My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is

So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".

tilda swinton's autobiography:

tldr swinton

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Jesus, I just hired an editor for my autobiography.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I just took my life into my own hands.

I'm really enjoying my autobiography.

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked.



I said, "All of them."

I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

Im writing my autobiography

"Oh nice!"

"Yea im planning on killing off the main character"

What genre would Trump's autobiography be filed under?

Fan fiction.

My best mate ate his own autobiography.

He's so full of himself.

Did you hear about Rosie's autobiography?

It was a rivetting tale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises?

I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.

Did you hear about the chick pea who released a autobiography 3 years after his death?

It was released post-hummus-ly

My friend told me his autobiography was available at the library...

His story checks out.

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house.

I really need to sort my life out.

I think I'm going to kill off the main character in my new book

I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little

I've just finished my autobiography. I hope lots of people buy it.

Then my life might actually be worth writing about.

Rachel Dolezal just announced she's writing an autobiography

it's titled "The Inward Woman"

I started writting an autobiography but I gave up...

Story of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Minecraft

is probably what hitler would have titled his autobiography if he had gotten into art school

How did Kim Jong-Il begin his audio autobiography?

"Dear Reader"

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

My first book

I was working on a book. Once I finished it, I asked my parents to read it, so that they can let me know how it is. Once they finished the book I asked for the review. They said they hope the main character dies. The irony is, It was an autobiography.

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came, I saw, I conkered.

My autobiography mainly deals with the 3 proudest moments of my life; the first time I masturbated, the first time I tried DIY, and the time I won the regional conker competition as a child.

It's called: 'I came, I saw, I conkered.'

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

I wanted to tell my best joke

But my autobiography is too long to post here.

I would send a joke

but my autobiography hasn't come out yet

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A North Korean Joke

*Son to Mom: I don't want to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. The students hate me and the teachers hate me.*

*Mom to Son: Son, you have to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. You are the principal and you're thirty five years old.*

As told to ...

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