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Newlyweds Jokes

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from w...

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

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It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...

The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. ”Not in your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m ...

I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.

They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

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Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple just got married. It was their first night together as man and wife, and they had never had sex before. The wife was very nervous, and the husband just wants her to feel comfortable.


Husband: "We will do whatever you want."

Wife: "OK, I want to try 69"

Husba...

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Newlyweds

One night, a newly married couple take to their bed after the party and after some smooching they decide they're ready to consummate the marriage. So the groom drops his pants and gets a shriek out of the Bride.

"What's wrong with you!" he shouts at her.
"Ohh! OOH! What's THAT?!" she repli...

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

Newlyweds and their problems

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."


T...

Newlyweds

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Newlyweds

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. K...

A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems.

They decide to meet with the Rabbi in order to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't b...

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Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

newlyweds

On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.

"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"

She then takes off her panties and tosses them to him.

"Put them on"
"I...

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the thi...

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Deaf Newlyweds

A deaf couple got married and on their wedding night, before going to bed, they decided to come up with a way to communicate in the dark.

The wife said, if you want to have sex squeeze my left breast once and if you don't, squeeze my right breast once.

The husband thought this was rea...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

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The newlyweds, the doctor, and the bee

A man and a woman are newly married. On their honeymoon they do the forbidden, but something bad happens. They go to the doctor to resolve it.

Doctor: what’s the problem?
Husband: me and my wife were having sex on our honeymoon and a bee flew up my wife’s vagina.

The doctor is horri...

Newlyweds

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The bride comes out of the bathroom, showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
He exclai...

A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside...

And after some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said: "Look honey, your family! Haha". And the guy replied: "Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws".

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Newlyweds

A newly married couple had just returned from their honeymoon. As they were getting ready for bed that night, the young husband had an idea he wanted to run past his new bride.

He says "Sweetheart, we have had a lot of sex these last few days on our honeymoon. And I'm sure you can tell I have...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

The Newlyweds and their Donkey

A couple just got married, they had a wonderful wedding ceremony, and after the guests had all left they got in their cart and headed home. The cart was pulled by the husband's old donkey, and he was mostly blind. As they were heading home, the donkey stumbled, causing the cart to shake. The husb...

What’s the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset?

The variables aren't necessarily related.

Newlyweds tell the hotel desk clerk "we need a room we just got married!" Clerk says "would you like a bridal?"

The husband replies" no I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."

Did you hear about the newlyweds who mixed up their vaseline and putty?

Their windows fell out.

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the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.

-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.

-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".

So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 m...

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Newlyweds are on their honeymoon, lying in bed, when the wife says...

"I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?"

The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob."

His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me."

Every anniversary the wife asks the same question a...

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Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at t...

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

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Confensual sex

A couple had been married for 40 years, and decided for their anniversary they would go to the same spot they went on their honeymoon those 40 years ago. It was a nice little spot by a farm, with rolling hills visible in the distance.

As they strolled down a path next to the cows, the husband...

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A couple of newlyweds on were on their honeymoon and moments before the passionate love making commenced, the wife says to the husband, "Please, be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband was shocked and replied, "How's this possible? You've been married *three* times before!"

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, ...

Newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time

. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had
a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it
only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful
looking pa...

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Royal Union 2

Once upon a time, the royals of two neighbouring kingdoms decided to cement their friendship and their boundaries by marrying one's princess to the other's prince.

The youngsters were introduced to each other and, as luck would have it, they fell in love. The prince's father, however, wanted ...

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So there are three couples.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The ...

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A guy tattoos his wife's name on his dick (possible nsfw)

A guy was getting married and decided to tattoo his wife's name, Wendy, on his penis. When it was erect, her name was on it, but when it wasn't, it only said "wy"

So they get married and go on their honeymoon to Jamaica. On the last day, the newlyweds go to a nude beach. The guy goes to the b...

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

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3 couples are trying to join a church group

A senior couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds.

The priest tells them that to get in the group, they need to go 2 weeks without sex.

2 weeks pass and they come back, the priest asks them how they did.

"no problem" answers the senior couple.

"the first week was d...

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."

So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"...

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Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I jus...

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

A young man and woman have only been married for two days.

A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night just as
they are getting ready to go to bed they hear a noise in the backyard kind
of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside.
There hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands an...

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

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A man and a woman move to a new town...

...soon after getting married to one another. They decide to join the local church in an effort to make some new friends. The first time they attend the church service, the pastor calls out to the crowd and says that he needs 3 couples to step forward and accept a challenge. The newlyweds decide it ...

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Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

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