UPJOKE
dictionaryencyclopaediawikipediainformationpublishingbookknowledgelibrarybiographyjournalliteraturearticlearistotlereference bookvolume

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do you get if you masterbate while reading a encyclopedia?

Kicked out the library

I bought audiobook version of Encyclopedia Britannica

It speaks volumes to me

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias

"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."

"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

I finally read the entire Encyclopedia of Clocks

It's about time.

What do you call a mechanical encyclopedia?

A facts machine

I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.

That spoke volumes.

I'm like a walking encyclopedia....

I'm old, know it all, and nobody wants me.

Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

I noticed my friend had a copy of The Encyclopedia Britannica...

...I thought that explains a lot.

I once fell in love with and encyclopedia.

I was completely in-fact-uated.

What do you call a cross between an Encyclopedia and a squadron of fighter jets? [OC]

Flying in-formation.

How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?

They're flying in-formation.

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

I finally got my encyclopedia of Canada!

Now I can learn everything about Canada from Eh to Z.

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For Sale: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 Volumes

Excellent condition. $ 1000 ONO. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows fucking everything.

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.

As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into t...

What do you call an online encyclopedia for DJs?

A wiki-wiki-wi-wi-wi-kipedia

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for the Encyclopedia of Loud Noises.

The librarian responds: "Absolutely! Which volume would you like?"

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A panda walks into a bar,

and orders a burger. The bartender is intrigued by the panda but does not want to pester his customer with questions. Everyone in the bar is startled, however, when the panda finishes his meal, pulls out a gun and fires straight through the ceiling of the building. He then puts the gun away and inst...

On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the ...

A bunch of guys are sitting around in prison

One guy shouts, "Six-hundred and eighty-eighty!"

Everyone bursts into laughter.

As the laughter's dying down, another guy shouts, "Eleven-hundred and twelve!"

Uncontrollable laughter.

Another guy chimes in with, "Three hundred and forty-five!"

Everyone doubles over...

A panda walks into a bar with his bag

The panda takes a seat at a single table and asks the waiter for the menu. The waiter confirms his order and a few minutes later brings him his food. The panda finishes all the food and then whips out his tommy gun fron his bag and starts spraying everywhere. Everyone ducks under their tables or wha...

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Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well. They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.

"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken. The man paid him $3.



Then a guy brings up five books. The chicken looked a little worried, took a deep breat...

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A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, “What do you want?”
The bartender replies...

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act ...

Just another Nun joke

Four Nuns die in a plane crash.  Upon arrival at the Holy Gates, St. Peter meets them and says that they have to answer one question that will be verified in the Book Of Life before they can enter into the Heavenly kingdom.  
The question is "Have you ever touched a man's Private?" 


Th...

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The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

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A panda walks into a bar...

Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar.

A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts hav...

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

3 guys are sentenced to 10 years in solitary confinement...

The warden says that each guy is allowed to bring one object into the tiny cell with them to help them withstand their punishment.

The first guy asks for a Bible. The second guy asks for a medical encyclopedia. The third guy asks for a 12-carton case of cigarettes.

At the end of th...

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A panda bear walks into a fancy bar...

The Panda Bear is seated at the finest table in the place and is greeted by the bar's best waitress. The Panda Bear orders the most expensive bottle of wine and steak on the menu.

As he finished his last bite of steak, the waitress asks, "How was your meal?" Without saying a word the Panda B...

Newly Married Husband

Newly Married Husband puts a notice
in front of his residence:
FOR SALE
Computer and Encyclopedia both in
good condition.
Reason for selling:
No longer needed
Got married.
Wife knows EVERYTHING ...
with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

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