head while the bed shook around

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV.

It was a ground breaking news

When have videogames ever hurt anyone?

Well actually, three thousand people were killed in California in the 1906 earthquake. That was San Andreas's fault.

What’s wet and likes to shake?

An earthquake on a rainy day.

What's an Etch-A-Sketch artists's worst nightmare?

An earthquake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

What to do during earthquakes...

Teacher: Class, what should you do if there is an earthquake?
Tonio: Turn on the light, Sir!
Teacher: How come?
Tonio: Sir, everynight there's an earthquake in our hut, but it stops when I turn on the light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

Did you hear about the recent earthquake research?

The information is groundbreaking

One day, the mantle and the crust are having a conversation...

All of a sudden, an earthquake occurs. The mantle asks the crust "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The crust replies "Eh, I got a lot on my plate"

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates.

I'm sorry I'll find my own way out

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

So, there was an earthquake in Georgia.

Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day.

It’s a great time to live in California

Because all the giant tsunamis caused by the giant earthquakes can put out the giant fires

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

I don’t know why people are so dramatic..

Because whenever I announce there’s an earthquake, people get shook..

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.

By and by, the ...

3 men were sentenced to death by firing.

The day of the execution came, and the firing squad leads the men to the execution grounds.

 

Now, this firing squad was rather well-known to be the most gullible group around, and it’s due to this knowledge that the first man started to hatch a cunning plan to escape.

...

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