The safest place to be during an earthquake would be

in a stationary store.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

What do you call a death that is caused by an earthquake?

Death by Default

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously.

I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is like an earthquake

Lasts less than a minute and leaves you wondering what the hell just happened

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes.

It’s always her fault.

Why do fat people cause earthquakes

Because they’re always moving plates

What did one earthquake say to the other?

..It's not my fault

4 Brazilian people were killed in an earthquake

How many is in a Brazilian?

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.

By and by, the ...

Do you hear about the earthquake in Alaska?

Sorry, that’s a bad ice breaker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In San Francisco 1989 there was a major earthquake, which group of people got out the fastest.

The gays, because they already had their shit packed

A massive earthquake destroys a town

It was the earth’s fault

What do you call an earthquake during a production of Hamlet?

A Shakesperience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

How do you know you’re in an earthquake?

You call the lift and the floor comes down for you.

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

That wasn't my fault.


Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still....

I hate it when geologists explain the reasons behind earthquakes.

All that stupid faulty logic.

A huge earthquake shook Mexico

Around 3000 people died.

The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.

England gave medicine.

France sent food.

Germany made huge donations.

USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

There was an earthquake where I live last night

I'm pretty shaken up about it

Mr. Earthquake was finally released from jail for 10 years after being wrongfully accused

It wasn’t his fault

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

What happens when there is an earthquake in Africa?

Djibouti shakes!

What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

What do you get when there’s an earthquake at a cow pasture?

Milk shakes

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

Mexico had an earthquake which was a 6 on the Richter scale

Guess you can say there was seis-mic activity down there

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

I can't describe how terrified I was to be in the middle of an earthquake...

...I was shaking.

If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse...

Their houses are always stable

Why don't Jehovah Witness' get killed during an earthquake...

Because they are always in your doorway.

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

A local earthquake station gets an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

A group of scientists conducted experiments on earthquakes

The results were ground breaking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

A large earthquake with a strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale just got the Middle East recently.

Two million Muslims are confirmed dead and another million are injured. President-elect Trump, wanting to help as much as possible, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

It’s a great time to live in California

Because all the giant tsunamis caused by the giant earthquakes can put out the giant fires

What did San Andreas said to the Earthquake?

This is all your fault!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV.

It was a ground breaking news

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

I've been really stressed out lately, I know it's not your fault, but please stop cracking jokes about me

Did you hear about how James Bond slept through an earthquake?

He was shaken, not stirred.

"What earthquake?"

~ Michael J. Fox

Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes?

San Andreas fault.

What causes German Earthquakes?

Teutonic Plates.

I'm sorry I'll find my own way out

I don’t know why people are so dramatic..

Because whenever I announce there’s an earthquake, people get shook..

The Barenaked Ladies have been pulled from the rubble alive, following the Nepal Earthquake.

Its been One Week.

So, there was an earthquake in Georgia.

Guess your mom had a good Valentine's Day.

Did you hear about the recent earthquake research?

The information is groundbreaking

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

3 men were sentenced to death by firing.

The day of the execution came, and the firing squad leads the men to the execution grounds.

 

Now, this firing squad was rather well-known to be the most gullible group around, and it’s due to this knowledge that the first man started to hatch a cunning plan to escape.

...

What natural disaster does earth like the most?

Earthquakes. They always seem to crack it up.

3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.

The marshal isn’t pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The priso...

3 prisoners on their execution day

There were 3 prisoners: Prisoner A, Prisoner B and Prisoner C.

They were going to be shot by soldiers on top of a cliff.

So the first day, it was the Prisoner A. He was taken to the cliff and the soldiers asked, "Any last words?" Prisoner A yelled, "TYPHOON!" so the soldiers ran and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris facts.

-In the average living room, there are 1,385 items Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he takes a piss.
-When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
-If you rearrang...

The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a dee...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison.

They committed a crime and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and kill them. The brunette is called up. She says, "Ready, aim, tornado!" Afraid of an approaching funnel cloud, the police quickly turn around and the brunette...

Cow jokes

What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? lean beef

3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing...

There was a Brunette , Redhead and a blonde getting ready for Execution.

The Brunette was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said

"Ready"

"Aim"

then the Brunette screamed "EARTHQUAKE", the firing squad looked around, and the brunette ran away and escaped.

The Redhead was marched to her final place, the f...

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.

After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.

That af...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette th...

How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements?

Earthquakes

A Russian submarine

A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timing is Key

During the Japanese Occupation Mike, Sam and Ben were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Mike came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion....

Fidel Castro, Vladimir Putin, and the Oort Cloud are riding on a train.

Fidel Castro pulls an expensive Cuban cigar out of his pocket, lights it, and then throws it out the window after only a few puffs. Vladimir Putin and the Oort Cloud are both surprised by this and ask "what are you doing, Fidel? That's an expensive cigar!" To which Castro responds, "in your country/...

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