My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security ...

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

[NSFW] Why is prostitution cheaper in Alabama?

Family discount

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

‟That will be $0.05 please sir”.

‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too”

‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir”.

‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps”.

‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together”.
...

A cheaper way to buy a fence.

Buy only one post, let reddit do the rest.

Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

I came into some money today.

A tissue would have been cheaper.

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

My wife asked me why Russia has paid family leave while the US does not...

I explained that in Russia life is hard and adults need to be incentivized to produce more kids.

But in America, if we want more kids, we just have to let some immigrants out of their cages. Much cheaper.

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.

When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have a room and it’s $100 for the night.”

That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.

The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up ...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

What is cheaper? Deer nuts or beer nuts?

Deer nuts, because they are always under a buck.

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It would be cheaper if they used oak instead of silicone in boob jobs..

Wooden tit?

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

They said a hooker would be cheaper than a girlfriend in the long run.

But it still cost me my marriage.

A gentleman walks into a store tells the sales associate “I need an anniversary gift. Do you have any perfume?” Lady shows him a bottle, he asks “how much?” She replies “$50”. He asks for a cheaper bottle. She shows him another bottle. “How much?”, “$20” she replied. He asks again “anything cheaper?

She shows him a mirror.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

Did you know it's cheaper to buy pies in warm weather climates?

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

Why are radios cheaper in Scotland?

Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.

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Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

Why is an Irish funeral cheaper than an Irish wedding?

There's one less drunk.

Why is going to a football game cheaper than going to a concert?

With the concert, you get to see Nickelback but with the football game, you get to see your quarterback.

Cheaper than face-cream.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife,...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

The Nintendo DS' cheaper version was the DS Lite. A cheaper Nintendo Switch would be

The Nintendo Lite-Switch

A man and a Dog, and the extremely unusual funeral...

A man and his wife are walking down the town main street. They are arguing, as they always do, about the efficiency of wearing masks during the pandemic.

However, they have to stop because of a funeral procession that is actively going on. The procession was extremely unusual... Everyone is w...

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

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What will you say?

A man is selling a colorful parrot and a beautiful woman comes and says "how much for the parrot?"
100$ he kinda speaks, says the man
The lady goes "can't it be a little cheaper?"
As they're negotiating the parrot looks at her and goes "owner, look at this girl! She's a damn prostitute! She...

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this hor...

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Husband and wife went to market....

Husband saw an action: "24-pack of beer for 20 €!", He quickly grabbed it and dropped it into shopping cart. Wife saw him and asked: "What are you doing?" He replies: "It's damn cheap, 24 beers for 20 €!" Wife rolled with eyes and angry said: "That's to expensive and worthless. Remove that!" Husband...

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

Coronavirus

This thing is getting crazy, I just got two round trip tickets to see my family. And a trip to mexico, all for the price of the coins I found between my sofa cushions. It really just goes to show you that whatever you want in life, China will always make it cheaper.

A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 containe...

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

Why did the Asian guy have his kid vaccinated?

Because it's cheaper than a funeral.

What is the difference between a Walmart and a hooker?

At Walmart, more plastic always makes it cheaper.

Electricity is like a wife.

It's cheaper to take the neighbour's.

The Aussie House Wife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve blood...

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30!

Fuck that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

What's the difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombings?

Once again, foreigners can do it better, cheaper, and more efficiently.

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.

The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:

- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.

"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband

- Why? You can make a beautiful ...

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

With petrol prices now at £1.30 a litre

...it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead

Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.

In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and o...

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the old french lady

Heard a story once about an old French lady who'd run a small shop in her village for years, until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said "Butter - 10 francs".
In response, the lady adde...

The Three Kingdoms

There once was a far off land with a perfectly triangular lake. Surrounding the lake was 3
kingdoms.

The first kingdom was wealthy and was filled with prosperous people, the second kingdom was more humble, but had its fair share of wealth and power. However, the third kingdom was small a...

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

I once heard about a pimp that offered discounts on fat chicks.

You know what they say, it's always cheaper to buy in bulk.

My SO and I discussed having a child..

but it turns out it's cheaper to buy a dishwasher.

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

3 presidents were in hell.

Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.

Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and af...

There is one advantage to being an anti-vaxxer.

Child cemetery plots are way cheaper than adult ones.

Why do corporations hire female Equality Officers?

Because they’re cheaper.

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