Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

tilda swinton's autobiography:

tldr swinton

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I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

The other day I told my mom I was writing an autobiography...

She said for dramatics I should kill off the main character, I don’t think she realized it was an autobiography...

I couldn't find any publishers for my autobiography, so I invested a whole pile of my own money and got 10,000 copies printed. I'm yet to sell even one copy.

Story of my life.

Jesus, I just hired an editor for my autobiography.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked.



I said, "All of them."

I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

Im writing my autobiography

"Oh nice!"

"Yea im planning on killing off the main character"

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A joke about logs

So the foreman tells the lumberjack to go do some logging. The lumberjack leaves and comes back 6 months later. The foreman asks him what took him so long. The lumberjack pulls out a book and says "This is my autobiography. I logged my whole life in here."

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

My best mate ate his own autobiography.

He's so full of himself.

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Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises?

I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.

Did you hear about Rosie's autobiography?

It was a rivetting tale.

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

My friend told me his autobiography was available at the library...

His story checks out.

My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house.

I really need to sort my life out.

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

I've just finished my autobiography. I hope lots of people buy it.

Then my life might actually be worth writing about.

Rachel Dolezal just announced she's writing an autobiography

it's titled "The Inward Woman"

I started writting an autobiography but I gave up...

Story of my life.

I just took my life into my own hands.

I'm really enjoying my autobiography.

How did Kim Jong-Il begin his audio autobiography?

"Dear Reader"

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Minecraft

is probably what hitler would have titled his autobiography if he had gotten into art school

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

I wanted to tell my best joke

But my autobiography is too long to post here.

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A North Korean Joke

*Son to Mom: I don't want to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. The students hate me and the teachers hate me.*

*Mom to Son: Son, you have to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. You are the principal and you're thirty five years old.*

As told to ...

I would send a joke

but my autobiography hasn't come out yet

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