My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

Told this guy that I hated his autobiography. He got very very offended.

I said, 'Look, it's nothing personal.'

Did you hear about the guy who had a crash in his land rover autobiography?

They say the car wrote itself off

My friend ate his autobiography

He is a bit strange, and totally full of himself

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

KITT from Knight Rider is writing a biography

It's an autobiography.

tilda swinton's autobiography:

tldr swinton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

I couldn't find any publishers for my autobiography, so I invested a whole pile of my own money and got 10,000 copies printed. I'm yet to sell even one copy.

Story of my life.

Jesus, I just hired an editor for my autobiography.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises?

I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.

I didn't turn up to an important appointment today as I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You ever meet the kind of person who wants to write an autobiography?

Really says a lot about a person

Im writing my autobiography

"Oh nice!"

"Yea im planning on killing off the main character"

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house.

I really need to sort my life out.

My friend told me his autobiography was available at the library...

His story checks out.

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

I've just finished my autobiography. I hope lots of people buy it.

Then my life might actually be worth writing about.

Rachel Dolezal just announced she's writing an autobiography

it's titled "The Inward Woman"

I started writting an autobiography but I gave up...

Story of my life.

I don't want to spoil my autobiography for you.

But at the end, you find out that you've just wasted £4.99.

How did Kim Jong-Il begin his audio autobiography?

"Dear Reader"

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

I just took my life into my own hands.

I'm really enjoying my autobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minecraft

is probably what hitler would have titled his autobiography if he had gotten into art school

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

I wanted to tell my best joke

But my autobiography is too long to post here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A North Korean Joke

*Son to Mom: I don't want to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. The students hate me and the teachers hate me.*

*Mom to Son: Son, you have to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. You are the principal and you're thirty five years old.*

As told to ...

I would send a joke

but my autobiography hasn't come out yet

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